This appears to be my first entry of the new year and a year which I welcome with open arms. It's almost surreal to hear 2012 as the present year because of the superstition that surrounds it.Whatever,I for one think it has cool ring to it.2012,the year of the dragon in Chinese astrology.
The year 2011 closed with me beginning a series of courses in computer training,a whole new world of information and learning to me.Many times in writing,and sometimes but less often in everyday conversation,I use over the top phrases to describe my mindest and approach to things.In one of my previous entries I said something all the lines of ''I want to leave these obstacles left behind and obliterated'' when describing my approach to these courses.I passed my first course certification test today and only missed one question.I'd consider that obliterated.Those phrases and mindsets come from all the years of dedicated, hard physical training.All those years of being up at 4AM,a few hours before a 12 hour work day required a certain focus.Self motivation and an intense drive is needed to snatch a quarter ton off the ground before sunrise.Even though those are now days of the past,the mentality still lingers which is alright with me. 🙂 For all of my faults,when it comes to me completing a task you can pretty much bet your paycheck it will get done with an exclamation point.
After I took the test,the instructor was impressed and he recommended that I take part in a workshop two and a half weeks from now.I'm like ''sure, what's it on?'' He then hands me some material and begins explaining some of the details.After a few moments I'm like,''really?'' Over the course of two days there will four seperate tests each on a different area of various computer things.Before each exam there will be a 2 hour ''refresher'' class so apparently a background in this stuff would be beneficial.Alright,I'm your huckleberry.So I need to try and learn what is probably months worth of material in 17 days,let me see what I can do.Even passing just one would be great but nailing all four would something.That would be a serious statement and could potentially create some seriously positive momentum.I'll try.
So I'm walking home after the test and when I get here I bump into the landlord.He's like,''Did you hear anything strange last night?'' And I'm like,''No.Why?'' He's like,''Because someone stole the dryer.'' I'm like,''What!?'' He's like, ''Someone stole the dryer out of the basement.'' And I'm like,''Yeah?'' He's like,''Yeah''. Then I'm like,''Damn''.And he's like,''Yeah''.And at that point I'm like,''No,I didn't hear anything.'' Does it surprise me,not really. These fools better not try fuckin' around with my apartment. I'm not even playin'. Whatever,they can break in here if they want.All I ask is please,do it when I'm here.The eye contact alone would be worth it.They'd see anger nor rage,all they would see is the blackhole that has consumed most of me, and may their god help them if they see that and don't run like hell.Fuck around,this place would look like a scene in a horror movie.There's some evil shit for you.
I'm just glad my clothes weren't in there because then I'd be sour.
I just made myself another cup of this fantastic tea and can't praise it enough.It helps me sleep,it mellows me out, it's great.Starting with this entry I'm going to begin to add dimensions to the posts.Even if it's just a photo or something along those lines.Here's a cool pic I took several weeks ago,with a few a adjustments of course 🙂 ,
View attachment 285154
That spot is one of my favorites to visit and has been for many years. Another thing this blog will hopefully help me with is completing,or starting actually, the sketch for my tattoo. I've decided that I'm going to design the next piece of my tattoo which is going to be a challenge,but,it can be done.When I was young I enjoyed drawing very much and was pretty good at it but drifted away from it as I grew older.I actually used to sketch tickling scenes at a young age,that's funny now looking back.Fuckin' freakshow.....
It just took me forever to find that emoticon. Anyway,last year around this time I drew for the first time in probably decades.For like a month or so I drew some things just out of boredom.This was the last pic I drew,
View attachment 285155
It's not perfect and I followed a step by step procedure but it shows the potential for me create my own design.There's no reason I can't use my imagination and with a little effort draw my own tattoo.It's just a matter of ''being there'',being anywhere.Every time I post,which isn't necessarily on a regular basis,I'm going to post an updated effort or different drawing.Here's what I got so far,
View attachment 285156
What do you think?Do you think if I took that to my ink dude he could make it happen?....LOL....All great works have to start somewhere right? We'll see what happens.....Nice,E Town on the playlist,old school.....
Over the past several weeks I've been flooded with scattered,fragmented thoughts and went back and forth about whether or not to write about them and get into it all.So many of my thoughts just fade away into nothing.This is going to require another cup of tea,indeed.
