Dave2112
Level of Cherry Feather
- Joined
- Apr 17, 2001
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THE DUKES OF HAZZARD:
EXT. HAZZARD COUNTY
SEANN WILLIAM SCOTT and JOHNNY KNOXVILLE are on the run
from SOME FILTHY REDNECKS.
SEANN WILLIAM SCOTT
Ye-haw!
JOHNNY KNOXVILLE
Ye-haw!
NARRATOR
Welcome to the movie, folks. I'm
here to narrate the film
sporadically as a throwback to the
TV series we're exploiting.
Otherwise, I add nothing now, ya
hear?
They speed away from the REDNECKS and jump over a closed
road. After they land, they swerve to avoid hitting a mac
truck.
SEANN WILLIAM SCOTT
What the hell is a mac truck doing
in the woods?
JOHNNY KNOXVILLE
Heading toward a closed road, no
less.
Suddenly, they CRASH.
SEANN WILLIAM SCOTT
That was fun!
JOHNNY KNOXVILLE
Yeah! Let's go do it with shopping
carts in a mall parking lot!
SEANN WILLIAM SCOTT
Maybe our ridiculously hot cousin
would like to join!
They go to a RESTAURANT that won't be seen again for the
rest of the movie.
JESSICA SIMPSON'S TITS
(through forced southern
drawl)
Heya boys. Let me jus' wait up on
this here table here and I'll be
right up bein' with ya thurr.
CITYSLICKER RACECAR DRIVER
I'm a celebrity originally from
Hazzard, but I've forgotten about my
roots. This may be some kind of
social commentary, but almost
certainly not. Nice shorts.
JESSICA totally KICKS HIS ASS. Actually, she knocks him onto
the floor so that he has a better angle from which to look
up her shorts.
JESSICA SIMPSON'S TITS
I'm not just a piece of ass! Oh
wait, my sole purpose in the story
is to constantly be a piece of ass.
But that's my choice!
SEANN WILLIAM SCOTT
Don't objectify my cousin without
her prior endorsement!
A FIGHT breaks out. The bar is destroyed. BURT REYNOLDS
enters.
BURT REYNOLDS
Curse you, Seann William Scott and
Johnny Knoxville! Even with the
sheriff of the county in my pocket,
I can't seem to stop you from being
a thorn in my side!
SEANN WILLIAM SCOTT
You know we drove a car onto
private property and caused hundreds
of dollars worth of damage to
construction equipment, right?
JOHNNY KNOXVILLE
And then we left our illegal
moonshine next to the car and walked
away.
BURT REYNOLDS
If only there was something I could
do...
INT. THE FARM
Everyone heads back to the FAMILY FARM and meets up with
WILLIE NELSON.
JOHNNY KNOXVILLE
Wow! Willie Nelson! You must be
here to add some real southern
credibility to this movie full of
rich Hollywood assholes trying to
act like good ol' boys!
WILLIE NELSON
How are a Texas tornado and a
Tennessee divorce the same?
(pause)
Someone's gonna lose a trailer.
SEANN WILLIAM SCOTT
(beat)
Wow.
JOHNNY KNOXVILLE
This movie isn't even trying to be
entertaining, is it?
Suddenly, BURT REYNOLDS sleepwalks onto the farm and frames
them for selling moonshine, which they were doing. He
confiscates the farm.
BURT REYNOLDS
Apparently, in Hazzard County,
breaking the law results in
forfeiting your land instead of, for
example, jail.
After an overlong re-creation of a scene from SUPER
TROOPERS, SEANN and JOHNNY uncover a plot by BURT to
strip-mine Hazzard County.
SEANN WILLIAM SCOTT
I can't believe he was planning to
destroy the town right under our
noses! How did we not see this?
JOHNNY KNOXVILLE
You do realize we're being upstaged
by a car, right?
SEANN WILLIAM SCOTT
We have to stop him! And also, I
have to win the race today, because
that's extremely relevant!
SEANN forces the audience through yet another car chase and
beats the CITYSLICKER ASSHOLE.
