In 1994, Paramount Pictures released the seventh Star Trek movie, entitled GENERATIONS. This was the movie that featured both Captain Kirk and Captain Picard, as well as crewmen of both eras. It was a milestone in the Star Trek's colorful history, so Mad Magazine decided to celebrate this landmark occasion with one of the best works of poetry from Frank Jacobs, an incredibly talented man who has inspired me and many others to write song parodies. So without further adieu, I give you
The Star Trek Saga
'Twas nearly thirty years ago beyond our earthly skies,
That viewers first were beamed aboard the Starship Enterprise.
It took us to the heavens where no man has gone before.
Pre-orbiting George Lucas by a good ten years or more.
The man in charge was Captain Kirk who pulled off every mission,
With aid from Scotty down below and "Bones," the ship's physician.
Though viewers quickly realized that of all the spaced out crewmen,
The one who stole the show had pointed ears and was half human!
With phasers drawn they challenged any foe the show might bring on,
Outwitting all aggressors, whether Romulan or Klingon.
But though they conquered tyrants, and when necessary slew them,
They couldn't beat the ratings. Even "Gomer Pyle" outdrew them.
"You're grounded!" cried the network, as it canceled future shows.
But once in syndication, a great clamouring arose
From countless Marvins, Eds and Phils, Sheilas, Kates and Beckys;
An army of fanatics proud to bear the name of "Trekkies!"
And sure enough, the faithful soon let out a joyous roar.
Star Trek - The Motion Picture brought our heroes back once more.
Alas, their pleasure turned to woe, as movie critics snorted,
"Before they launched it on the screen, it should have been aborted!"
Unfazed, the crew returned again to face The Wrath of Khan.
Which proved a poor career move for Ricardo Montalban.
Spock wound up dead, or so it seemed; we never quite found out.
As for the hokey flick itself, its death was not in doubt.
In Star Trek III, the crew set out to bring back Spock alive.
They knew that if they failed, there'd be no sequels IV or V;
Spock came to life, but strange to say, his memory was shot,
Which probably was just as well, considering the plot.
In Star Trek IV, the galaxy was in a dreadful fix,
Which sent the space boys warping back to 1986.
To save the world, the Enterprise now carried whales as freight.
Small wonder that the flick itself collapsed of its own weight!
Came Star Trek V, and through another mission would they plod;
This time to find the creature who would claim that he was God.
But Kirk unmasked the phony, for he knew they'd all been gypped.
No real God would have shown His face if He had read the script!
By Star Trek VI, the paunchy crew was clearly past its prime,
And though they were triumphant, they were fighting Father Time.
Exhausted, they pressed on as middle age they vainly fought,
And even Trekkies wondered, "What hath Roddenberry wrought?"
But lo, another Star Trek aired to satisfy their hunger--
A second incarnation with its crewmen trim and younger.
Though fans brought up on Spock and Kirk might surely find it hard,
To redirect their loyalty to Riker and Picard.
We know of course, Picard and Kirk could not meet face to face,
For this would surely violate the laws of time and space.
But Star Trek always gets around such silly limitations,
As seen in this, the seventh flick, entitled...
Generations
Behold the brand new Enterprise, the Federation's pride;
Old Kirk, no longer in command, shows up for one last ride;
When suddenly, in outer space, the might ship starts shaking.
It's RED ALERT, which tells us that a plot is in the making!
"There's quantum interference causing warp-out!" Scotty yells.
"A force glitch from a cosmic flux distorting our nacelles!"
He worries when a great explosion blows the lower deck off,
That this could be the final film for him as well as Chekov.
Though Kirk attempts to save the day, he's filled with apprehension,
For if the ship's destroyed, he might as well kiss off his pension.
He vanishes without a trace; we know he can't survive;
Oh, yeah? This here is Star Trek - Ten to one he's still alive!
With Kirk somewhere in Neverland, across the years we zip.