With the ambient sound of Narsilion it begins.The seventh of this month marked three years since I jacked my neck and that night proved to be the catalyst for absolute chaos.It's been a period of tremendous change and even sitting here I see life through a fog.In trying to realign my sense of things I'm seeing the magnitude of how long I've been out of balance.When I say I'm ''seeing'',I use the term loosely because I'm blind too and unaware of ''where I am''.
''Never underestimate your opponent'',that's good advice and would be wise to follow it.I didn't.I slept on the adversary within me and the result was catastrophic.Realignment,centering,however you wish call it,requires much peeling away,chiseling at and breaking down of the mind and it's thoughts and memories.The process demands brutal honesty and the willingness to ask the right questions to which the answers might not be immediately present.For me it took a while,and still is,but after many twists and turns,dead ends,misleads,the bulk of roads lead to one thing,depression.It's twisted my mind in so many knots and wreaked havoc to such an extent that either it in itself or my mind won't allow me to see it.
''The Perfect Storm'', starring George Clooney and Mark Wahlberg,great movie and one of my favs.A couple weeks ago I watched this movie for the first time in a long time and I look at it a little differently now.I use the phrase ''pefrect storm'' on occassion and can recall using it in an earlier blog entry,I don't remember when.I used it in reference to the timing of that night on that seventh of January three years ago.Looking at it objectively,there is a certain beauty and art to the way that went down and the precise timing of it all,the perfect storm of events that was years in the making.After watching that movie a couple weeks ago I have a different take on it,one that I feel is more fitting.
Now I see it not as the events as the perfect storm but rather the result as such.Maybe the events caused the perfect storm within me.There's a line in the movie that goes as follows,''She's not going to let us out''.Personally,whether I knew it or not at the time,I was hanging by a thread for years and then when that all went down it blew me over the edge and into another dimension.The disorder doesn't want to let you out and I'm in deep now.In retracing the many steps in my mind I came to the conclusion that I was ''in deep'' a decade or more ago.So that raised the question ,if I was in deep then,where the fuck does that put me now? So yeah,from here on out I'll see that movie in a whole new light. 🙂
I was going to get into the cycles it puts you through and how it affects your thinking,perception and intrepretation but there's no reason to get into all of that.I'm sure the web is bursting at the seams with such information but there is just a couple more things that I remember I wanted to write about regarding this subject.About a week ago I had one of the most visceral experiences that I can recall for quite some time.It was the past,present,and future all in one clean sweep.I don't if it was a thought or a ''feeling'' but it packed a serious punch.It was at least an acknowledgement of a time when I felt better,happier in life and that represented the past.It then became apparent of how long ago that was and that realization made that present moment,vividly dark.That unfiltered look at life offered a brief glimpse of the destruction this has caused and the pain that lies ahead.And then the future if l can't kill this thing,more destruction,more wasted life, and is there a point of no return? Yes.
The time will come when it's taken so many years of your life and caused such ruin that the totality of it's destruction can't be comprehended which leaves two options.Those options are probably staying in the uncomfortably numb hell that has become your life or death.I just finished a book entitled ''Mind Matters'' which covered a variety of interesting topics,depression included.It stated that most suicides from depression occur when the person is getting ''better''. If I had read that prior to that moment a week ago I may not have understood what he meant,it wouldn't have made sense.Even with an explanation I wouldn't have been able to truly grasp the perception of it all,if that makes sense.But I see it clearly,you can almost say I feel it.
One last thing on this subject then I'll turn the channel before I close this post.There was a quote from that book that caught my attention as this is it,
''In depression,the felt state is so bleak that the interpreter's most likely response is to devalue all surrounding people,things,and events.When everything seem's worthless,the felt state of depression follows naturally.If the depression is not treated,this view of the world becomes welded into the mind,and the hope for effective treatment diminishes.''
What struck me about this was that in a book filled with medical and scientific terminolgy,he used the word ''welded''. I welded for years,and was pretty good at it too 🙂,and when I think of weld, I think permanent.In most cases and when done correctly,the pieces you're joining will break far before the weld will.I just found it interesting that he worded it in that way.
