The sheets still smell like her...
I have to keep reminding myself that this is for the best, that this is the right thing to do. That I can only focus on addressing my issues, and she can only address hers, if we're not together.
But it's fucking hard. Jesus christ, this hurts. It's been a long time since I've had any real sense of loss on my life and I remember now why it sucks so bad.
I've done a lot of thinking in the past couple of days and I've decided to step away from everything for a little while. I'm really only using this blog to dump some of my thoughts, to get them written down so I can go over them later. I also know that, despite the high school dramatics, some of the folks here do genuinely wish me well and care for both she and I, and for you, I give thanks.
I have this horrible tendency to use people. I don't even think about it. When I was in high school, I only wanted to be with the person I loved because it made us both happy. Now, all too often do I realize I just want to be around someone because they make life easier on me, for whatever reason. I seriously need to spend some time with friends for no other reason than to spend time with them and enjoy each other's company. I have a dinner date Monday night (that'd be tonight, right? fuck it's hard to sleep normal hours all of a sudden) with a number of friends that I trust implicitly, and I hope to find it somewhat therapeutic.
I'm also too self-centered. People have been trying to tell me this for years and I don't listen. I know it's human nature to always look out for number one, but a little consideration goes a long way.
After all this time, I still have so much to learn.
I have to keep reminding myself that this is for the best, that this is the right thing to do. That I can only focus on addressing my issues, and she can only address hers, if we're not together.
But it's fucking hard. Jesus christ, this hurts. It's been a long time since I've had any real sense of loss on my life and I remember now why it sucks so bad.
I've done a lot of thinking in the past couple of days and I've decided to step away from everything for a little while. I'm really only using this blog to dump some of my thoughts, to get them written down so I can go over them later. I also know that, despite the high school dramatics, some of the folks here do genuinely wish me well and care for both she and I, and for you, I give thanks.
I have this horrible tendency to use people. I don't even think about it. When I was in high school, I only wanted to be with the person I loved because it made us both happy. Now, all too often do I realize I just want to be around someone because they make life easier on me, for whatever reason. I seriously need to spend some time with friends for no other reason than to spend time with them and enjoy each other's company. I have a dinner date Monday night (that'd be tonight, right? fuck it's hard to sleep normal hours all of a sudden) with a number of friends that I trust implicitly, and I hope to find it somewhat therapeutic.
I'm also too self-centered. People have been trying to tell me this for years and I don't listen. I know it's human nature to always look out for number one, but a little consideration goes a long way.
After all this time, I still have so much to learn.