What's this, Picard's the captain of an old time sailing ship?
This costly scene does nothing for the story line, but shucks;
With mobs of paying Trekkies, what's an extra million bucks?
See Data, packed with circuitry and steady as a rock,
Who serves a vital function as a poor excuse for Spock.
Now thanks to his "emotion chip," his banter will regale ya.
He's hoping come next sequel, he's equipped with genetalia!
Soran, a half-crazed scientist, shows up to start a war.
But this can't be, he first appeared some eighty years before!
Picard is filled with sadness; he's depressed and feeling hollow.
How can he do his duty when the plot he cannot follow?
A Klingon ship's attacking and the spit has hit the fan.
Two sisters lead the onslaught, each more fearsome than Roseanne!
They lash out with a fury seeking utter domination--
Or what we've come to know on Earth as "Women's Liberation."
Soran escapes the Enterprise; he'd pay most any price
To get back to the "Nexus" where there's total paradise.
A place of sheer contentment where all troubles are behind you;
Where baseball's still a pastime and the IRS can't find you...
...A land where telemarketers can't reach you on the phone,
Where OJ's something that you drink and zitses are unknown.
A world that's free of hip hop and bad rappers you can't bear;
Where no one's name is Tito, and Geraldo's off the air.
Picard gets to the Nexus, where his fondest dreams come true.
Amazingly he has a wife and several children, too.
Though filled with joy to see the splendid family he's getting,
One kid resembles Riker, which he finds a bit upsetting.
What's this, Picard meets up with Kirk who's also on the Nexus?
We know this can't be possible, but why should that perplex us?
When Spock once died, then came to life, it clearly made no sense,
Except in Star Trek, where such feats are natural events.
Kirk's shot up bad, and now we fear his great career is done,
Unless he's somehow gotten through to Rescue 911.
The torch is passed; Picard survives to fight another day,
Although he kind of wishes Kirk had loaned him his toupee.
Who knows what future Star Trek flicks await us down the line?
Will Worf and Sulu join up with the crew of Deep Space Nine?
Will Odo wed Uhura? Will the Tribbles rise again?
Don't sweat it. We'll find out in sequels VIII and IX and X!
The Star Trek Saga
'Twas nearly thirty years ago beyond our earthly skies,
That viewers first were beamed aboard the Starship Enterprise.
It took us to the heavens where no man has gone before.
Pre-orbiting George Lucas by a good ten years or more.
The man in charge was Captain Kirk who pulled off every mission,
With aid from Scotty down below and "Bones," the ship's physician.
Though viewers quickly realized that of all the spaced out crewmen,
The one who stole the show had pointed ears and was half human!
With phasers drawn they challenged any foe the show might bring on,
Outwitting all aggressors, whether Romulan or Klingon.
But though they conquered tyrants, and when necessary slew them,
They couldn't beat the ratings. Even "Gomer Pyle" outdrew them.
"You're grounded!" cried the network, as it canceled future shows.
But once in syndication, a great clamouring arose
From countless Marvins, Eds and Phils, Sheilas, Kates and Beckys;
An army of fanatics proud to bear the name of "Trekkies!"
And sure enough, the faithful soon let out a joyous roar.
Star Trek - The Motion Picture brought our heroes back once more.
Alas, their pleasure turned to woe, as movie critics snorted,
"Before they launched it on the screen, it should have been aborted!"
Unfazed, the crew returned again to face The Wrath of Khan.
Which proved a poor career move for Ricardo Montalban.
Spock wound up dead, or so it seemed; we never quite found out.
As for the hokey flick itself, its death was not in doubt.
In Star Trek III, the crew set out to bring back Spock alive.
They knew that if they failed, there'd be no sequels IV or V;
Spock came to life, but strange to say, his memory was shot,
Which probably was just as well, considering the plot.
In Star Trek IV, the galaxy was in a dreadful fix,
Which sent the space boys warping back to 1986.
