When I spoke to my father last night, he sounded extremely excited about my new life, my moving back to NY, and into the building I want to live in, saying "This is a new beginning, things are going to be great for you".
I KNOW he was trying to be nice, and I appreciate it. It's just.. I feel like my REAL dreams ended the moment that my mom took her last breath on the morning of April 4th, and this is somehow.. a lesser alternative.
My father keeps saying to me "The only way you honor your mother's memory is to go on with your life. Thats what she would have wanted". I KNOW this as well.. its just..
Oh, of course, I'm going to "Go on" with life. I'll go back to NY, get a job and do a business, and be with my friends and family.. It's just.. THE OTHER THING.
"The other thing" of course, is meeting someone, marriage, and family. My mom kept talking in her later years, about how she couldnt wait to meet her grandbabies. Now, that will never happen.
Also, I'm 42. I'm tired, depressed, sick, scared, brokenhearted. I look and feel like shit much of the time.
I've told my father many times since my mom died, that when I was in my 20s, and even 30s, I had a burning desire to have a partner and get married. Now, so much has happened to me, that I dont think I want it.
He says he understands, but, I guarantee, that in a year. or less from now.. when I'm back in NY, if things are better, I will get the whole speech from him about a girl, and children "completing my life". My aunt the artist always says that people meet someone when they least expect it. The night that my parents met;. at a house party.,. my mom didnt want to go the party. My grandmother, and my mom's roommate, nagged my mom to go. My parents had actually gone out on a date three years before, and my mom didnt like my dad. When she walked in the door, my dad recognized her, and he had changed. He went over, talked to her, and the rest, shall we say.. was history.
Chances are.. with all the discussion I'm doing in this thread.. I'll be involved in.. six months from now. I think of everything that's happened. I desperately wanted my mom to live.. she died. I had intended to be estranged from my father for life, and to never meet his wife. I'm back with him, and seeing his wife. I was never going back to NY. n less than four weeks.. I'll be living there again. Nothing I've wanted, intended, or planned, has worked out.
My father also talks about "holding back". He says that I dont have to tell a partner about my past life, failed buxinesses, tax problems, and living with my mom until age 42. That none of it matters now, because my ,life is going to change so much. I've had my own apartment since March. I always like to be honest. All I can say is.. if I do meet someone.. I'd have to see.
Whatever happens to me now, even if the best turns, wont feel the same without my mom. Losing her is like a void that is a Grand Canyon in my heart.
All I can say is.. that.. if I do unexpectedly meet that kind, smart, attractive, and ticklish girl, and have kids... my first child will be named after my mom.. I'll be joyful.. tp experience the wonder of parenting. There will, hoeever, always be that sense of.. "I'm so sorry mom isnt here to experience this. How ecstatic she would have been"..
Mitch
I KNOW he was trying to be nice, and I appreciate it. It's just.. I feel like my REAL dreams ended the moment that my mom took her last breath on the morning of April 4th, and this is somehow.. a lesser alternative.
My father keeps saying to me "The only way you honor your mother's memory is to go on with your life. Thats what she would have wanted". I KNOW this as well.. its just..
Oh, of course, I'm going to "Go on" with life. I'll go back to NY, get a job and do a business, and be with my friends and family.. It's just.. THE OTHER THING.
"The other thing" of course, is meeting someone, marriage, and family. My mom kept talking in her later years, about how she couldnt wait to meet her grandbabies. Now, that will never happen.
Also, I'm 42. I'm tired, depressed, sick, scared, brokenhearted. I look and feel like shit much of the time.
I've told my father many times since my mom died, that when I was in my 20s, and even 30s, I had a burning desire to have a partner and get married. Now, so much has happened to me, that I dont think I want it.
He says he understands, but, I guarantee, that in a year. or less from now.. when I'm back in NY, if things are better, I will get the whole speech from him about a girl, and children "completing my life". My aunt the artist always says that people meet someone when they least expect it. The night that my parents met;. at a house party.,. my mom didnt want to go the party. My grandmother, and my mom's roommate, nagged my mom to go. My parents had actually gone out on a date three years before, and my mom didnt like my dad. When she walked in the door, my dad recognized her, and he had changed. He went over, talked to her, and the rest, shall we say.. was history.
Chances are.. with all the discussion I'm doing in this thread.. I'll be involved in.. six months from now. I think of everything that's happened. I desperately wanted my mom to live.. she died. I had intended to be estranged from my father for life, and to never meet his wife. I'm back with him, and seeing his wife. I was never going back to NY. n less than four weeks.. I'll be living there again. Nothing I've wanted, intended, or planned, has worked out.
My father also talks about "holding back". He says that I dont have to tell a partner about my past life, failed buxinesses, tax problems, and living with my mom until age 42. That none of it matters now, because my ,life is going to change so much. I've had my own apartment since March. I always like to be honest. All I can say is.. if I do meet someone.. I'd have to see.
Whatever happens to me now, even if the best turns, wont feel the same without my mom. Losing her is like a void that is a Grand Canyon in my heart.
All I can say is.. that.. if I do unexpectedly meet that kind, smart, attractive, and ticklish girl, and have kids... my first child will be named after my mom.. I'll be joyful.. tp experience the wonder of parenting. There will, hoeever, always be that sense of.. "I'm so sorry mom isnt here to experience this. How ecstatic she would have been"..
Mitch
