The Worst Films of 2004

[Amnesiac]

Here they are, the winners of the losers in this year of our Bush, 2004.

TAKING LIVES
Angelina Jolie should go into porn, because people don't watch her for the movies she picks; watching her give blowjobs for 5 minutes would be more substantial than watching her act for 2 hours in movies like Beyond Borders and this. Based on the book, this sequel to The Bone Collector details Jolie as a special FBI agent (is there any other kind?) tracking a killer who takes the identities of his victims. The story takes place in a French Canada where everyone speaks ENGLISH and acts like detectives in American thrillers. The story, dialogue and appearance of Kiefer Sutherland (perhaps THE MOST UNNECESSARY appearance in film history) are the only things more painful than the sex scene between Jolie and Ethan Hawke. I blazed through this film, and I say that having sat through all of The Mod Squad and feardotcom.

CATWOMAN
Halle Berry is a mediocre actress and even more meidocre human being (ask Howie Mandell), but even people like her have to work; it's only a shame other people have to see her do it. This film takes the famous DC comic book character and puts her in a non-DC universe, where she acquires the powers of cats to fight...evil cosmetics tyrants. Whether the shame falls primarily on Berry, a slumming Sharon Stone or the pretentious director, the ultimate shame is reserved for anyone popping this into a player.

ALIENS vs. PREDATOR
Watching this movie is like losing your virginity: you spend most of your life imagining a great moment that results in a hollow and very disappointing non-event that depresses you. For 14 years, people like me waited through countless false starts for this movie only to be greeted with a PG-13 rated piece of shit that takes all the teeth out of the two greatest sci-horror franchises of 20th Century Fox. In short, archaeologists discover a buried pyramid in Antarctica that serves as a training ground for Predators to hunt Aliens; said humans find themselves wedged between the fighting monsters, but do more running than anything else. About the only worthwhile scene in the entire film is watching a surprisingly nimble alien Queen tear ass through the snow at the end.

THE TEXAS CHAINSAW MASSACRE
This remake had the original story, the original cinematographer, and even original producers, but failed to produce original sentiment. Jerry Bruckheimer re-envisioned Tobe Hooper's unconquerable horror classic of circumstance into a true-crime-style story with a kick-ass trailer and a sympathetic Leatherface who barely registers any screen time. As Much as I love R. Lee Ermey, he deserves better roles than the cackly, psychotic "sheriff" who leads the kids to their doom inside a slaughterhouse. While it has a stronger opening and look than the original, the film has NONE of the elements that made the original the stuff of nightmares for the last 30 years: the culture just can't handle that kind of intensity. Watch the trailer, the laundry sheet chase, and then watch the original for the best effect.

THE VILLAGE
Now, this is somewhat of a misnomer because this in NOT a bad film...it's just poorly made. M. Night Shyamalan has made some of the best suspense movies in decades, yet with this allegorical film, you would think he never learned in the first place; which is a shame because the premise of this film is abso-fucking-lutely awesome. The citizens of an isolated village in the 1890s live in peace..and in fear of the myserious creatures who live in the woods that border their homes. The story may be great, but the film suffers from a criminally misused cast and some truly shoddy editing and camerawork, and the pace is simply too fast for the kind of dread it wants to create. I've never been more divided over an ending, but while it may work in some way, for all the setup that follows it, The Village is little more to me than a 2-hr episode of The Twilight Zone.

Also to NOT see this year

Christmas With the Kranks
Torque
The Chronicles of Riddick
Taxi
Sleepover
Alexander
Alfie
Spanglish

 

[Mitchell]

Again, we have some disagreements here. I actually thought Christmas with the Kranks was cute, and I liked Alfie. Spanglish in my view was a bit silly, especially with Tea Leoni's Character's mental state throughout the movie, but I didnt hate it.
One movie that you had listed on your best list that I hated was I Heart Huckabee's. To me, that was a great cast that was wasted. Some of the scenes to me were utterly stupid, and I just didnt like the whole premise of the movie.
Again, only my view, we all have different opinions of films.

Mitch

 

[He-Man]

CATWOMAN
This film takes the famous DC comic book character and puts her in a non-DC universe, where she acquires the powers of cats to fight....

It didn't even take an actual DC character ...it just put some lady named Patience Price (or whatever the last name is) in a cat "costume" (even though it showed no skin, the Batman Returns Catwoman costume was much, much sexier), with cat powers.

