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Weird question, but....
- Thread starter thx10050
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The Pianist
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Yes I have heard of it, even played it once. Actually quite a few of my close friends were really into it during late primary school. I was into Magic Cards at the time instead... but I havn't played them for years so I gave them to a friend that did instead (had some good cards in there actually...).
The only time I ever played Warhammer was against my best friend in yr7... and we were playing with pieces of paper, not the actual figurines... and he won of course.
The only time I ever played Warhammer was against my best friend in yr7... and we were playing with pieces of paper, not the actual figurines... and he won of course.
Oh, good. 🙂
See, the reason I asked was that I was hoping the mods here might allow me to post some of a story I'm writing, based in 40K, so that I might get some feedback on it, if possible. I don't know if this will be all right though, that's the only problem...
See, the reason I asked was that I was hoping the mods here might allow me to post some of a story I'm writing, based in 40K, so that I might get some feedback on it, if possible. I don't know if this will be all right though, that's the only problem...
TklDuo-Ann
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thx10050 said:
Is this a tickling story? If so, you can go pretty much anywhere you like with it AFA themes. If it's not tickling related, you may want to post it elsewhere and provide a link here in general discussion for any feedback.
Ann
TklDuo-Ann
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I checked with the management before responding. You're okay to post it. Hope you get some good feedback!
Ann
Ann
Thank you, Ann or Mod, whichever you perfer. 🙂
All right, guys, this story is called Adeptus Arbites: Enforcers of the Imperial Law. You won't understand what's really happening in this scene in the context of the story, but hopefully it demonstrates some good dialogue, storyline/plot development, and gives you a glimpse into what this story is all about. Any constructive feedback is welcome. You can find out more about the universe of Warhammer 40K here: www.gamesworkshop.com Thanks, all. 🙂
-Capital city of Champlain III, Alexandria Nova.
-Sector Two of Adeptus Arbites Precinct, Primary Imperial Guard Garrison Base: Operations Administration.
-Morning, 0900 Hours, CST (Champlain Standard Time).
The Imperial Guard Storm Trooper Captain of Team Four waited in the room just outside the garrison Colonel’s office.
Like most of the elite Storm Troopers across the Imperium of Man, he was a tough and strong professional. Originally the man had graduated near the bottom of his Training Series in boot-camp when he had initially joined the Imperial Guard. Subsequently, he had received a rather negative evaluation by his superiors upon graduation. As a result, he had been assigned to various inhospitable, but strategically important backwater worlds with the 4th Trilarian Regiment.
During the sudden Dark Eldar invasion of the planet Gregis VII, just after he had been promoted to Lieutenant, he had managed to launch and coordinate a strong offensive at one of the largest alien landing sites and had held the foul aliens with his men at a critical valley. This holding action had allowed the regiment’s Leman Russ battle-tanks and other armored vehicles to move up and blast the Dark Eldar apart, shattering their offensive. Later, when the Dark Eldar had been completely driven off the world by the combined might of the Imperial Guard and the Adeptus Astartes, he had been promoted to the rank of Captain and was recommended by his superior officers to the Storm Trooper training camp on the Death-World of Viliard Prime. He had graduated from the training camp with honors, joining the elite ranks of the Storm Troopers, and was assigned to Champlain III on the Eastern Fringe as part of that world’s PDF.
Now, several years later, the man had become one of the most respected Alexandria Nova officers within the Imperial Guard garrison and Storm Trooper Team Four was privately considered by some to be the Ops Admin’s group of choice for the more important missions. Today, however, Team Four was in disgrace over the disaster at Utopia Mansion and had been relieved of duty until a full debriefing and investigation had been conducted. Nearly half of Team Four’s six Storm Trooper squads of seven men each were out of action as the results of deaths or injuries because of that mission. Accusations were thick in the air and right now, it was Captain S’coo D’avis’ turn to meet the man who decided the ultimate fate for any Imperial Guardsman on Champlain III.
“The Colonel will see you now, Captain,” Announced the young Guardsman at the desk. The Captain picked up his utility cap, straightened out his garrison fatigues, and then walked over to the wooden door. He paused momentarily for it to slide open and then walked into the office. Coming up to his superior officer’s desk, he came smoothly to attention and saluted sharply.
“Captain D’avis, reporting as ordered, sir.”
The uniformed Colonel leaned back in his synth-leather chair, coolly regarding the Captain. The Colonel had brown hair, cut short into a high and tight haircut, and a scarred, but chiseled visage. One of his blue eyes had been replaced long ago with a glaring red-lensed bionic one.
“At ease, Captain. Take a seat.” Captain D’avis sat down rather stiffly in one of the nearby wooden chairs and waited for his superior to begin. “Well, Captain, by now almost everyone in the capital city has heard of how virtually half of Utopia Mansion was blown sky-high and that Imperial Guard soldiers were involved in the incident. I’ve seen the preliminary reports, but I would like to hear from you before making some decisions.” Colonel Rasyldar spoke each word clearly and precisely and his expression was unreadable. D’avis kept his own expression impassive as well.
“Sir,” D’avis began, his voice possessing a thick and distinct off-world accent. “As you know, I received and accepted a possible mission outline from Ops Admin at 1700 Hours yesterday. The primary objective was to conduct an authorized Search-And-Seizure operation at Utopia Mansion in the Tibury District. Maximum force was allowed and advised by Ops Admin. The target of the mission was a suspected member of the Jagged Blade gang leadership cadre, a man known as the ‘Ogre’ who-”
Colonel Rasyldar raised a hand, signaling for the Captain to stop.
“That is all in the reports, Captain D’avis, but I want to know what, by the Immortal Emperor, happened. How did a secure and short notice operation suddenly turn into the biggest foul-up this city has ever seen?”
“Sir, I believe that our target was warned before the assault with enough time to quickly set up a trap for us.”
“Why do you think that it was a hasty ambush? Maybe your information was faulty, Captain.”
“Sir, our information came directly from the Intelligence Section. After receiving the authorization to do so, I immediately placed a covert-ops surveillance team on full-time observation of the target’s apartment up until the time that we initiated Phase One, sir. Intel assured us beforehand that the target was there.”
“So it was Intel’s fault, Captain?” Colonel Rasyldar asked. “Defective information perhaps? They were duped into sending Storm Trooper squads into an ambush?” Captain D’avis didn’t answer and the Colonel knew that the man would not be prepared to comment negatively on the Intelligence Section.
The Storm Troopers, more so than the rest of the Imperial Guard, depended on the Intelligence Section to provide highly accurate and up-to-date information in order to carefully plan their missions so as to complete them with the utmost efficiency. But the fact that the operation went badly this time was no reason to bad-mouth their comrades in another section of the Imperial Guard.
“So why did over twelve Storm Troopers die, Captain?” The Colonel demanded after the short pause.
