About 10 years ago, some friends at work and I would try coming up with Letterman style Top Ten lists. Somebody would pick a topic and do numbers 10 and 9, then the next guy would do 8 and 7, etc. Some were lame, but others not too bad. Anyway here are the Top Ten Sure Fire Ways To Draw Derisive Sneers From Strangers.
10) While visiting Le Louvre, stand in front of every painting, point at them, and in a moronic, toddler-like voice, say "Pretty!"
9) Go to an upscale Japanese restaurant, get a table in the middle of the room, and every 2 to 3 minutes start singing, "I'm turning Japanese, I think I'm turning Japanese, I really think so!"
8) While standing in a receiving line at a wedding, and as the bride and groom are smiling and shaking hands with the person next to you, say loud enough for all to hear: "Yeah, I titty-fucked her!"
7) In the middle of a conversation about music, purposely point out that, "...Oh sure, the Beatles were good, but they've got nothing on the Monkees!"
6) Go to a swank men's clothing store. Walk up to one of those salesmen who perpetually wear a facial expression that says "I just smelled shit," and ask, "Do you have an orange and purple sportcoat? I'm going for that Soupy Sales look!"
5) Eat three plates of beans, put on a suit and go to a high density corporate office. Ride the elevator and when it's packed, break wind loudly. When everybody looks at you, grin sheepishly and explain, "Sorry, when I loosened up to get a better grip, it just slipped out!"
4) At a house party, when you see someone heading into the bathroom, say in a voice loud enough to hear over the music, "Hey, they're out of toilet paper! Just do like I did and use the shower curtain!"
3) At a bar, turn to anyone who sits next to you, smile and say, "I've only got one testicle! Isn't that weird?!"
2) At a corporate meeting, excuse yourself to go to the bathroom. Splash some water on your crotch, then come back to the room and say, "Can I borrow someone's handkerchief? I just had a little accident!"
1) Attend a Special Olympics track event. Sit in the stands and shout things like, "You've got to be kidding me!! They're slow as molasses!! Good God, my grandmother could move faster than that!"
10) While visiting Le Louvre, stand in front of every painting, point at them, and in a moronic, toddler-like voice, say "Pretty!"
9) Go to an upscale Japanese restaurant, get a table in the middle of the room, and every 2 to 3 minutes start singing, "I'm turning Japanese, I think I'm turning Japanese, I really think so!"
8) While standing in a receiving line at a wedding, and as the bride and groom are smiling and shaking hands with the person next to you, say loud enough for all to hear: "Yeah, I titty-fucked her!"
7) In the middle of a conversation about music, purposely point out that, "...Oh sure, the Beatles were good, but they've got nothing on the Monkees!"
6) Go to a swank men's clothing store. Walk up to one of those salesmen who perpetually wear a facial expression that says "I just smelled shit," and ask, "Do you have an orange and purple sportcoat? I'm going for that Soupy Sales look!"
5) Eat three plates of beans, put on a suit and go to a high density corporate office. Ride the elevator and when it's packed, break wind loudly. When everybody looks at you, grin sheepishly and explain, "Sorry, when I loosened up to get a better grip, it just slipped out!"
4) At a house party, when you see someone heading into the bathroom, say in a voice loud enough to hear over the music, "Hey, they're out of toilet paper! Just do like I did and use the shower curtain!"
3) At a bar, turn to anyone who sits next to you, smile and say, "I've only got one testicle! Isn't that weird?!"
2) At a corporate meeting, excuse yourself to go to the bathroom. Splash some water on your crotch, then come back to the room and say, "Can I borrow someone's handkerchief? I just had a little accident!"
1) Attend a Special Olympics track event. Sit in the stands and shout things like, "You've got to be kidding me!! They're slow as molasses!! Good God, my grandmother could move faster than that!"