CITYSLICKER RACECAR DRIVER
I am beaten! Truly Hazzard county
is the heart of the United States!
SEANN WILLIAM SCOTT
Ye-haw!
WILLIE NELSON
Hey, what's the difference between
a wife and a girlfriend? About 45
pounds!
JOHNNY KNOXVILLE
What an awkwardly malapropos one
liner!
The TOWNSPEOPLE follow them toward the COURTHOUSE.
Meanwhile, DAVID KOECHNER and JESSICA SIMPSON'S TITS
discover a blockade.
JESSICA SIMPSON'S TITS
Leave this to me. I have the ability
to turn any man in Georgia into a
pathetic, spineless, drooling moron.
DAVID KOECHNER
So, you make them drool?
Suddenly, SEANN busts through the blockade, dozens of
police cars chasing him.
JOHNNY KNOXVILLE
Faster, Seann! In Georgia, even if
the cops know who you are, if you
outrun them they have to forgive
you! It's the law!
SEANN WILLIAM SCOTT
Georgia is very much like Grand
Theft Auto.
They arrive at the COURTHOUSE, followed by the TOWNSPEOPLE.
JUDGE
All opposed to leveling Hazzard
County, say aye.
JOHNNY KNOXVILLE
Just barely made it! Alright
townsfolk, time to object and beat
Burt Reynolds!
TOWNSPEOPLE
Object? Why? Hazzard County sucks.
Didn't you just watch the movie?
Even though your stereotypical hick
qualities have been glorified by the
film, those same qualities in us
have been condemned and mocked,
painting the entire town as being
full of worthless idiots for laughs.
BURT REYNOLDS
What reason has the audience been
given to care if this place is blown
off the map other than knowing that,
if it is, they won't have to endure
a sequel?
JOHNNY KNOXVILLE
Oh.
JUDGE
All opposed to anyone making
another movie that makes the
audience actually want MORE screen
time for Jessica Simpson, say aye.
EVERYONE
Aye.
JESSICA SIMPSON'S TITS
More screen time? That's so sweet!
Thanks everybody.
END.
EXT. HAZZARD COUNTY
SEANN WILLIAM SCOTT and JOHNNY KNOXVILLE are on the run
from SOME FILTHY REDNECKS.
SEANN WILLIAM SCOTT
Ye-haw!
JOHNNY KNOXVILLE
Ye-haw!
NARRATOR
Welcome to the movie, folks. I'm
here to narrate the film
sporadically as a throwback to the
TV series we're exploiting.
Otherwise, I add nothing now, ya
hear?
They speed away from the REDNECKS and jump over a closed
road. After they land, they swerve to avoid hitting a mac
truck.
SEANN WILLIAM SCOTT
What the hell is a mac truck doing
in the woods?
JOHNNY KNOXVILLE
Heading toward a closed road, no
less.
Suddenly, they CRASH.
SEANN WILLIAM SCOTT
That was fun!
JOHNNY KNOXVILLE
Yeah! Let's go do it with shopping
carts in a mall parking lot!
SEANN WILLIAM SCOTT
Maybe our ridiculously hot cousin
would like to join!
They go to a RESTAURANT that won't be seen again for the
rest of the movie.
JESSICA SIMPSON'S TITS
(through forced southern
drawl)
Heya boys. Let me jus' wait up on
this here table here and I'll be
right up bein' with ya thurr.
CITYSLICKER RACECAR DRIVER
I'm a celebrity originally from
Hazzard, but I've forgotten about my
roots. This may be some kind of
social commentary, but almost
certainly not. Nice shorts.
JESSICA totally KICKS HIS ASS. Actually, she knocks him onto
the floor so that he has a better angle from which to look
up her shorts.
JESSICA SIMPSON'S TITS
I'm not just a piece of ass! Oh
wait, my sole purpose in the story
is to constantly be a piece of ass.
But that's my choice!
SEANN WILLIAM SCOTT
Don't objectify my cousin without
her prior endorsement!
A FIGHT breaks out. The bar is destroyed. BURT REYNOLDS
enters.