“Sir, there must have been a breach of security somewhere. I’ve looked over all the information and data that we managed to acquire before the operation commenced and the apartment not only looked inhabited, but it was verified to be so. The Intel analysts attached to my Team agree that the Tarantula turrets had been set up very quickly, with no attempt at protecting or concealing the turrets’ power cables or ammo feeds. If we had been prepared, we could have easily disabled those Tarantulas. We had gone in, however, expecting small-arms fire and physical close-combat, but nothing like the military hardware that we encountered, sir.”
“This is understandable, Captain.” The Colonel drummed his fingers idly against the desktop. “So do you think that we have a problem with security?”
“No, sir,” D’avis answered.
“No?” Colonel Rasyldar was surprised. Usually most Imperial Guard officers tried to shift blame for their shortcomings and failures onto other departments, in order to save their own commands. Intense rivalries within the Guard had become all too common lately.
“I have confidence in our security procedures and methods, sir,” D’avis said. “However, our security is not as rigorous once beyond our immediate organization for an operation. The only explanation I can give for our failure is that perhaps the squeal was playing us off against the Jagged Blade. He must have set us both up.” The Colonel looked at D’avis for a long time without speaking and then nodded slowly.
“Very good, Captain, very good indeed. I’m impressed because that was the explanation that Intelligence came up with as well. Perhaps we are under-staffing our Intel Section...” Colonel Rasyldar leaned forward and lowered his voice to a whisper. “The only problem with that particular theory is that the directive to launch the operation came straight from the Senate.”
“Emperor’s Teeth...” D’avis whispered.
“Well put, Captain. And now the Senate wants someone’s head for this mess.”
“I am willing to take full responsibility for the failure of the operation, sir,” The Captain answered stiffly.
“There’s no need for that, Captain. The Senate does not dictate our internal personnel management.”
“Very well, sir. Then am I suspended from active duty and removed from command?” Captain D’avis was well aware of the various punishments and disciplinary actions that could be imposed on him by the Colonel.
“Officially and on the records, you are.” Colonel Rasyldar adjusted a control at a panel set in his desk and the lights momentarily flickered. D’avis could tell that a null-field device of some kind had been just activated around the office, preventing most forms of eavesdropping. “This is entirely off the record, Captain. Most of your Team, including your injured Storm Troopers, has been reassigned to other Teams across the planet and in the capital city. However, you are still technically in command of Team Four itself, with full operational freedom. Here’s a list of other Storm Troopers from your Team that we have also placed on suspension pending further investigation.” The Colonel passed over a piece of paper. “The members of these four squads have all been briefed on their current assignment. Memorize that list and then dispose of it.” D’avis scanned the piece of paper carefully, committing all the names to memory, and then disposed of it in the most secure way that he knew of.
He crumpled it up and swallowed it.
“So what is my new assignment, sir?” The Captain asked.
“Intelligence, Ops Admin, and myself believe that there is something strange happening within the Senate. We believe whatever is happening particularly involved Senator Alexius Aiacus. As you know, Captain, we’ve always suspected, but have never been able to prove that Aiacus has contacts with several major criminal organizations as well as the street gang underground. We highly suspect that Senator Aiacus has had a definite hand in creating the chaos that is steadily engulfing the city, but how and for what purpose, we don’t know yet. Our Operational Directives forbid us from interfering directly with Alexandria Nova’s political and governmental affairs, unless we have clear and firm evidence of liability.”
“So we’re setting up a covert deniable operation, sir?” D’avis asked and the Colonel nodded grimly.
“Your primary suspect is Senator Aiacus, but under no circumstances are you to undertake direct action against him. We can’t risk letting that Warp-spawn know that we’re on to him, not yet at least. Intelligence suggests that you might try to contact the street gangs in the slums under cover of arranging a cease-fire. By gaining their trust in this way, you might be able to squeeze some information from them as well. As an officer of an Imperial Guard unit that has just been badly mauled, they should not take that much convincing that you want to minimize further encounters like this most recent one. How you go about achieving the mission objective is up to you, Captain, but we need solid evidence of wrongdoing if we want to expose Senator Aiacus for the treacherous bastard that we firmly believe he is. After that, well… Let’s just say that direct action won’t just be an option, it’ll be a priority…”
Captain D’avis nodded.
“I’ll try my best, sir. What if we are caught by the Senate, the City Watch, or especially the Adeptus Arbites? We know that the Arbitrators are conducting their own detailed investigations into the crime wave. Perhaps these extend to the Senate as well. We might receive some serious interference from them, even if our end goals are the same.”
“You had better not be caught, Captain, for we can’t protect you should that occur. Remember that this is a covert operation. Do your utmost to not alert your potential enemies or shift their attention onto something more pressing and important. You’re dismissed, Captain. Good luck and good hunting.”
“Yes, sir.” S’coo D’avis stood, saluted, and left the office.
As soon as D’avis had left, the Colonel began drumming his fingers against the desk again.
“Aiacus,” He growled. “You made a damn big mistake this time. We ain’t just your cannon fodder...”
All right, guys, this story is called Adeptus Arbites: Enforcers of the Imperial Law. You won't understand what's really happening in this scene in the context of the story, but hopefully it demonstrates some good dialogue, storyline/plot development, and gives you a glimpse into what this story is all about. Any constructive feedback is welcome. You can find out more about the universe of Warhammer 40K here: www.gamesworkshop.com Thanks, all. 🙂
-Capital city of Champlain III, Alexandria Nova.
-Sector Two of Adeptus Arbites Precinct, Primary Imperial Guard Garrison Base: Operations Administration.
-Morning, 0900 Hours, CST (Champlain Standard Time).
The Imperial Guard Storm Trooper Captain of Team Four waited in the room just outside the garrison Colonel’s office.
Like most of the elite Storm Troopers across the Imperium of Man, he was a tough and strong professional. Originally the man had graduated near the bottom of his Training Series in boot-camp when he had initially joined the Imperial Guard. Subsequently, he had received a rather negative evaluation by his superiors upon graduation. As a result, he had been assigned to various inhospitable, but strategically important backwater worlds with the 4th Trilarian Regiment.
During the sudden Dark Eldar invasion of the planet Gregis VII, just after he had been promoted to Lieutenant, he had managed to launch and coordinate a strong offensive at one of the largest alien landing sites and had held the foul aliens with his men at a critical valley. This holding action had allowed the regiment’s Leman Russ battle-tanks and other armored vehicles to move up and blast the Dark Eldar apart, shattering their offensive. Later, when the Dark Eldar had been completely driven off the world by the combined might of the Imperial Guard and the Adeptus Astartes, he had been promoted to the rank of Captain and was recommended by his superior officers to the Storm Trooper training camp on the Death-World of Viliard Prime. He had graduated from the training camp with honors, joining the elite ranks of the Storm Troopers, and was assigned to Champlain III on the Eastern Fringe as part of that world’s PDF.
