Tickle Cheating????

[InsnlyTklshF]

I was watching the "Today Show" a short while ago and this topic came up. Is it Infidelity? I'm not in a relationship right now but for me if you meet up with someone for "tickling" I would have to say that's cheating. If you get turned on by this "fetish" (as most people refer tickling to be) then why would you turn to someone else when you clearly have your loved one at home?! I don't get it I really don't.

You say you love that person, you made a vow at the alter (yes chill out I'm talking about married couples lol) but if your significant other wasn't into tickling why would you marry them ... unless it's deeper than that?! Maybe you've discussed the tickling and maybe you both have agreed on meeting your needs ... I just don't see it.

I can see why some of you do the "couples" thing. That would make sense I'm sure to some of you still to me it just doesn't sit right. I'm just curious to know what others feel, what they see and if they would "cheat" just to fill the void.

I mean what if you weren't married and were dating someone I feel the exact same way. You are touching another person period!!!

 

[Redmage]

I was watching the "Today Show" a short while ago and this topic came up. Is it Infidelity? I'm not in a relationship right now but for me if you meet up with someone for "tickling" I would have to say that's cheating. If you get turned on by this "fetish" (as most people refer tickling to be) then why would you turn to someone else when you clearly have your loved one at home?! I don't get it I really don't.

A lot of people are unfortunately in relationships with people who don't share this need. So they don't do tickling play with their partners.

but if your significant other wasn't into tickling why would you marry them ... unless it's deeper than that?!

All sorts of reasons. Some people don't realize they have this interest until after they marry - especially if they marry young. Some don't realize how important it is to them. They think they can put it aside and forget about it, and learn better only after they've been married for a while.

On the other hand, whether or not it's cheating depends on several factors. First, does your partner know about it and approve? If so then it's not cheating, IMO. "Cheating" is a violation of trust. If trust isn't violated, then infidelity can't apply. It also depends on how and why you do it. I'd put tickling in much the same category as massage: it depends on how far you take it and your motivations.

Of course, people do fool themselves about their motivations. I have talked with people who swear that tickling is non-sexual for them, but who nevertheless go out of their way to keep their spouses from finding out about it.

 

[maniactickler]

I would call it a milder form of cheating.

 

[Illtcklu]

Just like evil.......


It's what you make of it!

 

[isabeau]

Just like evil.......


It's what you make of it!

what he said..

 

[Illtcklu]

what he said..

What she said!

 

[isabeau]

anyway..everyone defines cheating as something different..i'll not get into what i consider to be cheating..but it's all in how you feel about what you are doing and if you will feel guilty or not..

 

[Redmage]

anyway..everyone defines cheating as something different..i'll not get into what i consider to be cheating..but it's all in how you feel about what you are doing and if you will feel guilty or not..

Hmm. I'm not sure I'd go along with "If you don't feel guilty about it, it's all right." If the issue is a partner's trust, then shouldn't the standard be how the partner would feel about it, if he or she knew of it?

Like I said on another thread, I don't want to make anyone's decisions for them. I just think that no one can make good decisions without being honest with themselves about exactly what it is they're deciding to do.

 

[isabeau]

i didn't say not feeling guilty makes it all right..i said, it all depends on if you will feel guilty about it or not..guilt can eat you alive..

 

[Illtcklu]

Hmm. I'm not sure I'd go along with "If you don't feel guilty about it, it's all right." If the issue is a partner's trust, then shouldn't the standard be how the partner would feel about it, if he or she knew of it?

Like I said on another thread, I don't want to make anyone's decisions for them. I just think that no one can make good decisions without being honest with themselves about exactly what it is they're deciding to do.

If I understand you right you are saying that if I don't tell you everything I am lying. i do not concure. i have a right to privacy. To keep the truth to ones self is not a lie.

 

[Redmage]

i didn't say not feeling guilty makes it all right..i said, it all depends on if you will feel guilty about it or not..guilt can eat you alive..

Sorry, perhaps I misunderstood. The question on the thread was "is tickling (with someone other than your partner) cheating?" When you said "it all depends on whether or not you'll feel guilty" I thought that's what you were talking about. What did you mean?

 

[Redmage]

If I understand you right you are saying that if I don't tell you everything I am lying. i do not concure. i have a right to privacy. To keep the truth to ones self is not a lie.

Nope, that's not what I'm saying at all. What I'm saying is that, if you deliberately allow your partner to believe something that you know is not true, then THAT is lying. It doesn't matter whether you allow this to happen by witholding information or by deliberately providing false information.

As I said on another thread, if you tell your partner "I'll be spending the afternoon with Bob," and then you DO spend it with Bob - robbing a bank - then yes, you have lied to your partner. You have deliberately caused him or her to think you and Bob would be doing something innocent and harmless, when you know that's not the case. It's just handwaving to say "Well, if she didn't think to ask about bank robbing, I don't have to tell her. I've got my right to privacy."

