After election night, reports surfaced that Republican vice-presidential candidate Sarah Palin had wanted to give her own concession speech but was rebuffed by her running mate, Sen. John McCain. Here is the speech Palin wanted to deliver, printed in its entirety:Oh, jeez. Thank you. Jeez. Thank you. Jeez. Thank you. Thank you. Jeez.
My fellow Americans. I have three important words to say to you tonight:
Not. My. Fault.
Seriously; Look at Wilford Brimley over there. We never had a chance. He couldn't have won this election if I were Megan Fox in a bikini made of old National Reviews.
Oh, don't worry. That old moose can't hear a damn thing over there. Look at him smiling. Hey, maverick: Nice work on the economy! See? He can't hear.
But hear me tonight, America. You haven't seen the last of me. I may have been part of the losing team tonight, but like Jean-Claude Van Damme said in my favorite movie, Kindergarten Cop, I'll be back.
And next time, I'm doing it my way. No talking points. No sit-downs with Katie Couric - who watches the CBS Evening News, anyway? Katie, I still haven't gotten your thank-you note for saving your job.
I'm not dragging my family around with me again, either. Look at poor Todd. The hunky bastard hasn't tasted elk shit or greased a snowmobile chain in four months. My kids are angry, pregnant or both. Trig's been passed around onstage more than a Koran at an elite Washington media party.
But I'm coming back, America, because I care. I want our children to grow up knowing America is a place where they can own a semiautomatic and not Catcher in the Rye. I hate that Jesus gets less love in our schools than a stegosaurus. I care that on any given day, my neighbors in Russia (hi!) are planning a radical-Islamic takeover of our country with PETA and Planned Parenthood. Bet you didn't read about that in any newspaper, Couric.
So see you soon. I've got your love, your attention, and a pile of pantsuits from Saks Fifth Avenue.
God bless America. Everyone except Bill Ayers and Olbermann.
Ok, your stage, old guy. No more hugs. I'm cutting you off.
