I want to report a crime.
This morning I looked in the mirror and realized that my spare tire had grown into the whole garage. So I did what I used to do in situations like this. I went jogging.
When I was a scrapping 20 year old, I could jog three miles without breathing hard ... even when I was “out of shape”. Today, I decided to take it easy and jog 1.5 miles. Remember my use of the word “easy”. After about a half mile I started talking like the Rainman, “Jogging sucks,” ... “Judge Wopner is on in half an hour. I’m going to watch Judge Wopner.” ... “No jogging, jogging is bad.” A mile into it I was perspiring everywhere (I swear, even my intestines were sweating). By the end, my heart was pumping fast enough to send a hummingbird in fibrillation. But I made it.
I walked it off (more like wept it off) and headed to the shower. I only turned on the cold water (which, rather abruptly, reinforced my sense of modesty) in order to cool the molten mass formerly know as “my body”. But here’s where it gets ugly. After a long, cold shower I toweled off and I was still sweating. That’s just wrong! I mean, how is that possible?
Then it occurred to me. Somewhere along the way someone stole my semi-healthy 20 year old frame and replaced it with a 37 year old Michelin Man costume. Please help me find the villain. I need my body back.
Thanks in advance for your help.
Cheers,
T
This morning I looked in the mirror and realized that my spare tire had grown into the whole garage. So I did what I used to do in situations like this. I went jogging.
When I was a scrapping 20 year old, I could jog three miles without breathing hard ... even when I was “out of shape”. Today, I decided to take it easy and jog 1.5 miles. Remember my use of the word “easy”. After about a half mile I started talking like the Rainman, “Jogging sucks,” ... “Judge Wopner is on in half an hour. I’m going to watch Judge Wopner.” ... “No jogging, jogging is bad.” A mile into it I was perspiring everywhere (I swear, even my intestines were sweating). By the end, my heart was pumping fast enough to send a hummingbird in fibrillation. But I made it.
I walked it off (more like wept it off) and headed to the shower. I only turned on the cold water (which, rather abruptly, reinforced my sense of modesty) in order to cool the molten mass formerly know as “my body”. But here’s where it gets ugly. After a long, cold shower I toweled off and I was still sweating. That’s just wrong! I mean, how is that possible?
Then it occurred to me. Somewhere along the way someone stole my semi-healthy 20 year old frame and replaced it with a 37 year old Michelin Man costume. Please help me find the villain. I need my body back.
Thanks in advance for your help.
Cheers,
T