If they ever have a sequal, I hope it's with Selina Kyle kicking that copy-cat's ass! (and even in BR, Selina didn't have powers...she seemed like it, but when she got shot, it was never anywhere fatal...)

 

[Cav88]

ALIENS vs. PREDATOR
Watching this movie is like losing your virginity: you spend most of your life imagining a great moment that results in a hollow and very disappointing non-event that depresses you.

Well this isn't encouraging.

 

[MrMacphisto]

The worst two films I've seen this year were "Ocean's Twelve" and "Van Helsing." Van Helsing is bad in that MST3K way, so it's at least redeemable as something to make fun of with friends while drunk. "Ocean's Twelve" was a pretentious piece of shit. It was so bad that I have gone from finding Catherine Zeta-Jones sexy to finding her utterly repulsive in her vanity. The screenwriters deserve to be shot as well.

 

[Mitchell]

I hated Ocean's Twelve so much, that I actually walked out of it. I probably wasnt too smart to see it in the first place, seeing as I disliked Ocean's Eleven, and thought it was utterly stupid.

Mitch

 

[buggs]

Napoleon Dynamite!!!!!! God damn you Napoleon Dynamite you sucked so much ass skin it was incredible. That movie sucked so bad I almost threw out my Orek vacuum cleaner and bought the DVd just to clean my house. I know it is probably just me, but that steaming pile just laid waste to me.

I stayed away from Catwoman. I knew it was in trouble the moment it went into being thought of as a film in 1992. Well I think it Michelle Pfeifer or Ashley Judd had been in it it might ahve been a little better. But I just knew that once Denise Denovi was involved, and she was a producer on Batman Returns who thought that movie was genius, and pitoff was directiing it, that it would be a bomb. NO. I pretty much knew unless it had a good script writer and director attached the people involved where going to make it suck. So I stayed away.

I actually liked Van Helsing because it was the finaliztion of those things that kids do when they are kids. Sitting around going "what if Dracula and the wolfman and frankenstein where all fighting each other". It was a kids fantasy that didn't work, but it was cool.

I actually stayed away from the movies this year as I just didn't see many good things coming out. I think next summer is going to be a repeat of the summer of 1982 all over again. The summer of 1982 is noted as the summer that more classics came out. It was the summer that movies stayed in the theaters longer than they were expected to and release dates for films got pushed back, and they still made money. It was just because for one brief summer hollywood put out a collection of great movies that were summer blockbustes, but also were great stories. 98 percent of the movies released that summer are classics. It still is one of the best summers on the books if you adjust the dollar figures, it not still the best. Next summer is looking to be that way. And of course, summer 2006 will be the summer that "Superman Returns" .

 

[He-Man]

And of course, summer 2006 will be the summer that "Superman Returns" .

And in 2005 will the the summer that "Batman Begins"! Whoohoo, we finally get rid of the neon-lights, low-rider Batmobiles and go back to havin the "dark" in the Dark Knight! 😀

People will be runnin out of the theaters screaming "A giant bat, man! IT WAS A GIANT BAT!!" 😱

Hopefully the movie will be really creepy...after all, it's Batman...he should be creepy enough to give ya nightmares, at least . 😀

 

[Limeoutsider]

I wasnt too keen on garden state

 

[milagros317]

I grew up in New Jersey, and I will admit that "Garden State" was a lousy film. 😛

 

[buggs]

I stayed away from "Aliens VS Predator" because Paul WS Anderson directed it. I haven't liked anything he did. Everything he has done seemed like they were great ideas, and would have been good movies had someone else directed it. The only thing I liked about Event Horrizon was the Mechanic. He even got a cardboard performance out of Lawrence Fishburn, which I think is hard to do. I will probably watch it on video, but man I wish Fox never made it and went with the James Cameron written/Ridley Scott directed Alien 5. Now it will never happend because they told Fox if you may Aliens VS Predator then it will negate the timeline that we have in mind for Alien V, so they will never do it. Damn you FOX.

I see that people hated the released version of The Exorcist: the begining by that hack Renny Harlin so much that Morgan Creek is now financing and releasing Paul Schrader's version later this year in the theaters. This film is closer in tone to Friedkin's first Exorcist. Not alot of gore, but creepy. Morgan Creek wanted gore so, after they saw Schrader's first cut and wanted him to add gore in, and he wouldn't do it, they hired Harlin to do a rewriet and reshoot. I believe this will be the only time in film history that the same movie will be released in 2 different incarnations.