This isn't rocket science for most people. When people feel the need to go out of their way to keep something from their partners then either it's a nice surprise (like a Christmas present), or it's something not-so-nice that they know would cause problems if discovered. In the latter case, it's a lie, no matter how it's candy-coated.

 

[isabeau]

Sorry, perhaps I misunderstood. The question on the thread was "is tickling (with someone other than your partner) cheating?" When you said "it all depends on whether or not you'll feel guilty" I thought that's what you were talking about. What did you mean?

well what i mean is..if you are going to feel guilty about meeting someone for tickling..then you shouldn't do it. and that if one thinks that is cheating on one's significant other, then they should think long and hard before they meet for a session.. i've thought long and hard about this and to me it is not cheating..

 

[LindyHopper]

I was watching the "Today Show" a short while ago and this topic came up. Is it Infidelity?

The topic of "tickle cheating" came up on the today show?

I'm not in a relationship right now but for me if you meet up with someone for "tickling" I would have to say that's cheating. If you get turned on by this "fetish" (as most people refer tickling to be) then why would you turn to someone else when you clearly have your loved one at home?! I don't get it I really don't.

Maybe your loved one just isn't that excited about tickling. That doesn't mean you don't love each other. And if you're secure in your love for each other, and understand that sharing tickling with others outside your relationship doesn't diminish or threaten the love the two of you have together, then you are free to enjoy it. [Note that not all of us married couples made a vow at the altar about "forsaking all others." 😉 ] It's only "cheating" if you did it behing your partner's back because you knew it would upset them.

I can see why some of you do the "couples" thing. That would make sense I'm sure to some of you still to me it just doesn't sit right. I'm just curious to know what others feel, what they see and if they would "cheat" just to fill the void.

Sorry, what "couples thing?"

And anyway, "fill the void" sounds so negative. I don't engage in tickle play with others because my marriage is broken. I do it because I enjoy it, and my husband is happy when he sees me happy. He knows that I love him and that no one else will ever compete with that, so it doesn't bother him. So what's the harm in having a little fun?

If I understand you right you are saying that if I don't tell you everything I am lying. i do not concure. i have a right to privacy. To keep the truth to ones self is not a lie.

I'm not saying you have to tell Redmage everything either. 😀 But in a relationship, I think it's more helpful to think of your responsibilities to your partner. Hiding certain activities from your partner because you have "a right to privacy" just isn't in the spirit of a close and loving relationship.

I would call it a milder form of cheating.

You know, qualifying that statement by saying it only applies if you're doing it behind your partner's back, I'd say that's fair. Not as bad as sex, but still cheating.

Maniactickler seeing shades of gray... who would've thought it...

 

[Strider]

Some will likely consider this a cop-out, but, it doesn't really matter whether or not you consider it cheating, what matters is whether your significant other considers it cheating. Although, generally, I'd go along with what Red says about it being cheating if you need to lie about it.

 

[Redmage]

Some will likely consider this a cop-out, but, it doesn't really matter whether or not you consider it cheating, what matters is whether your significant other considers it cheating.

I don't think that's a cop-out at all. I think it goes right to the heart of the issue. The issue is trust. If you're doing something that violates your partner's trust - something THEY would consider cheating - then you're cheating on them. Violating your partner's trust is WHAT CHEATING IS.

If you then hide it from them, then you're violating their trust again, because that's certainly the sort of thing they would expect you to tell them.

It's a simple test: if you know full well that your partner trusts you NOT to do something, and you do it anyway, then you're violating his or her trust. I understand why we're seeing all the ducking and weaving on this issue, but really that's what it comes down to. Most people know this. in fact I think the ducking and weaving wouldn't be happening if people didn't really understand that.

 

[Ticklersplaytoy]

Seems to me that to avoid this all together would be to with someone you want to share your passion with, or suck it up and be faithfull to the one your with

 

[chicago]

It's hard to say. It would depend on the context of the tickling. If they planned to meet someone for tickling behind my back, I would feel betrayed. But I don't see why someone would go through the trouble of looking for someone else in the area to meet and tickle if I was already all for it.

 

[maniactickler]

Quote:
Originally Posted by maniactickler
I would call it a milder form of cheating.


You know, qualifying that statement by saying it only applies if you're doing it behind your partner's back, I'd say that's fair. Not as bad as sex, but still cheating.

Maniactickler seeing shades of gray... who would've thought it...
__________________

See, theres hope for me yet.

 

[Em Es]

Right on, TicklishGiggle

TicklishGiggle, you said, "It's hard to say. It would depend on the context of the tickling. If they planned to meet someone for tickling behind my back, I would feel betrayed. But I don't see why someone would go through the trouble of looking for someone else in the area to meet and tickle if I was already all for it."