With all of that said,there's a reality in there that I want to avoid and would rather not further create.I'll continue to work on it.These entries give me an opportunity to see what I'm projecting,how my thoughts shift so radically and in turn what adjustments to make.It'll be good to focus on these tests that I have in a couple weeks.I want all four of them. 😉 There was some more stuff I wanted to write about but I feel like shit.....LOL...I don't feel good and I'm about to go chill and watch ''Gone in 60 Seconds''.Can I find an analogy for this movie too? How about my mind is gone in 60 seconds......Oh shit I got one....LOL....A mother fucker broke into the basement,stole the dryer and was gone in 60 seconds.I really gotta find a new place to live.
And a variety to close with.....
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This music here is from an album that I bought probably 5 years ago,listened to it once and at the time wasn't feeling it.I have a few albums like that and I'm sure many great songs will eventually present themselves.The 11 Dreams album by Mercenary sat in my closet for years unlistened to and when I finally gave it a chance it turned out to be the best album I've ever heard and a band that had a tremendous influence on my life.Things sometimes wait to present themselves until the right time I guess.
Anyway,back to the topic.This band is fronted by the original lead singer for Killswitch,that being Jesse Leach,one of my favorite vocalists ever.He's one of the best at hitting all the ranges,clean vocals,low growls,high screams,it's all fantastic.This project is actually more of a rock style band as opposed to the heavier stuff he's known for.I just started listening to it yesterday and I'm diggin' it.I'm feelin' it son.....
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Now that I've mentioned his early work on Killswitch,I'm needing to get my old school KSE fix.He was last in the band for their groundbreaking 2002 ''Alive or Just Breathing'' album.This album is grossly underrated in music history and had a tremendous part in the modern day metal movement,especially in the U.S. There is room for debate, although not much about the fact that this album sparked the entire modern day ''metalcore'' genre.I'll be the first to admit,most of the bands in this cateogry now are generic,unoriginal and flat out unappealing.It's true,except for a few select groups in my opinion.At it's time,this album changed peoples perceptions about incorporating clean vocals with it's aggressive cousin.This album was described as "more addictive than crack cocaine that's been smothered in nicotine AND drenched with chocolate." Oh yeah. I don't have an official list of favorite albums of all time but if I did,this incredible work would be damn near the top....
<object width="420" height="315"><param name="movie" value="http://www.youtube-nocookie.com/v/FHBSqLWgJPw?version=3&hl=en_US&rel=0"></param><param name="allowFullScreen" value="true"></param><param name="allowscriptaccess" value="always"></param><embed src="http://www.youtube-nocookie.com/v/FHBSqLWgJPw?version=3&hl=en_US&rel=0" type="application/x-shockwave-flash" width="420" height="315" allowscriptaccess="always" allowfullscreen="true"></embed></object>
The year 2011 closed with me beginning a series of courses in computer training,a whole new world of information and learning to me.Many times in writing,and sometimes but less often in everyday conversation,I use over the top phrases to describe my mindest and approach to things.In one of my previous entries I said something all the lines of ''I want to leave these obstacles left behind and obliterated'' when describing my approach to these courses.I passed my first course certification test today and only missed one question.I'd consider that obliterated.Those phrases and mindsets come from all the years of dedicated, hard physical training.All those years of being up at 4AM,a few hours before a 12 hour work day required a certain focus.Self motivation and an intense drive is needed to snatch a quarter ton off the ground before sunrise.Even though those are now days of the past,the mentality still lingers which is alright with me. 🙂 For all of my faults,when it comes to me completing a task you can pretty much bet your paycheck it will get done with an exclamation point.
After I took the test,the instructor was impressed and he recommended that I take part in a workshop two and a half weeks from now.I'm like ''sure, what's it on?'' He then hands me some material and begins explaining some of the details.After a few moments I'm like,''really?'' Over the course of two days there will four seperate tests each on a different area of various computer things.Before each exam there will be a 2 hour ''refresher'' class so apparently a background in this stuff would be beneficial.Alright,I'm your huckleberry.So I need to try and learn what is probably months worth of material in 17 days,let me see what I can do.Even passing just one would be great but nailing all four would something.That would be a serious statement and could potentially create some seriously positive momentum.I'll try.