Now, several years later, the man had become one of the most respected Alexandria Nova officers within the Imperial Guard garrison and Storm Trooper Team Four was privately considered by some to be the Ops Admin’s group of choice for the more important missions. Today, however, Team Four was in disgrace over the disaster at Utopia Mansion and had been relieved of duty until a full debriefing and investigation had been conducted. Nearly half of Team Four’s six Storm Trooper squads of seven men each were out of action as the results of deaths or injuries because of that mission. Accusations were thick in the air and right now, it was Captain S’coo D’avis’ turn to meet the man who decided the ultimate fate for any Imperial Guardsman on Champlain III.
“The Colonel will see you now, Captain,” Announced the young Guardsman at the desk. The Captain picked up his utility cap, straightened out his garrison fatigues, and then walked over to the wooden door. He paused momentarily for it to slide open and then walked into the office. Coming up to his superior officer’s desk, he came smoothly to attention and saluted sharply.
“Captain D’avis, reporting as ordered, sir.”
The uniformed Colonel leaned back in his synth-leather chair, coolly regarding the Captain. The Colonel had brown hair, cut short into a high and tight haircut, and a scarred, but chiseled visage. One of his blue eyes had been replaced long ago with a glaring red-lensed bionic one.
“At ease, Captain. Take a seat.” Captain D’avis sat down rather stiffly in one of the nearby wooden chairs and waited for his superior to begin. “Well, Captain, by now almost everyone in the capital city has heard of how virtually half of Utopia Mansion was blown sky-high and that Imperial Guard soldiers were involved in the incident. I’ve seen the preliminary reports, but I would like to hear from you before making some decisions.” Colonel Rasyldar spoke each word clearly and precisely and his expression was unreadable. D’avis kept his own expression impassive as well.
“Sir,” D’avis began, his voice possessing a thick and distinct off-world accent. “As you know, I received and accepted a possible mission outline from Ops Admin at 1700 Hours yesterday. The primary objective was to conduct an authorized Search-And-Seizure operation at Utopia Mansion in the Tibury District. Maximum force was allowed and advised by Ops Admin. The target of the mission was a suspected member of the Jagged Blade gang leadership cadre, a man known as the ‘Ogre’ who-”
Colonel Rasyldar raised a hand, signaling for the Captain to stop.
“That is all in the reports, Captain D’avis, but I want to know what, by the Immortal Emperor, happened. How did a secure and short notice operation suddenly turn into the biggest foul-up this city has ever seen?”
“Sir, I believe that our target was warned before the assault with enough time to quickly set up a trap for us.”
“Why do you think that it was a hasty ambush? Maybe your information was faulty, Captain.”
“Sir, our information came directly from the Intelligence Section. After receiving the authorization to do so, I immediately placed a covert-ops surveillance team on full-time observation of the target’s apartment up until the time that we initiated Phase One, sir. Intel assured us beforehand that the target was there.”
“So it was Intel’s fault, Captain?” Colonel Rasyldar asked. “Defective information perhaps? They were duped into sending Storm Trooper squads into an ambush?” Captain D’avis didn’t answer and the Colonel knew that the man would not be prepared to comment negatively on the Intelligence Section.
The Storm Troopers, more so than the rest of the Imperial Guard, depended on the Intelligence Section to provide highly accurate and up-to-date information in order to carefully plan their missions so as to complete them with the utmost efficiency. But the fact that the operation went badly this time was no reason to bad-mouth their comrades in another section of the Imperial Guard.
“So why did over twelve Storm Troopers die, Captain?” The Colonel demanded after the short pause.
“Sir, there must have been a breach of security somewhere. I’ve looked over all the information and data that we managed to acquire before the operation commenced and the apartment not only looked inhabited, but it was verified to be so. The Intel analysts attached to my Team agree that the Tarantula turrets had been set up very quickly, with no attempt at protecting or concealing the turrets’ power cables or ammo feeds. If we had been prepared, we could have easily disabled those Tarantulas. We had gone in, however, expecting small-arms fire and physical close-combat, but nothing like the military hardware that we encountered, sir.”
“This is understandable, Captain.” The Colonel drummed his fingers idly against the desktop. “So do you think that we have a problem with security?”
“No, sir,” D’avis answered.
“No?” Colonel Rasyldar was surprised. Usually most Imperial Guard officers tried to shift blame for their shortcomings and failures onto other departments, in order to save their own commands. Intense rivalries within the Guard had become all too common lately.
“I have confidence in our security procedures and methods, sir,” D’avis said. “However, our security is not as rigorous once beyond our immediate organization for an operation. The only explanation I can give for our failure is that perhaps the squeal was playing us off against the Jagged Blade. He must have set us both up.” The Colonel looked at D’avis for a long time without speaking and then nodded slowly.
“Very good, Captain, very good indeed. I’m impressed because that was the explanation that Intelligence came up with as well. Perhaps we are under-staffing our Intel Section...” Colonel Rasyldar leaned forward and lowered his voice to a whisper. “The only problem with that particular theory is that the directive to launch the operation came straight from the Senate.”
“Emperor’s Teeth...” D’avis whispered.
“Well put, Captain. And now the Senate wants someone’s head for this mess.”
“I am willing to take full responsibility for the failure of the operation, sir,” The Captain answered stiffly.
“There’s no need for that, Captain. The Senate does not dictate our internal personnel management.”
“Very well, sir. Then am I suspended from active duty and removed from command?” Captain D’avis was well aware of the various punishments and disciplinary actions that could be imposed on him by the Colonel.
“Officially and on the records, you are.” Colonel Rasyldar adjusted a control at a panel set in his desk and the lights momentarily flickered. D’avis could tell that a null-field device of some kind had been just activated around the office, preventing most forms of eavesdropping. “This is entirely off the record, Captain. Most of your Team, including your injured Storm Troopers, has been reassigned to other Teams across the planet and in the capital city. However, you are still technically in command of Team Four itself, with full operational freedom. Here’s a list of other Storm Troopers from your Team that we have also placed on suspension pending further investigation.” The Colonel passed over a piece of paper. “The members of these four squads have all been briefed on their current assignment. Memorize that list and then dispose of it.” D’avis scanned the piece of paper carefully, committing all the names to memory, and then disposed of it in the most secure way that he knew of.
He crumpled it up and swallowed it.
“So what is my new assignment, sir?” The Captain asked.
“Intelligence, Ops Admin, and myself believe that there is something strange happening within the Senate. We believe whatever is happening particularly involved Senator Alexius Aiacus. As you know, Captain, we’ve always suspected, but have never been able to prove that Aiacus has contacts with several major criminal organizations as well as the street gang underground. We highly suspect that Senator Aiacus has had a definite hand in creating the chaos that is steadily engulfing the city, but how and for what purpose, we don’t know yet. Our Operational Directives forbid us from interfering directly with Alexandria Nova’s political and governmental affairs, unless we have clear and firm evidence of liability.”
