i almost told them.

i am no good at lying.
i just can't do it. i suck at it and plus i'm getting sick and tired of hiding who i am and what i am into. i realize that is not everyone's cup of tea (talking about your personal life and whatnot) but for me it's a big part of who i am. all my friends now are as far from vanilla as you can get...so keeping this part of me locked inside and hidden just isn't going to work anymore.

i told my coworkers a week ago what i am into and it went fine. they accepted it..no problem! asked lots of questions and it was perfectly okay. they didn't care or judge me and i was fine with that. i even showed them my bruised ass! telling them was easy...because well...they are just my friends and i am, in no way shape or form, ashamed of who i am or what i like!

BUT

my family is a different story. this is something way personal and well, that's my FAMILY. my family and what i like to do is in no way any of their business and it makes me sick to my stomach to think about them knowing. but like i said, i suck at lying. they were asking me about my philly trip...what did i see and do and blah blah blah.

well maybe i should have done my research, but i didn't. when i was in philly the only time i left the hotel was to walk 5 minutes down the street to ruby tuesday's...so i didn't see or know much about philly at all. that was my mistake...and they could tell i was lying because i couldn't think of anything to say when they asked about my trip. the only thing that popped in my head was nifty fifties...and i didn't even GO to nifty fifties...soo...they started questioning.

i basically said i went to meet a group of people that i knew off line. their first guess was drugs...i was like whaaaa? then they thought it was some OCD thing (because i am a tiny bit OCD) and then my sister thought it was for some rape thing...it was just getting out of hand. i told them it was personal and i felt sick to my stomach talking about it with them and they agreed to drop it. i promised them it was nothing bad and i was perfectly safe the entire time.

i just wonder why that gap is so strong for me. i can easily tell a stranger, or my coworkers, or my friends about my fetish and interests but when it comes to family it's a huge deal to me. one part of me wanted to tell them, but a bigger part was making me want to get up and run away. i actually started crying and that's when they took the hint that this was just something i was not ready to talk about. my family..is just...we aren't close like that. my mom is the most judgmental person i've ever met and she just wouldn't understand...nor would i expect her to. this is something deep inside me...not her and not my sisters! this is something i had to deal with all of my life and work through to get to a point where i was finally okay with my tickling fetish.

so they know...but they don't know. i don't know what gets me more...the fact that they know i'm into something, or what they were guessing! i mean...the first thing they thought was drugs!! they also thought dungeon and dragons (ha!) and eating disorders, and that i was gay.

i guess i am just a little bit freaking out. i wasn't prepared for that and it just totally threw me off guard. i guess all i can do is just deal with it when it happens. i don't know. it's a weird feeling.