As some of you have noticed (and have sometimes screamed at me in CAPS-locked fury), I suffer from a failing common to many aspiring writers: I can be something of a bombastic prick, with a hilariously inflated sense of my own importance. But rather than be filled with shame or impotent rage at this cruel design of fate, as some would have me do, I have decided to embrace who I am and love myself for it. So, even though all these threads remain open and perfectly accessible elsewhere on the forum, I've decided to also post some of my old movie reviews and other scribblings here, where they can more easily be accessed and enjoyed by my legions of adoring fans.
I accept, in advance, your heartfelt thanks for this.
And now without further ado, my first re-gift to the world: my old review of Twilight: New Moon.
---
Some Thoughts on that New Twilight Flick, Nov 24, 2009
So, I actually went to see this today.
A few thoughts crossed my mind as I was watching...
10 minutes in: "They keep making references to Bella's 18th birthday, and about how 'old' she is now. Are they actually trying to play up the fact that in the first movie, she was still legally underage and Edward Cullen really ought to be in jail? Or are the 'cougar' references supposed to distract us all from the fact that even though it's technically not creepy for guys to masturbate to her now, the age difference is still more than 80 years...that's like dating Sean Connery's father. Ewww."
20 minutes in: "Holy shit, did Edward Cullen just jizz in his pants? Yes, he's awkwardly stepping away with an pained expression on his face. I recognize that look. He totally jizzed in his pants."
30 minutes in: "Okay, I get it. This movie is a metaphor for all the self-destructive things girls do after a bad breakup. I'm sure the moral here will eventually be about how moving on is crucial and if something's not meant to be, it's not meant to be."
40 minutes in: "Did every girl in the theatre just squeal when that native kid took off his shirt? Jesus Christ, ladies, get a grip. Although he could definitely take that little bitch Edward."
An hour in: "Okay, so somehow Edward knows what she's doing, even though he's not there...so does he know that there are other vampires trying to kill Bella right now? Cause he appears in the field with one right there, so he must know what's happening...so why doesn't he, like, come back and try to protect her or something? What a puss."
After I stopped counting: "Okay, so this movie is a metaphor for what happens when a girl has to choose between two guys, one of whom is gruff and manly and there for her and capable of looking after her, but who is prone to fits of violent rage and will always love his buddies more than her. Or there's the other who's a whiny, effeminate little pussy who isn't thoughtful enough to stop vampires from coming to kill you. What the hell kind of choice is that? How about you try looking for a guy who isn't a goddamn monster, you silly bitch!"
"Hey, it's that dude from Underworld."
"Jesus, is Edward the lamest hero in history or what? Not only does he not even show up when Bella needs him, but he's not even capable of stopping anyone from hurting her when he tries...and eventually she has to rescue him, twice, first because he's also a suicidal whiny little pussy, and then because he's getting his ass kicked by the real vampires so bad she eventually just says 'Okay, kill me instead, just stop hurting him!' What a PUSSSSSSS!!!"
"Okay, so Bella is begging to be tied down for eternity, and have her soul ripped from her body, and become part of something so terrible that it makes you openly fantasize about suicide...is this movie really a metaphor about marriage?"
"So big reveal here at the ending: Edward is totally going to bite her, which will mean that they'll be together forever, through all eternity, but he has one condition...that she marry him? That's it? If you're talking about literally removing someone from the human species and granting them immortal life, to be lived with you, forever, isn't that a few steps beyond 'Will you marry me?' I'm surprised Bella didn't walk up and smack him on the head and say 'That's your big condition? I just risked fucking death for you, and I've been begging you to make me a vampire for months now, and all this time you were hung up because we weren't married? What are you, a fucking Mormon?' And now the movie is over. Oh, the suspense is killing me. How can I wait another year to find out whether there's gonna be a vampire wedding or not. Fuck sakes."
"I hope Stephanie Meyers gets a sex change. So I can kick her in the balls."
I accept, in advance, your heartfelt thanks for this.
And now without further ado, my first re-gift to the world: my old review of Twilight: New Moon.
---
Some Thoughts on that New Twilight Flick, Nov 24, 2009
So, I actually went to see this today.
A few thoughts crossed my mind as I was watching...10 minutes in: "They keep making references to Bella's 18th birthday, and about how 'old' she is now. Are they actually trying to play up the fact that in the first movie, she was still legally underage and Edward Cullen really ought to be in jail? Or are the 'cougar' references supposed to distract us all from the fact that even though it's technically not creepy for guys to masturbate to her now, the age difference is still more than 80 years...that's like dating Sean Connery's father. Ewww."
20 minutes in: "Holy shit, did Edward Cullen just jizz in his pants? Yes, he's awkwardly stepping away with an pained expression on his face. I recognize that look. He totally jizzed in his pants."
30 minutes in: "Okay, I get it. This movie is a metaphor for all the self-destructive things girls do after a bad breakup. I'm sure the moral here will eventually be about how moving on is crucial and if something's not meant to be, it's not meant to be."
40 minutes in: "Did every girl in the theatre just squeal when that native kid took off his shirt? Jesus Christ, ladies, get a grip. Although he could definitely take that little bitch Edward."
An hour in: "Okay, so somehow Edward knows what she's doing, even though he's not there...so does he know that there are other vampires trying to kill Bella right now? Cause he appears in the field with one right there, so he must know what's happening...so why doesn't he, like, come back and try to protect her or something? What a puss."
After I stopped counting: "Okay, so this movie is a metaphor for what happens when a girl has to choose between two guys, one of whom is gruff and manly and there for her and capable of looking after her, but who is prone to fits of violent rage and will always love his buddies more than her. Or there's the other who's a whiny, effeminate little pussy who isn't thoughtful enough to stop vampires from coming to kill you. What the hell kind of choice is that? How about you try looking for a guy who isn't a goddamn monster, you silly bitch!"
"Hey, it's that dude from Underworld."
"Jesus, is Edward the lamest hero in history or what? Not only does he not even show up when Bella needs him, but he's not even capable of stopping anyone from hurting her when he tries...and eventually she has to rescue him, twice, first because he's also a suicidal whiny little pussy, and then because he's getting his ass kicked by the real vampires so bad she eventually just says 'Okay, kill me instead, just stop hurting him!' What a PUSSSSSSS!!!"
"Okay, so Bella is begging to be tied down for eternity, and have her soul ripped from her body, and become part of something so terrible that it makes you openly fantasize about suicide...is this movie really a metaphor about marriage?"
"So big reveal here at the ending: Edward is totally going to bite her, which will mean that they'll be together forever, through all eternity, but he has one condition...that she marry him? That's it? If you're talking about literally removing someone from the human species and granting them immortal life, to be lived with you, forever, isn't that a few steps beyond 'Will you marry me?' I'm surprised Bella didn't walk up and smack him on the head and say 'That's your big condition? I just risked fucking death for you, and I've been begging you to make me a vampire for months now, and all this time you were hung up because we weren't married? What are you, a fucking Mormon?' And now the movie is over. Oh, the suspense is killing me. How can I wait another year to find out whether there's gonna be a vampire wedding or not. Fuck sakes."
"I hope Stephanie Meyers gets a sex change. So I can kick her in the balls."
