The Random Celebrity Death Bank!

[Capnmad]

Welcome to The Random Celebrity Death Bank!

Even before Andy Warhol made his famous prophecy that "In the future, everyone will be world-famous for fifteen minutes", society has been marching steadily toward realizing it.

Celebrity, once the domain of royalty, politicians and stars of the silver screen, grew its numbers with the advent of television, then reality television, the internet and youtube. With each successive generation, the collective merit of celebrities diminishes as their numbers grow.

This has led us to a growing catastrophe -- a critical mass of celebrities -- as evidenced in small part by the last seven days, where we witnessed the passing of Ed McMahon, Farah Fawcett, Michael Jackson, and now, Billy Mays.

Soon, every day will be marked by the death of a celebrity, and we will be in a constant state of mourning and bickering amongst ourselves, debating the merits of their work versus their personal shortcomings, and increasingly discussing whether they could truly be considered celebrities at all... And as the value of celebrity diminishes but the number of celebrities increases, it will become an increasingly worthless and popular exercise. This will result in a massive slowdown in global productivity as we'll find ourselves mired in endless nattering about people we've never met, like a bunch of old ladies at the check-out aisle, hands stuffed full of tabloids.

To forgo this calamity, I am hereby establishing The Random Celebrity Death Bank.

Here, you can deposit your pre-emptive soul-stirring, heartfelt messages about people you never really knew, but instead, saw on a screen or heard from a speaker. This way, when a celebrity death actually occurs, you can rest assured knowing you've already made your contribution to their mourning in advance, and needn't get involved in the messy turmoil after.

You may make your contribution entirely personal, or to help assist you, I've created the following form for you to fill out:

This Certificate of Mourning hereby recognizes the future passing of the much-beloved RANDOM CELEBRITY for their contribution to the field of ACTING/ SINGING/ DANCING/ VISUAL ART/ SPORTS/ POLITICS/ PHILANTHROPY/ LEAKED SEX-TAPE/ REALITY TV/ HABITUAL SCANDAL/ NARCISSISM/ NEPOTISM/ EXTRAORDINARY WEALTH (pick one, or please specify). I will deeply miss their AMAZING TALENT/ UNIQUE BEAUTY/ GENEROSITY/ DRUG-FUELED RAGES/ STINTS IN REHAB/ ANGER MANAGEMENT PROBLEMS/ COUNTLESS INDISCRETIONS/ VIGOROUS DEFENSE AGAINST ALL CHARGES/ MEANINGLESS PUBLIC APOLOGIES (if other, please specify), as it stood as an example for all others to learn from. Rest in peace, RANDOM CELEBRITY. No one did IT/ THEM/ DRUGS quite like you.​

We at The Random Celebrity Death Bank only request that no celebrities be specifically named in your tributes. Please keep the portions marked "RANDOM CELEBRITY" left as such, as it keeps your options open so that you may preclude future involvement in mourning for a wider spectrum of possible celebrity deaths that fit your certificate's description.

 

[Capnmad]

A-POP-ALYPSE NOW.

This has led us to a growing catastrophe -- a critical mass of celebrities -- as evidenced in small part by the last seven days, where we witnessed the passing of Ed McMahon, Farah Fawcett, Michael Jackson, and now, Billy Mays.

Soon, every day will be marked by the death of a celebrity...

...we told you so. We at The Random Celebrity Death Bank don't like to be so in your face about it, but when you're right, you're right. We warned you that this was coming, but did you listen?

No.

No one put down a deposit. And just today, comedian/impersonator Fred Travalena and 1950's sitcom star Gale Storm have died.

We at The Random Celebrity Death Bank tried to warn you about the coming a-pop-alypse -- the point at which we're so swamped with celebrities and pop culture icons that they drop at one per day or more.

If only you'd put down a deposit, you wouldn't have to mourn this latest round now. We at TRCDB urge you to make your deposit today.

THE RANDOM CELEBRITY DEATH BANK
"We save you time when their time is up."​

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[Saeria]

Oh.. Poor [insert strangely catchy stage name here]. We knew you well.. okay, we didn't know you at all. All we knew was your (circle one) music/movies/tv show/naked exploits involving polar bears/legal troubles/husband and😱r wife. But through that, we gained a little knowledge about ourselves. For that we give our (circle one) thanks/condolences/smug pity/vague indifference/middle finger. The End...

Am i covered?

 

[Capnmad]

Oh.. Poor [insert strangely catchy stage name here]. We knew you well.. okay, we didn't know you at all. All we knew was your (circle one) music/movies/tv show/naked exploits involving polar bears/legal troubles/husband and😱r wife. But through that, we gained a little knowledge about ourselves. For that we give our (circle one) thanks/condolences/smug pity/vague indifference/middle finger. The End...

Am i covered?