To save the world, the Enterprise now carried whales as freight.
Small wonder that the flick itself collapsed of its own weight!
Came Star Trek V, and through another mission would they plod;
This time to find the creature who would claim that he was God.
But Kirk unmasked the phony, for he knew they'd all been gypped.
No real God would have shown His face if He had read the script!
By Star Trek VI, the paunchy crew was clearly past its prime,
And though they were triumphant, they were fighting Father Time.
Exhausted, they pressed on as middle age they vainly fought,
And even Trekkies wondered, "What hath Roddenberry wrought?"
But lo, another Star Trek aired to satisfy their hunger--
A second incarnation with its crewmen trim and younger.
Though fans brought up on Spock and Kirk might surely find it hard,
To redirect their loyalty to Riker and Picard.
We know of course, Picard and Kirk could not meet face to face,
For this would surely violate the laws of time and space.
But Star Trek always gets around such silly limitations,
As seen in this, the seventh flick, entitled...
Generations
Behold the brand new Enterprise, the Federation's pride;
Old Kirk, no longer in command, shows up for one last ride;
When suddenly, in outer space, the might ship starts shaking.
It's RED ALERT, which tells us that a plot is in the making!
"There's quantum interference causing warp-out!" Scotty yells.
"A force glitch from a cosmic flux distorting our nacelles!"
He worries when a great explosion blows the lower deck off,
That this could be the final film for him as well as Chekov.
Though Kirk attempts to save the day, he's filled with apprehension,
For if the ship's destroyed, he might as well kiss off his pension.
He vanishes without a trace; we know he can't survive;
Oh, yeah? This here is Star Trek - Ten to one he's still alive!
With Kirk somewhere in Neverland, across the years we zip.
What's this, Picard's the captain of an old time sailing ship?
This costly scene does nothing for the story line, but shucks;
With mobs of paying Trekkies, what's an extra million bucks?
See Data, packed with circuitry and steady as a rock,
Who serves a vital function as a poor excuse for Spock.
Now thanks to his "emotion chip," his banter will regale ya.
He's hoping come next sequel, he's equipped with genetalia!
Soran, a half-crazed scientist, shows up to start a war.
But this can't be, he first appeared some eighty years before!
Picard is filled with sadness; he's depressed and feeling hollow.
How can he do his duty when the plot he cannot follow?
A Klingon ship's attacking and the spit has hit the fan.
Two sisters lead the onslaught, each more fearsome than Roseanne!
They lash out with a fury seeking utter domination--
Or what we've come to know on Earth as "Women's Liberation."
Soran escapes the Enterprise; he'd pay most any price
To get back to the "Nexus" where there's total paradise.
A place of sheer contentment where all troubles are behind you;
Where baseball's still a pastime and the IRS can't find you...
...A land where telemarketers can't reach you on the phone,
Where OJ's something that you drink and zitses are unknown.
A world that's free of hip hop and bad rappers you can't bear;
Where no one's name is Tito, and Geraldo's off the air.
Picard gets to the Nexus, where his fondest dreams come true.
Amazingly he has a wife and several children, too.
Though filled with joy to see the splendid family he's getting,
One kid resembles Riker, which he finds a bit upsetting.
What's this, Picard meets up with Kirk who's also on the Nexus?
We know this can't be possible, but why should that perplex us?
When Spock once died, then came to life, it clearly made no sense,
Except in Star Trek, where such feats are natural events.
Kirk's shot up bad, and now we fear his great career is done,
Unless he's somehow gotten through to Rescue 911.
The torch is passed; Picard survives to fight another day,
Although he kind of wishes Kirk had loaned him his toupee.
Who knows what future Star Trek flicks await us down the line?
Will Worf and Sulu join up with the crew of Deep Space Nine?
Will Odo wed Uhura? Will the Tribbles rise again?
Don't sweat it. We'll find out in sequels VIII and IX and X!
