what a week...

[bass]

disclaimer: the only reason im typing this is because i am messed up on a bunch of stuff.. it is the details of a terrible life of a 20 year old guy living in florida.. read at your own risk..

so hmm where to start... it is august... in march my mother was diagnosed with lung cancer and treatments and everything started.. family life is already rough with me.. me and my pops fight alot.. i am the outcast/bad one/piece of shit in the family.. well chemo was supposed to get rid of the cancer tumors and stuff.. but it just shrunk them a little.. so she switched to radiation AND chemo.. and then a new doctor she saw tells us the type of cancer she has is NOT curable... and they project a year to live for her.. talk about a KICK IN THE NUTS AND A REAR NAKED CHOKE HOLD...

so then there is girls.. i havent been with a chic since like 2 and a half years ago and that one fucked up my head and my heart.. so its changed who i am and how i approach everything and everyone.. and then randomly i meet this chic through work... shes 18.. im 20.. she plays bass.. i play all instruments.. so we start hanging out.. we hang out everyday for like 2 weeks straight, i stayed with her while she did ecstasy and acid and all this stuff to keep her safe.. and i was actually starting to be happy again.. i am a habitual marijuana smoker but i didnt even think about it when i was with her.. and then.. im staying at her place one night and its just me and her.. no one else.. she says she needs to talk to me... and she says... "i just wanted you to know that me and mike are talking again.." mike being her ex boyfriend who gets pissed/jealous whenever she is with me.. soooooo... she stops talking to me.. which is absolutely wonderful.. it was stupid of me to think things were going to be different at all.. she is just like every other chic out there.. so its my fault for thinking things would be good for a change and different.. strike two or something..

so then... on top of that... i find out... the girl from the last relationship, who i still very deeply care for.. is pregnant.. with the baby of a piece of shit, tough guy surfer hardcore kid asshole who treats her life shit and is a psycho.. so here i am like one part of me says fuck it and stay the fuck away from her and out of it.. and the other part of me is saying "i will do absolutely anything to help this girl out".. but seriously.. what the hell can i do?? its not my baby and we have a very messed up past.. but i still want to help her and be there for her... ARRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRG

my sister moved out of the house this past weekend also (it was me mom dad sister).. so now the chances of me and my dad getting into it are even greater than before.. its so bad if i have to be at my house, i go to sleep so i dont have to deal with anybody.. its like everywhere i turn theres a problem and i cant do anything about ANYTHING..

so on top of all this, i have my future to think about... ive been actively pursuing music for the past 7 years and its a longshot but im confident i will eventually make it in music.. i cant rely on that though, but i already messed up in college... graduated high school with a 3.7 GPA and went to UCF for a year.. but i rarely showed up for class and partied and smoked weed all day.. and then i went to community college.. forgot to pay tuition on the day it was due... forced to drop out.. and now i dont want to go back until i feel i am ready.. but at the same time i cant wait very long.. i am planning on studying marine biology but at the same time i dont think there is anything i could study and pursue as a career that i wouldnt get bored with.. argg... and then theres my sport... mixed martial arts... i am only in training and havent had my first fight.. but its hard to train and be serious about it when i have so many other things going on.. and it sucks cuz im very very interested in this sport and am definately pursuing it.. it will take a while and a lot of training and dedication.. but i am so there...

so i think thats all i have for now... so in closing...

again, i am intoxicated.. so im sure i have some obscenities in there.. which i will edit and change when i am sober.. so i apologize if anybody found it offensive..

feel free to comment/advice on anything or to bash me and talk all kinds of shit and tell me how much of a fuck up and a loser i am.. i expect both..

sorry if this wasted your reading time.. thats why i put the disclaimer tho.. everyone have a good night/day/ or whatever is relavent to when u read this..

peace..

bryan

 

[ticklingfeet4fu]

Bryan, Let me start by saying that I am truly sorry about your mom. I don't really believe that you are wasting anyone's time by letting us read through this. I will be praying for you your mom and the rest of your family. I will only offer up advice Bryan if you want it. You can PM me and let me know. It is an awful lot to go through by the age of 20. BTW, I don't get along with my dad either as we have issues also. If you want to talk you can PM me and we can talk. My girlfriend, Sadira would also be willing to help you any way she can too if need be. Just so you know you have 2 friends if you ever need us.

 

[stdave]

Sorry to hear about your Mom Bryan. Yes life can have its rough spots (see my previous thread) but we just have to pick up the pieces and move on. I hope everything works out for you soon and that you will find a career in music or whatever is right fit for you. As for your girfriend, you are still pretty young and I'm sure that you will find the right one soon. Take care and think positive.

