Have you ever seen a movie that had a really really great idea that they COMPLETELY fucked up when they filmed it? Chances are, your answer is "HELL YES!" The bureaucracy, avarice, advertising and just plain unchecked capitalism of Hollywood has done so much damage to artistic cinematic integrity, that it's failures are sometimes more famous than it's successes. Here are just a few of the wondrous ideas put to paper that Hollywood just COULDN'T LEAVE ALONE.
THEY
A horror story ABOUT those shadowy evil things that give us nightmares as children? Now THAT is as fundamental as it gets in the horror genre, and surprisingly original. Unfortunately, the guy who came up with the story never wrote a first draft, and Dimension's attempt to compensate with 10 (count 'em) TEN writers didn't help and resulted in this pure and utter dreck of a ghost-stalker film that makes NO sense whatsoever and isn't even worth the price of a free coupon.
THE ISLAND OF DR. MOREAU
A film adaptation of H.G. Wells most interesting novel? ZOUNDS! A modernization with modern technology? YIMINY! Marlon Brando and John Frankenheimer? MUST SEE IT! And unfortunately we did...and realized that the philosophical issues were replaced with silly interspecies humor, the production values hampered by the budget, the script suffering from obvious tampering, and the final, incontrovertible proof that Brando is literally out of his fucking mind. The resulting catastrophe has RUINED the chances of a better modernization being made any time soon (if ever again), and soured thousands on the source material. *sob*
THE 13TH WARRIOR
Michael Crichton's famous historical hoax of a novel that involved an exiled Arabic scholar uniting with savage Norseman warriors to travel north and do battle with a mysterious and anthropophagiacal evil in the early 900s should have been the second-best fucking story of the 20th century. Unfortunately, the should-have-been epic scale was trimmed down, the timeline condensed, the characters undeveloped, the budget insufficient, the tension nonexistant, and the title changed from "Eaters of the Dead" to the forgettable and cheese-o-ramic title above. John McTiernan's failing talent and Crichton's incurable revisions destroyed what could have been one of the best films ever made.
LAST ACTION HERO
When you think about the REAL example of wasted potential, this infamous 1994 bomb should come to mind. A truly inventive and funny script about a real-world kid and a movie action hero jumping in-and-out of each other's realities should have been THE film fantasy movie of all time. Unfortunately, Hollywood didn't like the idea of having its shallow and pretentious formulas being ridiculed in front of millions of people, and eviscerated the script until it was an unthreatening (and unrecognizable) shape of its former self. The film and its box-office receipts sucked, and showed that Hollywood was willing to take a black eye just to keep our faces in their garbage.
SIGNS
This one you can't entirely blame on Hollywood...but rather the actual writer/director himself. M. Night Shyamalan made the great The Sixth Sense and the even better Unbreakable, but then decided to bring out the more spiritual side of himself in a movie about the divine nature of fate...with ALIENS! Essentially the War of the Worlds retold from the P.O.V. of a farm family, his gift for truly gifted suspense and stellar cast can't save a film that bases all of creation and the meaning of human life and suffering on the placement of water glasses. Outraged discussions ensue.
THEY LIVE
Thank GOD John Carpenter handled this one and saved it from being a complete failure. The second-greatest satire of all time (next to Dr. Strangelove) may be based on a hokey sci-fi story by Ray Nelson, but it's silly premise is absolutely fascinating and definitely original as all hell. Unfortunately, the holes in the plot required that the film be made as B-movie cheese fare, but John Carpenter at least tackles the serious with the serious and the ludicrous with self-mockery. The characters are a very underdevelped and the story wraps itself up to quickly, but you can tell that the meager budget may have been responsible for much of this. That being said, this is the most entertaining Hollywood screw-up ever and features the greatest fight sequence ever filmed in movie history.
EYES WIDE SHUT
Actually, this is a damned good film despite the fact that the supporting cast is better than the main cast, and that it is confusing as shit. The problem doesn't come from the late Stanley Kubrick's brain, but rather from the empty crevice where Hollywood once had one in the form of censorship. Kubrick enjoyed final cut ever since Dr. Strangelove, and Hollywood couldn't stand it, especially when this film's much-hyped orgy sequence became public knowledge. But when Kubrick died before it's release, the troll in the Tinseltown wasted no time in attacking the finished product out of sheer spite for having been free for so long, and inserted digital figures to block the simulated sex scenes in the orgy sequence, while DENYING their decision. But the Beast didn't count on the orgy's sterility alienation of porno-hungry audiences, and the film flopped. Even that wouldn't make WB confess to tampering; but I ask you...if Kubrick WANTED those digital figures in...why does the scene appear untouched and uncensored in the British DVD versions? Inquiring minds know the truth already.
THE MATRIX RELOADED/REVOLUTIONS
Last but not least are the final two installments of the Matrix "trilogy" by the Wachowski Bros. Both are overloaded with repetitive, overlong and PRETENTIOUS speeches about casuality and fate, and none of them have the character chemistry of the first one. "Reloaded" invents new programs for just about everything, while "Revolutions" meshes shiny, but empty action sequences with Christian symbolism and an ending that makes us want to puke, then ask for refunds. Characters are invented and then discarded, the philosophy becomes a hodgepodge of parallel ideologies, the plot holes are covered with endless processions of new programs, and the truly inventive action sequences feel hollow. Not only that, but they don't even LOOK like the first one! Everything's really green and the angles don't look the same. The Wachowski's didn't do any press or interviews for these films, indicating that they couldn'tm in good conscience defend these two ass-lick excuses for sequels and that means Hollywood and it's big nose are responsible. Considering the price tags on the two films...I'm not surprised.