So I'm walking home after the test and when I get here I bump into the landlord.He's like,''Did you hear anything strange last night?'' And I'm like,''No.Why?'' He's like,''Because someone stole the dryer.'' I'm like,''What!?'' He's like, ''Someone stole the dryer out of the basement.'' And I'm like,''Yeah?'' He's like,''Yeah''. Then I'm like,''Damn''.And he's like,''Yeah''.And at that point I'm like,''No,I didn't hear anything.'' Does it surprise me,not really. These fools better not try fuckin' around with my apartment. I'm not even playin'. Whatever,they can break in here if they want.All I ask is please,do it when I'm here.The eye contact alone would be worth it.They'd see anger nor rage,all they would see is the blackhole that has consumed most of me, and may their god help them if they see that and don't run like hell.Fuck around,this place would look like a scene in a horror movie.There's some evil shit for you.
I'm just glad my clothes weren't in there because then I'd be sour.I just made myself another cup of this fantastic tea and can't praise it enough.It helps me sleep,it mellows me out, it's great.Starting with this entry I'm going to begin to add dimensions to the posts.Even if it's just a photo or something along those lines.Here's a cool pic I took several weeks ago,with a few a adjustments of course 🙂 ,
View attachment 285154
That spot is one of my favorites to visit and has been for many years. Another thing this blog will hopefully help me with is completing,or starting actually, the sketch for my tattoo. I've decided that I'm going to design the next piece of my tattoo which is going to be a challenge,but,it can be done.When I was young I enjoyed drawing very much and was pretty good at it but drifted away from it as I grew older.I actually used to sketch tickling scenes at a young age,that's funny now looking back.Fuckin' freakshow.....
It just took me forever to find that emoticon. Anyway,last year around this time I drew for the first time in probably decades.For like a month or so I drew some things just out of boredom.This was the last pic I drew,View attachment 285155
It's not perfect and I followed a step by step procedure but it shows the potential for me create my own design.There's no reason I can't use my imagination and with a little effort draw my own tattoo.It's just a matter of ''being there'',being anywhere.Every time I post,which isn't necessarily on a regular basis,I'm going to post an updated effort or different drawing.Here's what I got so far,
View attachment 285156
What do you think?Do you think if I took that to my ink dude he could make it happen?....LOL....All great works have to start somewhere right? We'll see what happens.....Nice,E Town on the playlist,old school.....
Over the past several weeks I've been flooded with scattered,fragmented thoughts and went back and forth about whether or not to write about them and get into it all.So many of my thoughts just fade away into nothing.This is going to require another cup of tea,indeed.
With the ambient sound of Narsilion it begins.The seventh of this month marked three years since I jacked my neck and that night proved to be the catalyst for absolute chaos.It's been a period of tremendous change and even sitting here I see life through a fog.In trying to realign my sense of things I'm seeing the magnitude of how long I've been out of balance.When I say I'm ''seeing'',I use the term loosely because I'm blind too and unaware of ''where I am''.
''Never underestimate your opponent'',that's good advice and would be wise to follow it.I didn't.I slept on the adversary within me and the result was catastrophic.Realignment,centering,however you wish call it,requires much peeling away,chiseling at and breaking down of the mind and it's thoughts and memories.The process demands brutal honesty and the willingness to ask the right questions to which the answers might not be immediately present.For me it took a while,and still is,but after many twists and turns,dead ends,misleads,the bulk of roads lead to one thing,depression.It's twisted my mind in so many knots and wreaked havoc to such an extent that either it in itself or my mind won't allow me to see it.
''The Perfect Storm'', starring George Clooney and Mark Wahlberg,great movie and one of my favs.A couple weeks ago I watched this movie for the first time in a long time and I look at it a little differently now.I use the phrase ''pefrect storm'' on occassion and can recall using it in an earlier blog entry,I don't remember when.I used it in reference to the timing of that night on that seventh of January three years ago.Looking at it objectively,there is a certain beauty and art to the way that went down and the precise timing of it all,the perfect storm of events that was years in the making.After watching that movie a couple weeks ago I have a different take on it,one that I feel is more fitting.
