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I've always been attracted to this song, from the time my parents would play it when I was really quite young.
It generates such a miasma of emotions in me when I listen to the words. Sadness and sympathy to hear the pain of the lyrics, recognition of why someone would feel that way, curiosity of the particular set of circumstances that precluded the song's creation in the first place...
And...envy. It actually makes me feel completely envious sometimes. To be able to detach oneself like this, to pull back and, even for just a little while, to feel nothing--no hurt, no worry, no aching for what was or what can never be, no agony of losing connections, of losing people--oh, to experience the release of the weight of always giving a damn what other people are feeling and thinking...
I don't know if I can even really imagine what that would feel like.
To think that all that I am might be the sum of what people think of me, of the constant maintenance of patching, fixing, repairing, rebuilding, fighting to hold on and writhing with helplessness as I watch things slip away grows more and more exhausting as each day goes by.
More and more, I find myself wishing I knew how to stop caring. I wish there was an emotional off-switch on my spirit.
I wish I wasn't so gullible, so naive to think that people will always react to me as I do to them, that just because I try to keep the best interests of others in the forefront of my mind means they'll do the same for me.
I wish I could take comfort in continuing to believe that staying the course of loving, of not judging, of keeping my arms wide open and embracing those who step inside them would sincerely make a difference instead of simply leaving my heart vulnerable and with no protection from being torn out and apart.
I wish I knew how to stop...needing.
~ Mistress Aura
I've always been attracted to this song, from the time my parents would play it when I was really quite young.
It generates such a miasma of emotions in me when I listen to the words. Sadness and sympathy to hear the pain of the lyrics, recognition of why someone would feel that way, curiosity of the particular set of circumstances that precluded the song's creation in the first place...
And...envy. It actually makes me feel completely envious sometimes. To be able to detach oneself like this, to pull back and, even for just a little while, to feel nothing--no hurt, no worry, no aching for what was or what can never be, no agony of losing connections, of losing people--oh, to experience the release of the weight of always giving a damn what other people are feeling and thinking...
I don't know if I can even really imagine what that would feel like.
To think that all that I am might be the sum of what people think of me, of the constant maintenance of patching, fixing, repairing, rebuilding, fighting to hold on and writhing with helplessness as I watch things slip away grows more and more exhausting as each day goes by.
More and more, I find myself wishing I knew how to stop caring. I wish there was an emotional off-switch on my spirit.
I wish I wasn't so gullible, so naive to think that people will always react to me as I do to them, that just because I try to keep the best interests of others in the forefront of my mind means they'll do the same for me.
I wish I could take comfort in continuing to believe that staying the course of loving, of not judging, of keeping my arms wide open and embracing those who step inside them would sincerely make a difference instead of simply leaving my heart vulnerable and with no protection from being torn out and apart.
I wish I knew how to stop...needing.
~ Mistress Aura