THEY
A horror story ABOUT those shadowy evil things that give us nightmares as children? Now THAT is as fundamental as it gets in the horror genre, and surprisingly original. Unfortunately, the guy who came up with the story never wrote a first draft, and Dimension's attempt to compensate with 10 (count 'em) TEN writers didn't help and resulted in this pure and utter dreck of a ghost-stalker film that makes NO sense whatsoever and isn't even worth the price of a free coupon.
THE ISLAND OF DR. MOREAU
A film adaptation of H.G. Wells most interesting novel? ZOUNDS! A modernization with modern technology? YIMINY! Marlon Brando and John Frankenheimer? MUST SEE IT! And unfortunately we did...and realized that the philosophical issues were replaced with silly interspecies humor, the production values hampered by the budget, the script suffering from obvious tampering, and the final, incontrovertible proof that Brando is literally out of his fucking mind. The resulting catastrophe has RUINED the chances of a better modernization being made any time soon (if ever again), and soured thousands on the source material. *sob*
THE 13TH WARRIOR
Michael Crichton's famous historical hoax of a novel that involved an exiled Arabic scholar uniting with savage Norseman warriors to travel north and do battle with a mysterious and anthropophagiacal evil in the early 900s should have been the second-best fucking story of the 20th century. Unfortunately, the should-have-been epic scale was trimmed down, the timeline condensed, the characters undeveloped, the budget insufficient, the tension nonexistant, and the title changed from "Eaters of the Dead" to the forgettable and cheese-o-ramic title above. John McTiernan's failing talent and Crichton's incurable revisions destroyed what could have been one of the best films ever made.
LAST ACTION HERO
When you think about the REAL example of wasted potential, this infamous 1994 bomb should come to mind. A truly inventive and funny script about a real-world kid and a movie action hero jumping in-and-out of each other's realities should have been THE film fantasy movie of all time. Unfortunately, Hollywood didn't like the idea of having its shallow and pretentious formulas being ridiculed in front of millions of people, and eviscerated the script until it was an unthreatening (and unrecognizable) shape of its former self. The film and its box-office receipts sucked, and showed that Hollywood was willing to take a black eye just to keep our faces in their garbage.
SIGNS
This one you can't entirely blame on Hollywood...but rather the actual writer/director himself. M. Night Shyamalan made the great The Sixth Sense and the even better Unbreakable, but then decided to bring out the more spiritual side of himself in a movie about the divine nature of fate...with ALIENS! Essentially the War of the Worlds retold from the P.O.V. of a farm family, his gift for truly gifted suspense and stellar cast can't save a film that bases all of creation and the meaning of human life and suffering on the placement of water glasses. Outraged discussions ensue.
THEY LIVE
Thank GOD John Carpenter handled this one and saved it from being a complete failure. The second-greatest satire of all time (next to Dr. Strangelove) may be based on a hokey sci-fi story by Ray Nelson, but it's silly premise is absolutely fascinating and definitely original as all hell. Unfortunately, the holes in the plot required that the film be made as B-movie cheese fare, but John Carpenter at least tackles the serious with the serious and the ludicrous with self-mockery. The characters are a very underdevelped and the story wraps itself up to quickly, but you can tell that the meager budget may have been responsible for much of this. That being said, this is the most entertaining Hollywood screw-up ever and features the greatest fight sequence ever filmed in movie history.
EYES WIDE SHUT
Actually, this is a damned good film despite the fact that the supporting cast is better than the main cast, and that it is confusing as shit. The problem doesn't come from the late Stanley Kubrick's brain, but rather from the empty crevice where Hollywood once had one in the form of censorship. Kubrick enjoyed final cut ever since Dr. Strangelove, and Hollywood couldn't stand it, especially when this film's much-hyped orgy sequence became public knowledge. But when Kubrick died before it's release, the troll in the Tinseltown wasted no time in attacking the finished product out of sheer spite for having been free for so long, and inserted digital figures to block the simulated sex scenes in the orgy sequence, while DENYING their decision. But the Beast didn't count on the orgy's sterility alienation of porno-hungry audiences, and the film flopped. Even that wouldn't make WB confess to tampering; but I ask you...if Kubrick WANTED those digital figures in...why does the scene appear untouched and uncensored in the British DVD versions? Inquiring minds know the truth already.
THE MATRIX RELOADED/REVOLUTIONS
Last but not least are the final two installments of the Matrix "trilogy" by the Wachowski Bros. Both are overloaded with repetitive, overlong and PRETENTIOUS speeches about casuality and fate, and none of them have the character chemistry of the first one. "Reloaded" invents new programs for just about everything, while "Revolutions" meshes shiny, but empty action sequences with Christian symbolism and an ending that makes us want to puke, then ask for refunds. Characters are invented and then discarded, the philosophy becomes a hodgepodge of parallel ideologies, the plot holes are covered with endless processions of new programs, and the truly inventive action sequences feel hollow. Not only that, but they don't even LOOK like the first one! Everything's really green and the angles don't look the same. The Wachowski's didn't do any press or interviews for these films, indicating that they couldn'tm in good conscience defend these two ass-lick excuses for sequels and that means Hollywood and it's big nose are responsible. Considering the price tags on the two films...I'm not surprised.
