I'm writing this out on my phone because I really don't have another option lol. My darling and I are on our flight home from TKLV as I am typing this out in the dark. It's a late flight that won't have us home until midnight, but it was worth it to spend just a few more hours around people I cherish.
I feel content and tired. Quiet joy swirls in my stomach like warm honey and black tea. With every tickle experience whether it be online, or the precious few I've had in person, I learn a little more about myself.
This weekend I learned to be brave...at least a little more. I've always been headstrong and impulsive, especially when it comes to the things that light my heart on fire. That being said, something about putting myself out there and initiating, whether it be a simple cup of coffee or asking someone to break me with sadistic tickles, causes that fire to extinguish within me.
I love the community and the people within it from the bottom of my heart. Being among the tickle crowd is surreal. There is no other time I feel more genuinely me, surrounded by people who share something that I hold intimately dear.
I wish I was the kind of person that could mingle effortlessly. It would be so much easier if I could enter a party and have the right words to make socializing flow with ease. Instead I find myself frozen. Every potential word locked behind my leadened tongue as opportunities melt through my fingers. It chills me until I shiver. In a room where no one is looking, it is so easy to feel like all eyes are on me, watching intently as I force words through my teeth. It's terrifying to think my words or my presence might cause others discomfort or annoyance. Choked by that fear, it is so easy to fade into the background, never saying a word.
Anxiety is a poison that taints one's perceptions and self worth. I have worked endlessly to fight it, to let the staccato of my heart quiet to the back of my mind as I jump in without fear. But that takes time and work.
I am proud of how I did this weekend. I made new friends. Their warm smiles and amiable conversation soothed my nerves like a balm. As scary as putting myself out there has been, every person I have met has been so warm and understanding. With them I felt safe to start conversation, to nerd about literature, lingerie, and tea (and tickles of course) until my larynx ached with the effort. Surprisingly, I even worked up the gumption to ask people to play with me. I was fortunate to spend the last few days laughing, smiling, and with a few dear attendees screaming for mercy. It was everything I needed.
This weekend wasn't always easy, but it was certainly one to remember. Yes, I felt worry and fear, but bravery doesn't mean the absence of anxiety. It's the willpower to stand firm and reach for the life you want in spite of it all.
I've been far too absent from the one's I love these last few months both online and in person. The pressures of life have weighed on my chest like stone. Rather than seek my healing, I chose to grit my teeth and ask for more weight as work and stress cracked my ribcage, leaking red on the ground beneath me.
I want to be more involved. To find those pockets of intimacy amid the craziness of everyday life. It won't be easy, but the things I want most ardently never are.
I feel content and tired. Quiet joy swirls in my stomach like warm honey and black tea. With every tickle experience whether it be online, or the precious few I've had in person, I learn a little more about myself.
This weekend I learned to be brave...at least a little more. I've always been headstrong and impulsive, especially when it comes to the things that light my heart on fire. That being said, something about putting myself out there and initiating, whether it be a simple cup of coffee or asking someone to break me with sadistic tickles, causes that fire to extinguish within me.
I love the community and the people within it from the bottom of my heart. Being among the tickle crowd is surreal. There is no other time I feel more genuinely me, surrounded by people who share something that I hold intimately dear.
I wish I was the kind of person that could mingle effortlessly. It would be so much easier if I could enter a party and have the right words to make socializing flow with ease. Instead I find myself frozen. Every potential word locked behind my leadened tongue as opportunities melt through my fingers. It chills me until I shiver. In a room where no one is looking, it is so easy to feel like all eyes are on me, watching intently as I force words through my teeth. It's terrifying to think my words or my presence might cause others discomfort or annoyance. Choked by that fear, it is so easy to fade into the background, never saying a word.
Anxiety is a poison that taints one's perceptions and self worth. I have worked endlessly to fight it, to let the staccato of my heart quiet to the back of my mind as I jump in without fear. But that takes time and work.
I am proud of how I did this weekend. I made new friends. Their warm smiles and amiable conversation soothed my nerves like a balm. As scary as putting myself out there has been, every person I have met has been so warm and understanding. With them I felt safe to start conversation, to nerd about literature, lingerie, and tea (and tickles of course) until my larynx ached with the effort. Surprisingly, I even worked up the gumption to ask people to play with me. I was fortunate to spend the last few days laughing, smiling, and with a few dear attendees screaming for mercy. It was everything I needed.
This weekend wasn't always easy, but it was certainly one to remember. Yes, I felt worry and fear, but bravery doesn't mean the absence of anxiety. It's the willpower to stand firm and reach for the life you want in spite of it all.
I've been far too absent from the one's I love these last few months both online and in person. The pressures of life have weighed on my chest like stone. Rather than seek my healing, I chose to grit my teeth and ask for more weight as work and stress cracked my ribcage, leaking red on the ground beneath me.
I want to be more involved. To find those pockets of intimacy amid the craziness of everyday life. It won't be easy, but the things I want most ardently never are.