Now I see it not as the events as the perfect storm but rather the result as such.Maybe the events caused the perfect storm within me.There's a line in the movie that goes as follows,''She's not going to let us out''.Personally,whether I knew it or not at the time,I was hanging by a thread for years and then when that all went down it blew me over the edge and into another dimension.The disorder doesn't want to let you out and I'm in deep now.In retracing the many steps in my mind I came to the conclusion that I was ''in deep'' a decade or more ago.So that raised the question ,if I was in deep then,where the fuck does that put me now? So yeah,from here on out I'll see that movie in a whole new light. 🙂
I was going to get into the cycles it puts you through and how it affects your thinking,perception and intrepretation but there's no reason to get into all of that.I'm sure the web is bursting at the seams with such information but there is just a couple more things that I remember I wanted to write about regarding this subject.About a week ago I had one of the most visceral experiences that I can recall for quite some time.It was the past,present,and future all in one clean sweep.I don't if it was a thought or a ''feeling'' but it packed a serious punch.It was at least an acknowledgement of a time when I felt better,happier in life and that represented the past.It then became apparent of how long ago that was and that realization made that present moment,vividly dark.That unfiltered look at life offered a brief glimpse of the destruction this has caused and the pain that lies ahead.And then the future if l can't kill this thing,more destruction,more wasted life, and is there a point of no return? Yes.
The time will come when it's taken so many years of your life and caused such ruin that the totality of it's destruction can't be comprehended which leaves two options.Those options are probably staying in the uncomfortably numb hell that has become your life or death.I just finished a book entitled ''Mind Matters'' which covered a variety of interesting topics,depression included.It stated that most suicides from depression occur when the person is getting ''better''. If I had read that prior to that moment a week ago I may not have understood what he meant,it wouldn't have made sense.Even with an explanation I wouldn't have been able to truly grasp the perception of it all,if that makes sense.But I see it clearly,you can almost say I feel it.
One last thing on this subject then I'll turn the channel before I close this post.There was a quote from that book that caught my attention as this is it,
''In depression,the felt state is so bleak that the interpreter's most likely response is to devalue all surrounding people,things,and events.When everything seem's worthless,the felt state of depression follows naturally.If the depression is not treated,this view of the world becomes welded into the mind,and the hope for effective treatment diminishes.''
What struck me about this was that in a book filled with medical and scientific terminolgy,he used the word ''welded''. I welded for years,and was pretty good at it too 🙂,and when I think of weld, I think permanent.In most cases and when done correctly,the pieces you're joining will break far before the weld will.I just found it interesting that he worded it in that way.
With all of that said,there's a reality in there that I want to avoid and would rather not further create.I'll continue to work on it.These entries give me an opportunity to see what I'm projecting,how my thoughts shift so radically and in turn what adjustments to make.It'll be good to focus on these tests that I have in a couple weeks.I want all four of them. 😉 There was some more stuff I wanted to write about but I feel like shit.....LOL...I don't feel good and I'm about to go chill and watch ''Gone in 60 Seconds''.Can I find an analogy for this movie too? How about my mind is gone in 60 seconds......Oh shit I got one....LOL....A mother fucker broke into the basement,stole the dryer and was gone in 60 seconds.I really gotta find a new place to live.
And a variety to close with.....
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This music here is from an album that I bought probably 5 years ago,listened to it once and at the time wasn't feeling it.I have a few albums like that and I'm sure many great songs will eventually present themselves.The 11 Dreams album by Mercenary sat in my closet for years unlistened to and when I finally gave it a chance it turned out to be the best album I've ever heard and a band that had a tremendous influence on my life.Things sometimes wait to present themselves until the right time I guess.
Anyway,back to the topic.This band is fronted by the original lead singer for Killswitch,that being Jesse Leach,one of my favorite vocalists ever.He's one of the best at hitting all the ranges,clean vocals,low growls,high screams,it's all fantastic.This project is actually more of a rock style band as opposed to the heavier stuff he's known for.I just started listening to it yesterday and I'm diggin' it.I'm feelin' it son.....
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Now that I've mentioned his early work on Killswitch,I'm needing to get my old school KSE fix.He was last in the band for their groundbreaking 2002 ''Alive or Just Breathing'' album.This album is grossly underrated in music history and had a tremendous part in the modern day metal movement,especially in the U.S. There is room for debate, although not much about the fact that this album sparked the entire modern day ''metalcore'' genre.I'll be the first to admit,most of the bands in this cateogry now are generic,unoriginal and flat out unappealing.It's true,except for a few select groups in my opinion.At it's time,this album changed peoples perceptions about incorporating clean vocals with it's aggressive cousin.This album was described as "more addictive than crack cocaine that's been smothered in nicotine AND drenched with chocolate." Oh yeah. I don't have an official list of favorite albums of all time but if I did,this incredible work would be damn near the top....
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