BURT REYNOLDS
Curse you, Seann William Scott and
Johnny Knoxville! Even with the
sheriff of the county in my pocket,
I can't seem to stop you from being
a thorn in my side!
SEANN WILLIAM SCOTT
You know we drove a car onto
private property and caused hundreds
of dollars worth of damage to
construction equipment, right?
JOHNNY KNOXVILLE
And then we left our illegal
moonshine next to the car and walked
away.
BURT REYNOLDS
If only there was something I could
do...
INT. THE FARM
Everyone heads back to the FAMILY FARM and meets up with
WILLIE NELSON.
JOHNNY KNOXVILLE
Wow! Willie Nelson! You must be
here to add some real southern
credibility to this movie full of
rich Hollywood assholes trying to
act like good ol' boys!
WILLIE NELSON
How are a Texas tornado and a
Tennessee divorce the same?
(pause)
Someone's gonna lose a trailer.
SEANN WILLIAM SCOTT
(beat)
Wow.
JOHNNY KNOXVILLE
This movie isn't even trying to be
entertaining, is it?
Suddenly, BURT REYNOLDS sleepwalks onto the farm and frames
them for selling moonshine, which they were doing. He
confiscates the farm.
BURT REYNOLDS
Apparently, in Hazzard County,
breaking the law results in
forfeiting your land instead of, for
example, jail.
After an overlong re-creation of a scene from SUPER
TROOPERS, SEANN and JOHNNY uncover a plot by BURT to
strip-mine Hazzard County.
SEANN WILLIAM SCOTT
I can't believe he was planning to
destroy the town right under our
noses! How did we not see this?
JOHNNY KNOXVILLE
You do realize we're being upstaged
by a car, right?
SEANN WILLIAM SCOTT
We have to stop him! And also, I
have to win the race today, because
that's extremely relevant!
SEANN forces the audience through yet another car chase and
beats the CITYSLICKER ASSHOLE.
CITYSLICKER RACECAR DRIVER
I am beaten! Truly Hazzard county
is the heart of the United States!
SEANN WILLIAM SCOTT
Ye-haw!
WILLIE NELSON
Hey, what's the difference between
a wife and a girlfriend? About 45
pounds!
JOHNNY KNOXVILLE
What an awkwardly malapropos one
liner!
The TOWNSPEOPLE follow them toward the COURTHOUSE.
Meanwhile, DAVID KOECHNER and JESSICA SIMPSON'S TITS
discover a blockade.
JESSICA SIMPSON'S TITS
Leave this to me. I have the ability
to turn any man in Georgia into a
pathetic, spineless, drooling moron.
DAVID KOECHNER
So, you make them drool?
Suddenly, SEANN busts through the blockade, dozens of
police cars chasing him.
JOHNNY KNOXVILLE
Faster, Seann! In Georgia, even if
the cops know who you are, if you
outrun them they have to forgive
you! It's the law!
SEANN WILLIAM SCOTT
Georgia is very much like Grand
Theft Auto.
They arrive at the COURTHOUSE, followed by the TOWNSPEOPLE.
JUDGE
All opposed to leveling Hazzard
County, say aye.
JOHNNY KNOXVILLE
Just barely made it! Alright
townsfolk, time to object and beat
Burt Reynolds!
TOWNSPEOPLE
Object? Why? Hazzard County sucks.
Didn't you just watch the movie?
Even though your stereotypical hick
qualities have been glorified by the
film, those same qualities in us
have been condemned and mocked,
painting the entire town as being
full of worthless idiots for laughs.
BURT REYNOLDS
What reason has the audience been
given to care if this place is blown
off the map other than knowing that,
if it is, they won't have to endure
a sequel?
JOHNNY KNOXVILLE
Oh.
JUDGE
All opposed to anyone making
another movie that makes the
audience actually want MORE screen
time for Jessica Simpson, say aye.
EVERYONE
Aye.
JESSICA SIMPSON'S TITS
More screen time? That's so sweet!
Thanks everybody.
END.