Before we married, my wife and I used to have a decent amount of tickle fun. While I knew she was not the type I could tie down and tickle, our tickling action satisfied me. But after ingesting wedding cake, my wife just got mad every time I tried to tickle her and eventually I gave up. Were she like you, TG, someone "all for it," I would not seek tickle fun elsewhere.

 

[Illtcklu]

Some will likely consider this a cop-out, but, it doesn't really matter whether or not you consider it cheating, what matters is whether your significant other considers it cheating. Although, generally, I'd go along with what Red says about it being cheating if you need to lie about it.

I agree to a point. However, some tickling encounters don't involve sex or are not sexual in any way! But according to what I'm hearing I should tell my g/f or b/f because it's good for the relationship. so here goes: "Honey, I tickled a co-worker today and because we love each other I don't want to keep any secrets!" That's overkill in my book. The boundries of comunacation are different for each couple. If you know your g/f or b/f is insecure and would be bothered by a stranger comming up and talking to you, then I wouldn't be telling them everytime it happens! That's just inviting unnecessary problems! No matter how attractive I found them!


What you don't know won't hurt you......

 

[kis123]

Also, about what Redmage said about people not realizing their fetish until after marriage... I can see that happening, and I feel for those whom come to that realization and feel "stuck" with someone who insists on torturing them with not letting them indulge. I've known marriage(s) to end because of such things. In this case, I'm not saying it's right, but it's much more justifiable to cheat. But if you're lucky enough to find someone who lets you indulge your fetish and more so plays a part and gets involved, keep them!

I was one of those people who didn't know about myself until years after I married. When the marriage fell apart, I met someone who was definitely a ler. He doesn't know about our world, but he's definitely into tickling. We explored and went places neither of us went before. Unfortunately, someone did get hurt and I do regret that. But it began a journey that brought me here, so it was worth going through the bad stuff if it meant that I'm amongst many who are like me. Think of it this way-he's gone but all of you are still here........ 😀

 

[drew70]

Sexual activity is cheating. Tickling isn't.

This is a very interesting topic, and worthy of discussion. Would any of you say that equating extra-marital tickling with cheating is like equating marital polyamory with adultery?

Tickling aside for the moment, there are widely varied opinions on what constitutes cheating just in vanilla relationships alone. I've known some women who feel cheated if their significant other even looks at another woman. I've also known guys who become enraged with jealousy if their girlfriend or wife simply talks to another guy. Both are examples of extreme insecurity, bordering on paranoia. I think the same thing can apply in the Tickling community. Where there is mistrust and insecurity, the tickling is thought of as cheating. Where there is trust and security, the tickling is no big deal.

Neither my wife nor I buy into this notion that if we don't tell each other every single thing we do in our lives that we're being "dishonest." Withholding information is not lying unless one says, "I don't have any further information."

If you are so insecure that you can't stand the thought of your significant other tickling or being tickled by someone else, then go ahead and ASK them point blank if they've ever done it. It's the responsibility of the partner wanting to impose restrictions on tickling activity to seek out this information from the spouse. It's not the responsibility of the ticklish spouse to volunteer such information.

 

[orangetickler]

So

Do I cheat or do I lie...???
I better call Phil....

 

[Redmage]

I agree to a point. However, some tickling encounters don't involve sex or are not sexual in any way! But according to what I'm hearing I should tell my g/f or b/f because it's good for the relationship.

Here's the paradox I see: If a tickling session is completely innocent, without a shred of sexual content, then why do you think it would make your partner unhappy to hear about it? If you DON'T think it would upset him or her, then why is it so necessary to keep it a secret?

In other words, if it's no big deal, why hide it? Why go through convoluted rationalizations about how it's not "technically" lying to leave such details out and let your partner believe nothing of the sort happened?

If you know your g/f or b/f is insecure and would be bothered by a stranger comming up and talking to you, then I wouldn't be telling them everytime it happens! That's just inviting unnecessary problems! No matter how attractive I found them!

If your partner is jealous every time a stranger talks to you, then that's not insecurity. That's pathology. Your partner needs professional help in that case. On the other hand, getting jealous about you putting your hands all over another woman is another matter - a much more reasonable reaction in the opinions of most people.

It's like I wrote earlier: if your partner trusts you not to do something, and you do it anyway, then you have violated your partner's trust. I just don't see any way around this. Now, it's possible, as in your hypothetical above, that your partner has unreasonable expectations. However in that case the ethical thing to do is explain why you think they're unreasonable, and tell your partner honestly that you don't believe you can live up to those expectations. Then your partner has the option to either renegotiate your arrangements, or get out of the relationship if her unreasonable expectations are too dear to her.