“So we’re setting up a covert deniable operation, sir?” D’avis asked and the Colonel nodded grimly.
“Your primary suspect is Senator Aiacus, but under no circumstances are you to undertake direct action against him. We can’t risk letting that Warp-spawn know that we’re on to him, not yet at least. Intelligence suggests that you might try to contact the street gangs in the slums under cover of arranging a cease-fire. By gaining their trust in this way, you might be able to squeeze some information from them as well. As an officer of an Imperial Guard unit that has just been badly mauled, they should not take that much convincing that you want to minimize further encounters like this most recent one. How you go about achieving the mission objective is up to you, Captain, but we need solid evidence of wrongdoing if we want to expose Senator Aiacus for the treacherous bastard that we firmly believe he is. After that, well… Let’s just say that direct action won’t just be an option, it’ll be a priority…”
Captain D’avis nodded.
“I’ll try my best, sir. What if we are caught by the Senate, the City Watch, or especially the Adeptus Arbites? We know that the Arbitrators are conducting their own detailed investigations into the crime wave. Perhaps these extend to the Senate as well. We might receive some serious interference from them, even if our end goals are the same.”
“You had better not be caught, Captain, for we can’t protect you should that occur. Remember that this is a covert operation. Do your utmost to not alert your potential enemies or shift their attention onto something more pressing and important. You’re dismissed, Captain. Good luck and good hunting.”
“Yes, sir.” S’coo D’avis stood, saluted, and left the office.
As soon as D’avis had left, the Colonel began drumming his fingers against the desk again.
“Aiacus,” He growled. “You made a damn big mistake this time. We ain’t just your cannon fodder...”
Last edited:
TklDuo-Ann
2nd Level Black Feather
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thx10050 said:
Well I PREFER "Queen Mistress of the Universe". But, that's beside the point. 😛 Seriously...Just call me Ann. We aren't formal here. Mods are nothing special...just servants.
Ann
Review
I went over your story paragraph by paragraph. Comments are beneath and in red. Although some might come across as a bit rude if you’re very sensitive, they are always only meant to be constructive criticism and suggestions from someone who has been getting his stories published for three years now.
For general feedback: There’s some great dialogue, especially from the middle to the end (where there are few red remarks). You keep it interesting and believable, and it seems like you know where you’re going. I can’t comment on the story flow, since the piece you provided us with is very short and consists almost entirely of dialogue. One can tell you do have a good concept of the background for your story, though. Despite the flaws pointed out below, I think it is a neat story that, with some constant reviewing and editing, will become a good story.
---------------------------------------------------------------------
-Capital city of Champlain III, Alexandria Nova.
-Sector Two of Adeptus Arbites Precinct, Primary Imperial Guard Garrison Base: Operations Administration.
-Morning, 0900 Hours, CST (Champlain Standard Time).
Minor nitpick: Where are we? Inside the Arbites precinct or in an IG base? The location causes more confusion for me than it helps to set the stage for the following scene.
The Imperial Guard Storm Trooper Captain of Team Four waited in the room just outside the garrison Colonel’s office.
Like most of the elite Storm Troopers across the Imperium of Man, he was a tough and strong professional. Originally the man had graduated near the bottom of his Training Series in boot-camp when he had initially joined the Imperial Guard. Subsequently, he had received a rather negative evaluation by his superiors upon graduation. As a result, he had been assigned to various inhospitable, but strategically important backwater worlds with the 4th Trilarian Regiment.
Typo: “training series”, not “Training Series”.
During the sudden Dark Eldar invasion of the planet Gregis VII, just after he had been promoted to Lieutenant, he had managed to launch and coordinate a strong offensive at one of the largest alien landing sites and had held the foul aliens with his men at a critical valley. This holding action had allowed the regiment’s Leman Russ battle-tanks and other armored vehicles to move up and blast the Dark Eldar apart, shattering their offensive. Later, when the Dark Eldar had been completely driven off the world by the combined might of the Imperial Guard and the Adeptus Astartes, he had been promoted to the rank of Captain and was recommended by his superior officers to the Storm Trooper training camp on the Death-World of Viliard Prime. He had graduated from the training camp with honors, joining the elite ranks of the Storm Troopers, and was assigned to Champlain III on the Eastern Fringe as part of that world’s PDF.
Now, several years later, the man had become one of the most respected Alexandria Nova officers within the Imperial Guard garrison and Storm Trooper Team Four was privately considered by some to be the Ops Admin’s group of choice for the more important missions. Today, however, Team Four was in disgrace over the disaster at Utopia Mansion and had been relieved of duty until a full debriefing and investigation had been conducted. Nearly half of Team Four’s six Storm Trooper squads of seven men each were out of action as the results of deaths or injuries because of that mission. Accusations were thick in the air and right now, it was Captain S’coo D’avis’ turn to meet the man who decided the ultimate fate for any Imperial Guardsman on Champlain III.
The above three paragraphs are rather tiresome to read. Since you do not want to distract from the story you keep it very brief and matter-of-fact-like, which makes the whole thing very unexciting. A real anti-climax can be found in paragraph #2: “This holding action had allowed the regiment’s Leman Russ battle-tanks and other armored vehicles to move up and blast the Dark Eldar apart, shattering their offensive.” This doesn’t put any pictures into my mind at all, which is bad, since the scene could be quite agitating. The problem is that you violated one of the primary rules of writing here: “Show, don’t tell!”
My suggestion is to either leave these paragraphs out altogether, since we all know that every Storm Trooper Captain must have had an exciting career of sorts to get into his current position, or to switch into a flash-back scene, where you can tell the most dramatic moment, holding a valley against alien raiders on an inhospitable planet in a desperate struggle to hold out until the reserves arrive, from D’avis’ perspective. Just remember that the reader wants to “see” D’avis’ exploits, not “hear” about them.
“The Colonel will see you now, Captain,” Announced the young Guardsman at the desk. The Captain picked up his utility cap, straightened out his garrison fatigues, and then walked over to the wooden door. He paused momentarily for it to slide open and then walked into the office. Coming up to his superior officer’s desk, he came smoothly to attention and saluted sharply.
That last sentence is a bit crowded with adverbs. As it is, the sentence looks corny. It’s a mistake I’ve also made for years. Let me explain: “[…] he came to […] attention” already signals to the reader that he is doing it smoothly, or you would have written something like “he snapped to attention” instead. Similarly, your reader will assume that the salute will be carried out properly (or “sharply”) by a professional military man, unless you state he does it sloppily. So you can safely dump the “smoothly” and “sharply”.
“Captain D’avis, reporting as ordered, sir.”
The uniformed Colonel leaned back in his synth-leather chair, coolly regarding the Captain. The Colonel had brown hair, cut short into a high and tight haircut, and a scarred, but chiseled visage. One of his blue eyes had been replaced long ago with a glaring red-lensed bionic one.
