Wow,over a year since my last blog post here.I don't even know where to begin...WTF?..LOL...I've been looking forward to posting this and have been contemplating what to write over the last several days.Seriously...I've been running all kinds of shit through my mismanaged,mess of a mind thinking about what to write. Reading through some of the threads in the GD discussion a few minutes ago made me realize how much I miss this place. Bunch of crazy mo' fuckers up in here..LOL..
When I last posted I was going through some serious shit and not knowing what was to become of it.Well..lol...I knew it was going to be ''interesting'' but I had no idea what I was to be in for.Not even fuckin' close. I've changed more over the last,let's say, year and a half than all of the other small,life altering moments before that combined.Drastic change.Not necessarily for the better either.At least not up until this moment but things change,progress and evolve with time so who knows what lies ahead.
I haven't worked since before my last post.Yeah,you fuckin' believe that shit?
It went from almost 8 yrs of 50-60 hr weeks to nothing.Talk about a reality check. 
It made more apparent what I had known all throughout but the goals I was working towards made it somewhat tolerable and I guess worth while.I realised more than ever how much of life I missed and how time had passed.Not only that time had passed but in the end all of the effort and sacrifice was in vain.Before all this mess happened I recall thinking to myself,''I could really use a year off of work to put things into perspective''. What's the old saying?...'Be careful what you wish for.'..Ain't that the truth.
I had been wanting to get out of my line of work and was counting the days until I did but this wasn't what I had in mind.Not at all.As miserable as that job made me and as much as I despised it,I'd go back in nanosecond if it meant I'd have my physical capabilities back.This has changed everything. My future working options are narrowed drastically,my hobbies and the things I enjoyed doing are no longer possible. It's a completely different life in every aspect from what I was working towards.I've been having a hard time trying to make sense of it all.
It's like you spend years working towards a certain direction then all of a sudden it's gone.Like WTF?!
..Things will move on and do what they do but that just leaves a tremendous void.There's this overwhelming feeling of unfinished business but it is what it is now.That's one reason I wanted to make this post,aside from the fact that I miss this crazy ass place. I feel like with moving on I'm conceding to defeat and that brutal to a stubborn fuck like me. 
Bottom line is I have a very difficult road ahead and need to focus my energy in the right places. I just don't have the mental or physical energy to fight a war against myself and the external world abroad. It can't be won.
So here's where things stand,my twenties were a disaster.An absolute,utter train wreck. I spent my years grinding through a shit job in which I gave up my happiness,my health,my social life,basically everything I was for the greater good.The greater good ended up being a cliff and I fell right the fuck off it.In the end I had to blow through all of the money I saved,everything I learned is basically useless and had to sell 10k worth of tools for basically nothing. I had two spine injuries in seven months which will accompany me until my death putting major restrictions on every aspect of my existance. My morale is crushed and 'd' has it's teeth sunk so deeply into me that I don't even have words to describe it.I'll never admit to the last sentence and don't even like writing the word. I carry myself well and don't let it show but it's very decieving.That's where I'm at.
Hopefully this post will act as sort of a catalyst to something else. I was going to write some more but sitting like this is brutal.I'll be walking around tomorrow like some old,half crippled,decrepit piece o' shit...LOL...I'm off to make most of the first day of the 29th year of my life.I'm going bell to bell today,so to speak.I look forward to posting more in the future. The SSF is calling my name but for now I still have some cleaning up to do.
When I last posted I was going through some serious shit and not knowing what was to become of it.Well..lol...I knew it was going to be ''interesting'' but I had no idea what I was to be in for.Not even fuckin' close. I've changed more over the last,let's say, year and a half than all of the other small,life altering moments before that combined.Drastic change.Not necessarily for the better either.At least not up until this moment but things change,progress and evolve with time so who knows what lies ahead.
I haven't worked since before my last post.Yeah,you fuckin' believe that shit?
It went from almost 8 yrs of 50-60 hr weeks to nothing.Talk about a reality check. It made more apparent what I had known all throughout but the goals I was working towards made it somewhat tolerable and I guess worth while.I realised more than ever how much of life I missed and how time had passed.Not only that time had passed but in the end all of the effort and sacrifice was in vain.Before all this mess happened I recall thinking to myself,''I could really use a year off of work to put things into perspective''. What's the old saying?...'Be careful what you wish for.'..Ain't that the truth.I had been wanting to get out of my line of work and was counting the days until I did but this wasn't what I had in mind.Not at all.As miserable as that job made me and as much as I despised it,I'd go back in nanosecond if it meant I'd have my physical capabilities back.This has changed everything. My future working options are narrowed drastically,my hobbies and the things I enjoyed doing are no longer possible. It's a completely different life in every aspect from what I was working towards.I've been having a hard time trying to make sense of it all.
It's like you spend years working towards a certain direction then all of a sudden it's gone.Like WTF?!
..Things will move on and do what they do but that just leaves a tremendous void.There's this overwhelming feeling of unfinished business but it is what it is now.That's one reason I wanted to make this post,aside from the fact that I miss this crazy ass place. I feel like with moving on I'm conceding to defeat and that brutal to a stubborn fuck like me. Bottom line is I have a very difficult road ahead and need to focus my energy in the right places. I just don't have the mental or physical energy to fight a war against myself and the external world abroad. It can't be won.So here's where things stand,my twenties were a disaster.An absolute,utter train wreck. I spent my years grinding through a shit job in which I gave up my happiness,my health,my social life,basically everything I was for the greater good.The greater good ended up being a cliff and I fell right the fuck off it.In the end I had to blow through all of the money I saved,everything I learned is basically useless and had to sell 10k worth of tools for basically nothing. I had two spine injuries in seven months which will accompany me until my death putting major restrictions on every aspect of my existance. My morale is crushed and 'd' has it's teeth sunk so deeply into me that I don't even have words to describe it.I'll never admit to the last sentence and don't even like writing the word. I carry myself well and don't let it show but it's very decieving.That's where I'm at.
Hopefully this post will act as sort of a catalyst to something else. I was going to write some more but sitting like this is brutal.I'll be walking around tomorrow like some old,half crippled,decrepit piece o' shit...LOL...I'm off to make most of the first day of the 29th year of my life.I'm going bell to bell today,so to speak.I look forward to posting more in the future. The SSF is calling my name but for now I still have some cleaning up to do.
