Balance

Tonight I have some thoughts on balance that I'd like to share. The word balance,and more importantly, the meaning and significance behind it will one day be the inspiration for a future tattoo. I have an idea for another tattoo that I'd like to get, and will get once I'm not piss fuck poor, but will leave that for another time. 😛

As far back as I can remember,I've never had an issue with pursuing a new job. Any time I've had an interview,I walked into it it with absolute,fuckin' bulletproof confidence,no questions asked. I entered them with the mindset that I owned that fuckin' place and was already hired. It wasn't a cocky demeanor by any means just very,very confident and it usually worked out for the best.Today I had the first in person job interview I've had in years and bombed it.I mean just completely crash and burn,it was a disaster...WTF?...lol.

The worst part is that it was a job that I new through and through and would easily excel at. As I was speaking to the interviewer,all I could think is..... 'Wow'. It blew my fuckin' mind. Even now I'm having a hard time putting it to words,it's difficult to articulate.I don't use this an excuse,or a crutch and can't even remember the last time I spoke the word but depression,true depression is such a crippling disorder. I'm not talking a bad day or a bad month or two but more when it becomes your life. It ''takes away'' or it ''buries'' you, or who you thought you were or wanted to be and it eventually beomes your identity. It is who you are. It is you.

I think back to a thread in the GD forum,I believe it was Steph that said when regarding depression,something along the lines like, 'it probably took you a long time to get where you are and will take a long time to get out.' That's so true, I knew it then and still know it now. For me, I didn't find balance soon enough and things went way fuckin' wrong. It's that simple I guess.

Getting back to the balance part, over the last two plus years,last five years actually, I've gone to all kinds of PT,accupuncture,myofascial specialists and learned a lot about the body's energy. To most people this talk would sound crazy but there is a lot of truth to it. From a physical aspect, injuries can store,bind,capture, however you want to put it,a great deal of energy. Our energy supply is not limitless or inexhaustable and any bound energy is being taken away from something else causing an imbalance. Whether it be mental or emotional, certain aspects of yourself suffer because of the mind\body imbalance.

That mind\body imbalance can also work the other way and the longer it's left, the more it spirals. I feel like I'm ramblin' now but I feel horrible and had to vent a little.Like I said, there is a lot of truth to the philosophies behind the body's balance. Most people can't think deeply enough or haven't been low enough to grasp these thoughts and ideas.They should be very fuckin' thankful in some ways.That's all I got for tonight.Before I started writing this post,I had just gotten back from a two hour walk.Physically fuckin' exhausted. I came home and ate a bunch of absolute garbage,felt like I earned it. Now I feel guilty for eating the bullshit and want ot walk if off.It's 2 AM and physically shot but my mind is restless...WTF?....Out of balance.....