Again, this part would be more gripping if you told what D’avis sees as he is looking at the Colonel instead of simply stating what he looks like. As a suggestion, instead of “One of his blue eyes had been replaced long ago with a glaring red-lensed bionic one.”, try something along the lines of “D’avis regarded his superior’s artificial eye, which glared at him in an angry red, with interest. Judging from the scar tissue around the bionic device, the Colonel must have had it for a long time already.”
“At ease, Captain. Take a seat.” Captain D’avis sat down rather stiffly in one of the nearby wooden chairs and waited for his superior to begin. “Well, Captain, by now almost everyone in the capital city has heard of how virtually half of Utopia Mansion was blown sky-high and that Imperial Guard soldiers were involved in the incident. I’ve seen the preliminary reports, but I would like to hear from you before making some decisions.” Colonel Rasyldar spoke each word clearly and precisely and his expression was unreadable. D’avis kept his own expression impassive as well.
By writing that “[he] spoke each word clearly and precisely”, you are repeating the same statement. “Clearly” or “precisely” alone would suffice.
“Sir,” D’avis began, his voice possessing a thick and distinct off-world accent. “As you know, I received and accepted a possible mission outline from Ops Admin at 1700 Hours yesterday. The primary objective was to conduct an authorized Search-And-Seizure operation at Utopia Mansion in the Tibury District. Maximum force was allowed and advised by Ops Admin. The target of the mission was a suspected member of the Jagged Blade gang leadership cadre, a man known as the ‘Ogre’ who-”
There is a perspective issue in the first sentence. Since your story is told in third person, but from the viewpoint of D’avis, it’s illogical to note him having an “off world accent”. He’d rather perceive the Colonel speaking differently. If you want to make this distinction, you should let D’avis think about Rasyldar’s (maybe more cultivated) accent instead.
Colonel Rasyldar raised a hand, signaling for the Captain to stop.
Spelling: “signalling”
“That is all in the reports, Captain D’avis, but I want to know what, by the Immortal Emperor, happened. How did a secure and short notice operation suddenly turn into the biggest foul-up this city has ever seen?”
I’d make this “short-notice operation” to prevent the reader from stopping for a fraction of a second at this part of the sentence to sort out which word the “notice” belongs to, but that’s merely a matter of personal taste.
“Sir, I believe that our target was warned before the assault with enough time to quickly set up a trap for us.”
Sentence flow. Think about splitting the sentence in two. My suggestion: “Sir, I believe that our target was warned beforehand. He had enough time to set up a trap for us.”
“Why do you think that it was a hasty ambush? Maybe your information was faulty, Captain.”
Illogical. If “Ogre” had enough time to set up a trap, there was no haste involved. Also, it seems strange that the conversation would take such a turn as in the second sentence. Imagine the Colonel, who is fuming, or at least sufficiently angry to make somebody pay for the disaster at Utopia Mansion. He asks his Captain what went wrong. The Captain points out an ambush. Why would the Colonel now push the conversation towards a potential error of a third party so quickly, before he has even made up his mind whether the Captain might have failed?
“Sir, our information came directly from the Intelligence Section. After receiving the authorization to do so, I immediately placed a covert-ops surveillance team on full-time observation of the target’s apartment up until the time that we initiated Phase One, sir. Intel assured us beforehand that the target was there.”
“So it was Intel’s fault, Captain?” Colonel Rasyldar asked. “Defective information perhaps? They were duped into sending Storm Trooper squads into an ambush?” Captain D’avis didn’t answer and the Colonel knew that the man would not be prepared to comment negatively on the Intelligence Section.
The Storm Troopers, more so than the rest of the Imperial Guard, depended on the Intelligence Section to provide highly accurate and up-to-date information in order to carefully plan their missions so as to complete them with the utmost efficiency. But the fact that the operation went badly this time was no reason to bad-mouth their comrades in another section of the Imperial Guard.
“So why did over twelve Storm Troopers die, Captain?” The Colonel demanded after the short pause.
“Sir, there must have been a breach of security somewhere. I’ve looked over all the information and data that we managed to acquire before the operation commenced and the apartment not only looked inhabited, but it was verified to be so. The Intel analysts attached to my Team agree that the Tarantula turrets had been set up very quickly, with no attempt at protecting or concealing the turrets’ power cables or ammo feeds. If we had been prepared, we could have easily disabled those Tarantulas. We had gone in, however, expecting small-arms fire and physical close-combat, but nothing like the military hardware that we encountered, sir.”
There’s a typo in the third sentence (capital “T” in “team”). Also, the second mention of the Tarantulas is unnecessary, you can end that sentence with “those”. Finally, close combat is always physical. There’s no need to stress that.
“This is understandable, Captain.” The Colonel drummed his fingers idly against the desktop. “So do you think that we have a problem with security?”
“No, sir,” D’avis answered.
“No?” Colonel Rasyldar was surprised. Usually most Imperial Guard officers tried to shift blame for their shortcomings and failures onto other departments, in order to save their own commands. Intense rivalries within the Guard had become all too common lately.
Personal opinion: Rivalries in the Imperial Guard have probably been at a high since the decline of the Imperium’s influence after Lord Commander Solar Macharius’ crusade. It strikes me as odd that a Colonel would notice a considerable change for the worse in the IG “lately”. If you’re only referring to the specific Guard regiments of the planet/sub-sector/sector however, you should mention that somewhere in the paragraph.
“I have confidence in our security procedures and methods, sir,” D’avis said. “However, our security is not as rigorous once beyond our immediate organization for an operation. The only explanation I can give for our failure is that perhaps the squeal was playing us off against the Jagged Blade. He must have set us both up.” The Colonel looked at D’avis for a long time without speaking and then nodded slowly.
“Very good, Captain, very good indeed. I’m impressed because that was the explanation that Intelligence came up with as well. Perhaps we are under-staffing our Intel Section...” Colonel Rasyldar leaned forward and lowered his voice to a whisper. “The only problem with that particular theory is that the directive to launch the operation came straight from the Senate.”
The first direct speech comes across as overly corny. You are putting words into the Colonel’s mouth that stand in stark contrast to his previous (and following) behaviour. He doesn’t seem to be in the mood for compliments, being impressed by good thinking or attempts at dry humour. It also remains a bit unclear to me what implications the involvement of the Senate has that rule out the existance of a squeal in the Intel’s rows.
“Emperor’s Teeth...” D’avis whispered.
Teeth??? Good Emperor, what is the Ecclesiarchy doing on D’avis’ home planet?
“Well put, Captain. And now the Senate wants someone’s head for this mess.”
“I am willing to take full responsibility for the failure of the operation, sir,” The Captain answered stiffly.
“There’s no need for that, Captain. The Senate does not dictate our internal personnel management.”