The Random Celebrity Death Bank considers you well-covered. Our lawyers have read over your submission, corrected a typo, and given their approval! Further, we have allowed you to select all criteria stated, giving you the maximum possible coverage, and formatted your submission to meet industry standards (see below).

You are now exempted from any obligatory expression of gratefulness, indifference or disdain upon the passing of a celebrity that fits any of the criteria specified in your Certificate of Mourning. You may go about your life happy in the knowledge that you've pre-emptively mourned, averted your own involvement in the coming a-pop-alypse, and needn't get mired in this crap the next time someone in the pop culture landscape bites it!

We at The Random Celebrity Death Bank thank you for your deposit and will keep your Certificate of Mourning on file for future reference:

CERTIFICATE OF MOURNING

Oh.. Poor STRANGELY CATCHY STAGE NAME. We knew you well.. okay, we didn't know you at all. All we knew was your MUSIC/ MOVIES/ TV SHOW/ NAKED EXPLOITS INVOLVING POLAR BEARS/ LEGAL TROUBLES/ HUSBAND AND/OR WIFE. But through that, we gained a little knowledge about ourselves. For that we give our THANKS/ CONDOLENCES/ SMUG PITY/ VAGUE INDIFFERENCE/ MIDDLE FINGER. The End...

TRCDB CERTIFIED​

 

[JPie1]

Oh.. Poor Kate Gosselin. We knew you well.. okay, we didn't know you at all. All we knew was your MUSIC/ MOVIES/ TV SHOW/ NAKED EXPLOITS INVOLVING POLAR BEARS/ LEGAL TROUBLES/ HUSBAND AND/OR WIFE. But through that, we gained a little knowledge about ourselves. For that we give our THANKS/ CONDOLENCES/ SMUG PITY/ VAGUE INDIFFERENCE/ MIDDLE FINGER. The End...

 

[Capnmad]

Oh.. Poor Kate Gosselin. We knew you well.. okay, we didn't know you at all. All we knew was your MUSIC/ MOVIES/ TV SHOW/ NAKED EXPLOITS INVOLVING POLAR BEARS/ LEGAL TROUBLES/ HUSBAND AND/OR WIFE. But through that, we gained a little knowledge about ourselves. For that we give our THANKS/ CONDOLENCES/ SMUG PITY/ VAGUE INDIFFERENCE/ MIDDLE FINGER. The End...

Poor Kate Gosselin indeed. Unfortunately, if you read our first notice thoroughly, we request you leave the potential celebrity's name non-descript, perhaps even using our own term RANDOM CELEBRITY to substitute. We at The Random Celebrity Death Bank don't certify submissions for specific celebrities because:

1.) It fails to give you the more general coverage you need to face the a-pop-alypse.

2.) It puts us in the rather macabre business of endorsing predictions of specific celebrity deaths, and blurs the matter of liability in the event of a potential stalker/maniac predicting their own attack.

3.) It removes the creativity (born of a genuine sense of loss of a RANDOM CELEBRITY, of course) involved in making your own Certificate of Mourning.

4.) The options selected do not necessarily fit the specific celebrity you've identified. Kate Gosselin, for instance, is not yet known for cavorting with polar bears -- I think you're about two seasons ahead of yourself on that.​

Saeria did an exceptional job in basing hers off of our already existing format. You're welcome, of course, to narrow your descriptive criteria, or even expand it beyond what either I or Saeria have offered, but most importantly, make sure it reflects the type of celebrities you don't care about or don't want to bother spending time mourning.

In constructing your Certificate of Mourning, perhaps you could consider other options to describe your desired celebrity set. We recommend entertaining options like recognizing achievement in:

FREAKISH MULTIPLE BIRTHS
COMPULSIVE FOREIGN ADOPTION
CHILD EXPLOITATION
SPOTLIGHT HOGGING
BIZARRE ACCEPTANCE OF HUSBAND'S/WIFE'S FAVORITE CULT
REALITY TELEVISION MISFORTUNE
REALITY TELEVISION REPUGNANCE
GETTING YOUR SERIES SUSPENDED
GETTING YOUR SERIES CANCELLED

...and many more. These may or may not apply to your celebrity of choice, but even if they don't, they help round out your coverage so you won't have to mourn the people that fit these criteria as well.

Creating a proper Certificate of Mourning can be a challenging process. We recommend you take some time to give it some thought, get creative, make sure you maximize your coverage with your options, and keep the celebrity set unnamed.

If you need assistance, please contact your local TRCDB Representative.


And everyone, we at The Random Celebrity Death Bank recommend you create your own Certificate of Mourning today, as yet another sign that the a-pop-alypse is nigh with the passing of Boxing Hall of Famer, Alexis Arguello, and Academy Award-Winning actor Karl Malden.

Can you really afford to put this off?

THE RANDOM CELEBRITY DEATH BANK
"We save you time when their time is up."​

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