Re: Re: bearsamie...
Bearsamie,
First, let me say, that we are just a group of people discussing a topic, and there's no way under the sun that you should take what we say here as anything more than that. Your situation is very individual and you shouldn't even begin to make a decision to stay or leave based on anything we (and especially me) say. I was discussing the topic from the perspective of someone whose spouse had rejected the fetish. Your situation is isn't even close to that. I doubt any of us are trained counselors and can offer only opinions and support.
You are in a difficult situation for sure, but in no way is it insuperable. How badly to you want the marriage to work? How badly does he? I wish I could reach out and smack your husband upside the head to give him a "wakeup call".
My suggestion to you and your husband, as Bella and Kis mentioned, is to seriously communicate. I'd also add to take your husband by the hand (or by the ear, or whatever) and get him to a sexual/marriage counselor as soon as possible. And lastly, I'd add, get rid of the computers. I think you are at a crossroad and it will take both of you to get back where you need to be, but you'll have to focus completely on each other sans the distractions of outside influences. One thing is pretty obvious though, the marriage will not last much longer the way things are right now, but that certainly doesn't mean you can't get it back on track and be happier with each other than ever before. Grab the reins, take control, and get off the downward spiral. This will take a concerted effort from both of you, as I am sure you already know.
to your post:
bearsamie said:
I never demanded he give up his fetishes. I participated. I "'Lered" and "'Lee'd". I read the stories. I'm looking at the pictures. I watched the videos. I'm reading the websites. I'm trying to understand this fetish. I'm not denying him his fetish. I'll be honest, I enjoy the occassional tickle session. But, it is never enough. The hurt in my eyes when he goes running to the computer? It's because I've offered many times to be his real live tickle partner but I don't offer EVERY DAY(IT'S NOT MY KINK, could I get a little straight forward sex every once in awhile?)like the women of the forums (i.e. "OOOH I'm going to get those ribs" "Not if I get those lovely feet first!")
Here's the thing, sometimes people are *only* turned on by the fetish. We use the term loosely here in the forum to mean "I like it", but a clinical fetish is one where the object, in this case 'tickling', *must* be present for arousal.
Since you are willing to indulge the fetish, and even enjoy it, but your husband can't or doesn't want to fulfill your need to have straight vanilla sex, this is where the sexual counselor can help. I'm pretty sure it's not an intellectual decision for him to think "I'm going to deny my wife her needs". Tickling is probably the only thing that gets him going and *he* needs to seriously address this. I think, and this is only an opinion here, that you need to absolutely and unambiguously get across to him that *you* have absolute needs that are not negotiable and that marriage needs a little assistance. There is zero shame in doing whatever it takes to get the marriage back on track, and where both of you are being nurtured rather than shut out.
Sometime this type of situation can become a spiraling cycle in that the more you push for non tickling sexual activity, the more he withdraws, and the more he pushes for tickling activity, the more you withdraw. It can lead to a struggle for position where the focus of nurturing the partner is lost in the battle of wills.
Again, you can absolutely get back on track. Believe that.
I don't emotionally attack him. I've never once called him sick or twisted. I NEVER demanded he go unfulfilled. I don't say jack shit to him about it anymore. I'm absolutely willing to indulge but a fetish is not a 24/7 lifestyle. Don't reject me because I'm tired of getting my ribs jabbed or my feet attacked every freaking day. It wears on a person you know?
I want him to try as equally as I am.
Of course, and his lack of making the attempt is causing you to slowly stop caring. Anger, hurt, etc, those emotions indicate life. Once it reaches apathy, it's dead. You haven't reached apathy, so you are still in a good positin to make this work.
You indulge the fetish, but you don't have the fetish, so a complete understanding of how it can consume a person's sexuality is not fully within your grasp. You can try like hell to get it, but, you just won't. The fetish isn't rational; it's not something he can just turn off and say "today, I'm going to have vanilla sex". I'd say stop trying to understand the "why", and focus on "what can we do". I believe this begins with his going to a sexual counselor. He's in this situation because he asked you to marry him, knowing you'd indulge the fetish, and also knowing you didn't share the fetish. He *must* take responsibility for finding ways to fulfill you as well. What he's doing is similar to what I was talking about in my other posts, only he's rejecting your "non tickling" fetish. Does that make sense? He probably can't change the fetish itself, but he *can* develop other aphrodisiacs.
Of course I'm sure a few of you are wondering if I knew about the fetish before the marriage. Yes, I did. I tickled and giggled and I thought wow! what a fun and easy kink. Little did I know.
It would have nice, if just once he had sat down with me and said "This is how much this fetish means to me and if you can't fulfill me to the level I'm wanting I'm going outside the marriage to find it. Are you ok with that?" I could have thought it over and said "I love you with all my heart,and I'l try as much as I can to understand and participate, but it's not my kink and I like to be fulfilled in other ways once in awhile. Are you ok with that?" We could have both thought for awhile and said NO and parted ways.
I understand where you are coming from and I agree with you about the honest discussion prior to the commitment. But, that's water under the bridge at this point. You have to stop looking at the "what if's", or "what should have been", and focus now on taking the steps necessary to find the love and devotion you shared before. It's still there; it just needs to be reawakened. You can reawaken it, and make it better than ever before. You just have to want it badly enough to take action. You can't wish a flower garden to grow. You have to get your hands dirty and work the soil.
I'm still here though aren't I? Still trying to understand the fetish. A few of you have given me hope (Ms Kis) and a few of you have made me think I should let him go. 😕
I'm a little confused here. Kis has reiterated again and again that disclosure prior to marriage is the only way to go. I honestly don't see how you found "hope" in that, in fact, I don't see how you could have found hope in any earlier post because we were discussing something entirely different from your current situation. But, I'm just a guy. We often don't see things the CORRECT way, do we?
😉I'm glad you did find hope though, wherever it was.
I'll be honest here, my wife, the one up there who so eloquently threatened to kick my ass, is a fetishist like me, and adores being tickled half to death *very* often. But, even she gets tired of me attacking her sometimes and wants *normal* interaction. It's something I've had to work at, and am still working at, and will probably always have to work at, but I do work at it because I love her with all my heart, soul, and mind, and want to be her everything and she for me. I just had to be bopped on the head to know I needed to work on something. I'm sure your husband needs a good bop to get going in the right direction too.
Take it for what it's worth, just an opinion, but I really do believe the first step in getting your marriage back on track is through complete and honest communication, getting OFF the computer altogether for a while and focus SOLEY on each other, and I also think it would greatly help to seek the guidance of a trained marriage counselor who can point out ways to engage the problems in your relationship that we would probably never think of.
Sorry for the super long post, but I thought your sincere pain and hurt deserved the best and most honest answer I could give.
Best wishes and healing vibes,
David
. But on a D/s level we're made for each other.