 

[bass]

thanks to those who responded.. i appreciate the kind words and thoughts... i was on the brink of insanity last night when i was typing all that and i was under the influence of many-a-substances.. but yea.. its hard to keep a straight head with all this going on..

ticklingfeet4fu - thanks alot, i will definately keep that in mind in case i ever go AWOL again.. much appreciated

stdave - yea im not so worried about the chic that stopped talking to me for bullshit reasons, im more worried about the previous girl who is now pregnant.. its a very long and messed up story, but ill probably end up posting it soon haha

well time to call it a night.. work in the morning... goodnight everyone

 

[Iwon'tgrowup]

Not a lot of people to bash you here, Bryan, but a lot of people to support you (whether they post or not). Some of us are just a lot more vocal than others, but I have found there's quite a bit of "silent" support here. I'm glad you wrote, man. Many, many good wishes, prayers, et. al.

 

[ticklkitten]

Most of those here have been in some pretty messed up situations in their life from one spectrum to another. And I have found that we are pretty helpful people, myself included.

I've been where you are... in most of the situations you've listed above. Between the death of family members and the bad relationships with others, to problems in love, to problems with drugs... I've been there. It's a big load to take on at 20. If you ever, and I mean EVER need someone to talk to, I'm around pretty often. PM me... whatever.... I may not always have advice to give but I lend a pretty good sympathetic and understanding ear.

 

[venray]

If anyone has "been there done that" it is this 51 Y/O guy who was pretty much like you at that age. (especially the college thing)

You sound like a truly caring person who has identified his faults fairly well.

Now you have to focus on what you would like to change about yourself and work on it one thing at a time. Never forgetting that there are a lot of good things going on as well....If there werent you wouldn't care enough to post about it here....

Email me if you want to talk Bryan...... [email protected]

I have been around the block a few times and might be able to help a little....


Ray

 

[bass]

wow i seriously didnt expect for anybody to respond to this at all.. like when i got home from work today all i could think about was 'damn i need to delete that shit i wrote last night..' but i am very appreciative of the support from you all.. you all are definately on top of the list of people to talk to if i need to talk.. and thats funny because i dont know/never will know any of you.. all we share is that one special interest...

but the reason i didnt expect any responses or positive reactions at all.. is based on the fact that im only 20 so i would be viewed as an immature little kid who knows nothing.. which i was obviously mistaken about.. so thank you all very much for giving me "the time of day" and respect.. its awesome..

iwon'tgrowup - good point, i usually dont post here myself but i am a daily visitor.. thanks

ticklkitten - sounds like u have been through very similar experiences.. so maybe ill need some advice from you at times..but.. i dont know.. id feel weird or something about it.. im a very strange person : and as far as problems with drugs.. its been getting out of hand.. not that i want it to be public knowledge but in the past week ive taken enough painkillers and xanax that i am still feeling the shit 4 days after stopping the popping.. and im probably about to take some more for some reason.. drugs are shady business.. i used to just smoke weed.. but now its even hard for me to quit that because if i do, pretty much everyone i know smokes.. so its just like cigarettes... its hard to quit if you are always around it.. but.. argggg.. i dont know

venray - i hear what ur saying, about having to change things one at a time and figuring things out.. but it seems like no matter what i do theres always going to be, pardon the expression, a monkey wrench thrown in the mix.. lifes unpredictable but i think i have not just a storm cloud over my head, but a storm cloud with a category 4 hurricane brewing.. im a pessimistic person but im being serious... i have very bad luck.. ill take your words to heart though and i appreciate it

i dont know if any of these responses will make much sense.. i just kinda type as it comes to my head.. and just since im already here... here is something else to throw in the mix...

i used to be in a band with a dude my age, and i was friends with his brother also.. his brother is 24.. so then his brother hooked up with this chic we knew who is a little younger (18) and they have been together for a while... and now... for SOME reason... last night at 2:30 in the morning the girl sends me a text message saying she had a weird dream about me.. and i said explain... and well... to sum up the problem... my buddy's girlfriend is having dreams about having sex with me.. and now shes been calling me all day... and i was supposed to go play golf with my buddy... and i had to cancel cuz i couldnt deal with it...
MUAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA

i love this shit

P.S.S. - before i could even post this, my buddy that i was just talking about called me again hahahaha

 

[ticklkitten]

Of COURSE we responded to you.... we care around here.

About the drugs and such, I HAVE been there. I'll send you a pm to be able to get a bit more in detail.