bullshit i wrote last night....

It's Friday night. And it's a gorgeous spring evening, the first perfect evening of the year..........walking on the street today was hard.....today in the subway I saw a girl that looked like she stepped off the cover of a magazine, or out of a movie......almost definitely was a model....and dressed killer killer killer..........legs that went on forever.......backless, flimsy top, her sides were exposed and under her arms, all exposed....gorgeous olive skin......sleek barely-there sandals......long straight dark hair........big dark eyes....so unbelievably pretty I didn't know whether to cry, empty my pockets or collapse from self-hate.......I just turned my head, and she was sitting right there, legs crossed, reading......

.....can you believe it, I actually walked all the way to the very very end of the tunnel, just to not have to be anywhere near her....the only kind of beauty in the world I shouldn't look at......sunsets, deer in the road, stars at night, all ok.......but her? As soon as I turned my head her way, totally by accident, her periphery detected it and she tensed up, just the slightest nuance but I could see it. Walk away, walk away.....cut her a break, even though you're dying to, even though every single thing she was wearing was calculated to attract, let it go, let her go, let her be.......and so I did...............but the way I feel, eating at me, unfulfilled.......like I sacrificed everything I wanted, just to be merciful.

It's seven hours later and I'm almost over it.