How does one grieve the loss of an abusive spouse? Let's ignore the fact that the way he went out was sort of a crazy last "Fuck You", the sheer horror of it all that he left behind in his wake torments me. I loved the man but equally I hated him. I'm not a person given to hate easily at all. I genuinely love everyone, but during this grieving process I find myself very angry yet strangely very relieved. I won't have to worry about being shut away from the world anymore, or getting hit, or any of the things that came with my marriage and it brings about a great relief to me. He was still a person, and even the worst person ever would not have deserved the death he had. I struggle with the waves of "I should have.." or "If I'd only..." even though I know deep down there was nothing else I could do. I have had to accept the fact that my health is waning and work with what I have left, even if it meant facilitating his end.
The grieving process I seem to be undergoing is not the same one that I've always read about in Psych classes. For starters I seem to be fast tracking the whole thing by doing all the stages at once. It doesn't feel real, but I'm pissed that it is real. I'm sad that he's gone, but accepted it for what it is.
There is blessing in it all, however. I woke up this morning, and I'm content with that. Every day will be a new day for squidlett and me.
The grieving process I seem to be undergoing is not the same one that I've always read about in Psych classes. For starters I seem to be fast tracking the whole thing by doing all the stages at once. It doesn't feel real, but I'm pissed that it is real. I'm sad that he's gone, but accepted it for what it is.
There is blessing in it all, however. I woke up this morning, and I'm content with that. Every day will be a new day for squidlett and me.