“Very well, sir. Then am I suspended from active duty and removed from command?” Captain D’avis was well aware of the various punishments and disciplinary actions that could be imposed on him by the Colonel.
“Officially and on the records, you are.” Colonel Rasyldar adjusted a control at a panel set in his desk and the lights momentarily flickered. D’avis could tell that a null-field device of some kind had been just activated around the office, preventing most forms of eavesdropping. “This is entirely off the record, Captain. Most of your Team, including your injured Storm Troopers, has been reassigned to other Teams across the planet and in the capital city. However, you are still technically in command of Team Four itself, with full operational freedom. Here’s a list of other Storm Troopers from your Team that we have also placed on suspension pending further investigation.” The Colonel passed over a piece of paper. “The members of these four squads have all been briefed on their current assignment. Memorize that list and then dispose of it.” D’avis scanned the piece of paper carefully, committing all the names to memory, and then disposed of it in the most secure way that he knew of.
Again, the “Team” issue. Team should only be capitalized when used as a name, as in “Team Four”, to prevent destructing the reading flow every time someone stumbles over a capital “T” without an obvious reason.
He crumpled it up and swallowed it.
“So what is my new assignment, sir?” The Captain asked.
“Intelligence, Ops Admin, and myself believe that there is something strange happening within the Senate. We believe whatever is happening particularly involved Senator Alexius Aiacus. As you know, Captain, we’ve always suspected, but have never been able to prove that Aiacus has contacts with several major criminal organizations as well as the street gang underground. We highly suspect that Senator Aiacus has had a definite hand in creating the chaos that is steadily engulfing the city, but how and for what purpose, we don’t know yet. Our Operational Directives forbid us from interfering directly with Alexandria Nova’s political and governmental affairs, unless we have clear and firm evidence of liability.”
Typo, second sentence: “involves”, not “involved”.
“So we’re setting up a covert deniable operation, sir?” D’avis asked and the Colonel nodded grimly.
Covert operations’ inherent sense is to be deniable, you don’t have to point that out.
“Your primary suspect is Senator Aiacus, but under no circumstances are you to undertake direct action against him. We can’t risk letting that Warp-spawn know that we’re on to him, not yet at least. Intelligence suggests that you might try to contact the street gangs in the slums under cover of arranging a cease-fire. By gaining their trust in this way, you might be able to squeeze some information from them as well. As an officer of an Imperial Guard unit that has just been badly mauled, they should not take that much convincing that you want to minimize further encounters like this most recent one. How you go about achieving the mission objective is up to you, Captain, but we need solid evidence of wrongdoing if we want to expose Senator Aiacus for the treacherous bastard that we firmly believe he is. After that, well… Let’s just say that direct action won’t just be an option, it’ll be a priority…”
I don’t think that after calling a member of the ruling senate “Warp-spawn” and “treacherous bastard”, anybody would make much of a fuss about saying aloud that he should eventually be disposed of. Especially if a null-field protects him from eavesdropping. The evasive “well” and “let’s just say” looks forced. It also doesn’t fit the way the Colonel talks in this scene very well.
Captain D’avis nodded.
“I’ll try my best, sir. What if we are caught by the Senate, the City Watch, or especially the Adeptus Arbites? We know that the Arbitrators are conducting their own detailed investigations into the crime wave. Perhaps these extend to the Senate as well. We might receive some serious interference from them, even if our end goals are the same.”
“You had better not be caught, Captain, for we can’t protect you should that occur. Remember that this is a covert operation. Do your utmost to not alert your potential enemies or shift their attention onto something more pressing and important. You’re dismissed, Captain. Good luck and good hunting.”
“Yes, sir.” S’coo D’avis stood, saluted, and left the office.
As soon as D’avis had left, the Colonel began drumming his fingers against the desk again.
“Aiacus,” He growled. “You made a damn big mistake this time. We ain’t just your cannon fodder...”
Typo: capital “H” in “he”. Also, for someone expressing himself rather carefully like the Colonel, that last sentence sounds “like he’s yellin’ it from da top of a truck”, apart from the obvious pathos.
EDIT: Own typo corrected.
I went over your story paragraph by paragraph. Comments are beneath and in red. Although some might come across as a bit rude if you’re very sensitive, they are always only meant to be constructive criticism and suggestions from someone who has been getting his stories published for three years now.
For general feedback: There’s some great dialogue, especially from the middle to the end (where there are few red remarks). You keep it interesting and believable, and it seems like you know where you’re going. I can’t comment on the story flow, since the piece you provided us with is very short and consists almost entirely of dialogue. One can tell you do have a good concept of the background for your story, though. Despite the flaws pointed out below, I think it is a neat story that, with some constant reviewing and editing, will become a good story.
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-Capital city of Champlain III, Alexandria Nova.
-Sector Two of Adeptus Arbites Precinct, Primary Imperial Guard Garrison Base: Operations Administration.
-Morning, 0900 Hours, CST (Champlain Standard Time).
Minor nitpick: Where are we? Inside the Arbites precinct or in an IG base? The location causes more confusion for me than it helps to set the stage for the following scene.
The Imperial Guard Storm Trooper Captain of Team Four waited in the room just outside the garrison Colonel’s office.
Like most of the elite Storm Troopers across the Imperium of Man, he was a tough and strong professional. Originally the man had graduated near the bottom of his Training Series in boot-camp when he had initially joined the Imperial Guard. Subsequently, he had received a rather negative evaluation by his superiors upon graduation. As a result, he had been assigned to various inhospitable, but strategically important backwater worlds with the 4th Trilarian Regiment.
Typo: “training series”, not “Training Series”.
During the sudden Dark Eldar invasion of the planet Gregis VII, just after he had been promoted to Lieutenant, he had managed to launch and coordinate a strong offensive at one of the largest alien landing sites and had held the foul aliens with his men at a critical valley. This holding action had allowed the regiment’s Leman Russ battle-tanks and other armored vehicles to move up and blast the Dark Eldar apart, shattering their offensive. Later, when the Dark Eldar had been completely driven off the world by the combined might of the Imperial Guard and the Adeptus Astartes, he had been promoted to the rank of Captain and was recommended by his superior officers to the Storm Trooper training camp on the Death-World of Viliard Prime. He had graduated from the training camp with honors, joining the elite ranks of the Storm Troopers, and was assigned to Champlain III on the Eastern Fringe as part of that world’s PDF.
Now, several years later, the man had become one of the most respected Alexandria Nova officers within the Imperial Guard garrison and Storm Trooper Team Four was privately considered by some to be the Ops Admin’s group of choice for the more important missions. Today, however, Team Four was in disgrace over the disaster at Utopia Mansion and had been relieved of duty until a full debriefing and investigation had been conducted. Nearly half of Team Four’s six Storm Trooper squads of seven men each were out of action as the results of deaths or injuries because of that mission. Accusations were thick in the air and right now, it was Captain S’coo D’avis’ turn to meet the man who decided the ultimate fate for any Imperial Guardsman on Champlain III.