He-Man. Yeah Batman Begins is going to kick so much ass. To quote a favorite line from the AICN site "It'll own your ass skin". Don't know what it means but they always say it. I am hoping they also make Batman Beyond too. They were actually going to make it, and they had Clint Eastwood in mind as the 70 year old bruce Wayne. Paul Newman had turned the part down. The guy who directed "Remember the Titans" was set to direct it. But they put it on hold to make the Batman and Superman movies. I do know that Chrstian Bale and Brandon routh have a Batman and Superman movie in their contract. They will probably start on production it in 2009. I am told they want to get a Batman and Superman seperate sequels out before they do that one.

Everyone I talked to from New Jersey hated Garden State. I never saw it but I think it it funny that the only people that I have met that liked it aren't from the Garden State. It is kind of like Magnum P.U. and Baywatch Hawaii. The only people that actually liked the show were people up in the mainland. People liked P.U. in hawaii because they liked Tom Selleck (I used to se him all the time at Paddling races) and John Hillerman (Whi played higgins) had been adopted as a Hawaiian because he learned to speak the language and has become a student and researcher of Hawiiana. But except for having the hot chicks who were on the show in the islands, people in Hawaii really hated Baywatch Hawaii.

 

[$Tickletorturer]

The Following Movies Lick Balls:

-Stepford Wives
-Chronicles Of Riddick
-The Punisher
-The Day After Tommorow
-Troy
-Catwoman
-Starsky & Hutch
-Envy
-King Arthur

and there's probably a few more but either I've forgotten or haven't seen them yet

 

[Oddjob0226]

I can only comment on the bad films I actually saw, so I have nothing to say about, oh, Catwoman, or that Ben Affleck Christmas film. But lord'omercy, The Manchurian Candidate was a dissapointment. It was good, but people played it up as spectacular. Ha! Flava Flav says don't belive the hype.

 

[buggs]

He Man. They are also going to be making a He-Man movie again. This time, thank god, it wont be from Golan and Globus. The guys who wanted to make blockbuster movies for a buck and a half. The guys who would hire special effects people and then cut the budget in half when the film was in production so that people had to come in and work for free for months to get the film made, but what they could do with no money wasn't great. No more running around farm houses to see if the owners aren't home and break into the barns to shoot scenes. And I am told there will be a battle cat, and Skeletor head will be a cgi skull and not a mask. In fact, this is what superherohype.com is reporting today:

Frontrunners for the New He-Man Movie?
Source: The Daily Telegraph January 2, 2005

Back in October of 2004 it was announced that John Woo will direct and produce He-Man, a live-action film based on the characters in Mattel's "Masters of the Universe". Now The Daily Telegraph has posted a rumor on who may be the frontrunners:

[Ryan] Kwanten is one of the frontrunners to play He-Man in an upcoming film version of He-Man, due to be released in 2006.

The actor's profile has risen of late due to his starring role in the US series Summerland, but he's facing some stiff competition from Sex and the City hunk Jason Lewis and The Rock.

Adam Rifkin is adapting the screenplay for the Fox 2000 movie.

 

[Lazarus]

HHH is also being considered for the lead role.

 

[The Sean Man]

Open Water. Vastly over-rated.


The Sean Man

 

[He-Man]

He Man. They are also going to be making a He-Man movie again.

Yeah, well there's supposed to be MOTU video game(based on the 2002 animated series) , too, for the PS2, but release date keeps gettin pushed back.

But if they make a movie again, I hope it's based on the 2002 version...at least then we'll get to see an extremely hot Sorceress and Evil-Lynn, even if the story is crap. 😛 In fact, they should just hire the people who wrote for the new He-Man cartoon to write for the movie...the first season of He-Man had some GREAT episodes...of course, the second one, did too (for example they showed what happened AFTER Keldor became Skeletor, and how Keldor met Evil-Lynn...and also where He-Man's power actually comes from.. )

At least this time they'd have no excuse for crappy special effects ...after all, now that with the right video editing software, anyone can look as strong as He-Man on their home computers. lol

 

[R. Davis]

The Terrible Movies just keep coming.......

Every year Hollywood keeps dumping junk on the public. And they want you to pay more for a ticket. Over the last six years, I've gone to movie theaters less. Tired plots, recycled plots and constantly boring remakes and sequels. When will the madness end?????