The above three paragraphs are rather tiresome to read. Since you do not want to distract from the story you keep it very brief and matter-of-fact-like, which makes the whole thing very unexciting. A real anti-climax can be found in paragraph #2: “This holding action had allowed the regiment’s Leman Russ battle-tanks and other armored vehicles to move up and blast the Dark Eldar apart, shattering their offensive.” This doesn’t put any pictures into my mind at all, which is bad, since the scene could be quite agitating. The problem is that you violated one of the primary rules of writing here: “Show, don’t tell!”
My suggestion is to either leave these paragraphs out altogether, since we all know that every Storm Trooper Captain must have had an exciting career of sorts to get into his current position, or to switch into a flash-back scene, where you can tell the most dramatic moment, holding a valley against alien raiders on an inhospitable planet in a desperate struggle to hold out until the reserves arrive, from D’avis’ perspective. Just remember that the reader wants to “see” D’avis’ exploits, not “hear” about them.
“The Colonel will see you now, Captain,” Announced the young Guardsman at the desk. The Captain picked up his utility cap, straightened out his garrison fatigues, and then walked over to the wooden door. He paused momentarily for it to slide open and then walked into the office. Coming up to his superior officer’s desk, he came smoothly to attention and saluted sharply.
That last sentence is a bit crowded with adverbs. As it is, the sentence looks corny. It’s a mistake I’ve also made for years. Let me explain: “[…] he came to […] attention” already signals to the reader that he is doing it smoothly, or you would have written something like “he snapped to attention” instead. Similarly, your reader will assume that the salute will be carried out properly (or “sharply”) by a professional military man, unless you state he does it sloppily. So you can safely dump the “smoothly” and “sharply”.
“Captain D’avis, reporting as ordered, sir.”
The uniformed Colonel leaned back in his synth-leather chair, coolly regarding the Captain. The Colonel had brown hair, cut short into a high and tight haircut, and a scarred, but chiseled visage. One of his blue eyes had been replaced long ago with a glaring red-lensed bionic one.
Again, this part would be more gripping if you told what D’avis sees as he is looking at the Colonel instead of simply stating what he looks like. As a suggestion, instead of “One of his blue eyes had been replaced long ago with a glaring red-lensed bionic one.”, try something along the lines of “D’avis regarded his superior’s artificial eye, which glared at him in an angry red, with interest. Judging from the scar tissue around the bionic device, the Colonel must have had it for a long time already.”
“At ease, Captain. Take a seat.” Captain D’avis sat down rather stiffly in one of the nearby wooden chairs and waited for his superior to begin. “Well, Captain, by now almost everyone in the capital city has heard of how virtually half of Utopia Mansion was blown sky-high and that Imperial Guard soldiers were involved in the incident. I’ve seen the preliminary reports, but I would like to hear from you before making some decisions.” Colonel Rasyldar spoke each word clearly and precisely and his expression was unreadable. D’avis kept his own expression impassive as well.
By writing that “[he] spoke each word clearly and precisely”, you are repeating the same statement. “Clearly” or “precisely” alone would suffice.
“Sir,” D’avis began, his voice possessing a thick and distinct off-world accent. “As you know, I received and accepted a possible mission outline from Ops Admin at 1700 Hours yesterday. The primary objective was to conduct an authorized Search-And-Seizure operation at Utopia Mansion in the Tibury District. Maximum force was allowed and advised by Ops Admin. The target of the mission was a suspected member of the Jagged Blade gang leadership cadre, a man known as the ‘Ogre’ who-”
There is a perspective issue in the first sentence. Since your story is told in third person, but from the viewpoint of D’avis, it’s illogical to note him having an “off world accent”. He’d rather perceive the Colonel speaking differently. If you want to make this distinction, you should let D’avis think about Rasyldar’s (maybe more cultivated) accent instead.
Colonel Rasyldar raised a hand, signaling for the Captain to stop.
Spelling: “signalling”
“That is all in the reports, Captain D’avis, but I want to know what, by the Immortal Emperor, happened. How did a secure and short notice operation suddenly turn into the biggest foul-up this city has ever seen?”
I’d make this “short-notice operation” to prevent the reader from stopping for a fraction of a second at this part of the sentence to sort out which word the “notice” belongs to, but that’s merely a matter of personal taste.
“Sir, I believe that our target was warned before the assault with enough time to quickly set up a trap for us.”
Sentence flow. Think about splitting the sentence in two. My suggestion: “Sir, I believe that our target was warned beforehand. He had enough time to set up a trap for us.”
“Why do you think that it was a hasty ambush? Maybe your information was faulty, Captain.”
Illogical. If “Ogre” had enough time to set up a trap, there was no haste involved. Also, it seems strange that the conversation would take such a turn as in the second sentence. Imagine the Colonel, who is fuming, or at least sufficiently angry to make somebody pay for the disaster at Utopia Mansion. He asks his Captain what went wrong. The Captain points out an ambush. Why would the Colonel now push the conversation towards a potential error of a third party so quickly, before he has even made up his mind whether the Captain might have failed?
“Sir, our information came directly from the Intelligence Section. After receiving the authorization to do so, I immediately placed a covert-ops surveillance team on full-time observation of the target’s apartment up until the time that we initiated Phase One, sir. Intel assured us beforehand that the target was there.”
“So it was Intel’s fault, Captain?” Colonel Rasyldar asked. “Defective information perhaps? They were duped into sending Storm Trooper squads into an ambush?” Captain D’avis didn’t answer and the Colonel knew that the man would not be prepared to comment negatively on the Intelligence Section.
The Storm Troopers, more so than the rest of the Imperial Guard, depended on the Intelligence Section to provide highly accurate and up-to-date information in order to carefully plan their missions so as to complete them with the utmost efficiency. But the fact that the operation went badly this time was no reason to bad-mouth their comrades in another section of the Imperial Guard.
“So why did over twelve Storm Troopers die, Captain?” The Colonel demanded after the short pause.
“Sir, there must have been a breach of security somewhere. I’ve looked over all the information and data that we managed to acquire before the operation commenced and the apartment not only looked inhabited, but it was verified to be so. The Intel analysts attached to my Team agree that the Tarantula turrets had been set up very quickly, with no attempt at protecting or concealing the turrets’ power cables or ammo feeds. If we had been prepared, we could have easily disabled those Tarantulas. We had gone in, however, expecting small-arms fire and physical close-combat, but nothing like the military hardware that we encountered, sir.”
There’s a typo in the third sentence (capital “T” in “team”). Also, the second mention of the Tarantulas is unnecessary, you can end that sentence with “those”. Finally, close combat is always physical. There’s no need to stress that.
“This is understandable, Captain.” The Colonel drummed his fingers idly against the desktop. “So do you think that we have a problem with security?”
“No, sir,” D’avis answered.
“No?” Colonel Rasyldar was surprised. Usually most Imperial Guard officers tried to shift blame for their shortcomings and failures onto other departments, in order to save their own commands. Intense rivalries within the Guard had become all too common lately.
Personal opinion: Rivalries in the Imperial Guard have probably been at a high since the decline of the Imperium’s influence after Lord Commander Solar Macharius’ crusade. It strikes me as odd that a Colonel would notice a considerable change for the worse in the IG “lately”. If you’re only referring to the specific Guard regiments of the planet/sub-sector/sector however, you should mention that somewhere in the paragraph.
“I have confidence in our security procedures and methods, sir,” D’avis said. “However, our security is not as rigorous once beyond our immediate organization for an operation. The only explanation I can give for our failure is that perhaps the squeal was playing us off against the Jagged Blade. He must have set us both up.” The Colonel looked at D’avis for a long time without speaking and then nodded slowly.
“Very good, Captain, very good indeed. I’m impressed because that was the explanation that Intelligence came up with as well. Perhaps we are under-staffing our Intel Section...” Colonel Rasyldar leaned forward and lowered his voice to a whisper. “The only problem with that particular theory is that the directive to launch the operation came straight from the Senate.”
The first direct speech comes across as overly corny. You are putting words into the Colonel’s mouth that stand in stark contrast to his previous (and following) behaviour. He doesn’t seem to be in the mood for compliments, being impressed by good thinking or attempts at dry humour. It also remains a bit unclear to me what implications the involvement of the Senate has that rule out the existance of a squeal in the Intel’s rows.
“Emperor’s Teeth...” D’avis whispered.
Teeth??? Good Emperor, what is the Ecclesiarchy doing on D’avis’ home planet?
“Well put, Captain. And now the Senate wants someone’s head for this mess.”
“I am willing to take full responsibility for the failure of the operation, sir,” The Captain answered stiffly.
“There’s no need for that, Captain. The Senate does not dictate our internal personnel management.”
“Very well, sir. Then am I suspended from active duty and removed from command?” Captain D’avis was well aware of the various punishments and disciplinary actions that could be imposed on him by the Colonel.
“Officially and on the records, you are.” Colonel Rasyldar adjusted a control at a panel set in his desk and the lights momentarily flickered. D’avis could tell that a null-field device of some kind had been just activated around the office, preventing most forms of eavesdropping. “This is entirely off the record, Captain. Most of your Team, including your injured Storm Troopers, has been reassigned to other Teams across the planet and in the capital city. However, you are still technically in command of Team Four itself, with full operational freedom. Here’s a list of other Storm Troopers from your Team that we have also placed on suspension pending further investigation.” The Colonel passed over a piece of paper. “The members of these four squads have all been briefed on their current assignment. Memorize that list and then dispose of it.” D’avis scanned the piece of paper carefully, committing all the names to memory, and then disposed of it in the most secure way that he knew of.
Again, the “Team” issue. Team should only be capitalized when used as a name, as in “Team Four”, to prevent destructing the reading flow every time someone stumbles over a capital “T” without an obvious reason.
He crumpled it up and swallowed it.
“So what is my new assignment, sir?” The Captain asked.
“Intelligence, Ops Admin, and myself believe that there is something strange happening within the Senate. We believe whatever is happening particularly involved Senator Alexius Aiacus. As you know, Captain, we’ve always suspected, but have never been able to prove that Aiacus has contacts with several major criminal organizations as well as the street gang underground. We highly suspect that Senator Aiacus has had a definite hand in creating the chaos that is steadily engulfing the city, but how and for what purpose, we don’t know yet. Our Operational Directives forbid us from interfering directly with Alexandria Nova’s political and governmental affairs, unless we have clear and firm evidence of liability.”
Typo, second sentence: “involves”, not “involved”.
“So we’re setting up a covert deniable operation, sir?” D’avis asked and the Colonel nodded grimly.
Covert operations’ inherent sense is to be deniable, you don’t have to point that out.
“Your primary suspect is Senator Aiacus, but under no circumstances are you to undertake direct action against him. We can’t risk letting that Warp-spawn know that we’re on to him, not yet at least. Intelligence suggests that you might try to contact the street gangs in the slums under cover of arranging a cease-fire. By gaining their trust in this way, you might be able to squeeze some information from them as well. As an officer of an Imperial Guard unit that has just been badly mauled, they should not take that much convincing that you want to minimize further encounters like this most recent one. How you go about achieving the mission objective is up to you, Captain, but we need solid evidence of wrongdoing if we want to expose Senator Aiacus for the treacherous bastard that we firmly believe he is. After that, well… Let’s just say that direct action won’t just be an option, it’ll be a priority…”
I don’t think that after calling a member of the ruling senate “Warp-spawn” and “treacherous bastard”, anybody would make much of a fuss about saying aloud that he should eventually be disposed of. Especially if a null-field protects him from eavesdropping. The evasive “well” and “let’s just say” looks forced. It also doesn’t fit the way the Colonel talks in this scene very well.
Captain D’avis nodded.
“I’ll try my best, sir. What if we are caught by the Senate, the City Watch, or especially the Adeptus Arbites? We know that the Arbitrators are conducting their own detailed investigations into the crime wave. Perhaps these extend to the Senate as well. We might receive some serious interference from them, even if our end goals are the same.”
“You had better not be caught, Captain, for we can’t protect you should that occur. Remember that this is a covert operation. Do your utmost to not alert your potential enemies or shift their attention onto something more pressing and important. You’re dismissed, Captain. Good luck and good hunting.”
“Yes, sir.” S’coo D’avis stood, saluted, and left the office.
As soon as D’avis had left, the Colonel began drumming his fingers against the desk again.
“Aiacus,” He growled. “You made a damn big mistake this time. We ain’t just your cannon fodder...”
Typo: capital “H” in “he”. Also, for someone expressing himself rather carefully like the Colonel, that last sentence sounds “like he’s yellin’ it from da top of a truck”, apart from the obvious pathos.
EDIT: Own typo corrected.
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Hey, thanks, TklNat. Glad to get some good, solid critcism from someone who both knows the 40K universe and is an accomplished writer. Some of your comments I agree with, and some I of course disagree with. Just for note, in terms of what I mean by disagreement, the capital T issue, while wrong, is placed throughout the 250+ page story; I consider it a little trademark, whether it's wrong or not. 🙂 The same goes with Training Series and having all my ranks capitalized. It may seem wrong and strange, but I like it and no one's complained about it (note: I don't consider your criticism complaining).
If you'd like, and have time, to help me edit this story further, please e-mail me at: [email protected] I'd greatly appreciate it.
Thanks.
If you'd like, and have time, to help me edit this story further, please e-mail me at: [email protected] I'd greatly appreciate it.
Thanks.
