Copy/Pasted from Fetlife. Title is an allusion to a poem by Charles Bukowski that I've always related to. Especially this part (which I have posted on my fetlife profile) -
Hullo friends,
In the interest of helping myself process the emotional roller-coaster of this weekend, and rather than clog up the NEST groups / threads with my brainbarf, figured I'd do it here.
Anxiety is a piece of shit that tells you your value is based on bullshit garbage and forces you to isolate yourself as if your presence is not desired or sought.
Turns out, there's a whole pack of us that suffer from similar thoughts, require what we feel is a lot of self care (that we don't think we deserve), or that our best is not good enough (hey, our best is not the same every day!).
And funnily enough, when I feel like hiding, sleeping, being antisocial, I should really be doing the opposite and finding friends, hugs, and cuddles.
Thank you Lee, for bringing people together, busting your ass to give folks a special and memorable time every-damn-year, and I especially thank you for your compassion and care.
Thank you Rhino, for basically being my superman - picking me up, dusting me off, and making me feel special and important and loved.
Thank you Meangry for your thoughtfulness, love, "safety" and for letting me bawl my eyes out on you yesterday.
Thank you Beard and Beard Wife for being the best good friends a Rhino and a Rude could ask for. You guys are amazing and I love you guys.
Thank you to everyone who took time to talk to me, get to know me, introduced themselves, said hi and even if you were nervous, it's ok, there's always next year. (I'm shy too a lot.)
Thank you, Amanda, for helping push me to do the auction. You were so right that I'd have regretted it had I not.
Thanks to everyone that bid on me at the auction. Talk about a confidence boost. And to everyone that I got to play with, you really helped me feel fun, wanted, and the stress relief was a much needed bonus. Especially Rachel and Mistress Widow. Those memories will be kept affectionately in my heart forever.
Thank you so much, dear friends, for being understanding of my struggles and hyper-somnia.
Thank you to all the body-positive ladies that made me feel pretty. Please more of this. You are all such lovely amazing goddesses.
Thank you, anxiety-buddies, for putting me back together when I needed it and for trusting me to be the one to help mend you when you were feeling down.
Thank you all for being gentle with my delicate spirit and checking in with me at various points over the weekend.
I want to apologize to anyone that I didn't get to know, talk to as much as I'd like, or hang out. I truly hope I didn't make anyone feel slighted or hurt any feelings. I know there were a few people that I wanted to spend more time with and many that I wished I could have met or had the guts to say hi to lol. That's always a little bit of a bummer and it's always my goal to try to do a little better with that each year.
Love all of you. Thank you for letting me be a part of your tribe.
PS. The next couple weeks have me very anxious and I know, despite being lucky enough to go home with a rhino, there will be times the drop hits me hard. I also have some procedures I need done to help with my anxiety / PTSD (not electro-shock therapy lol but still nerve racking) over the next few weeks. I struggle with self-worth, body hatred, shame over my mental health issues, feeling like a burden to others, and asking for help / love when needed.
As hard as this is, I may find myself asking for some words of encouragement during this time. If I don't, it's probably due to previously mentioned thought habits, so any love sent my way, positive vibes, heart emojis, would be greatly appreciated. I know we are all fighting our own battles, so no worries.
But this kitten ain't quittin'.
Love you guys.
Hullo friends,
In the interest of helping myself process the emotional roller-coaster of this weekend, and rather than clog up the NEST groups / threads with my brainbarf, figured I'd do it here.
Anxiety is a piece of shit that tells you your value is based on bullshit garbage and forces you to isolate yourself as if your presence is not desired or sought.
Turns out, there's a whole pack of us that suffer from similar thoughts, require what we feel is a lot of self care (that we don't think we deserve), or that our best is not good enough (hey, our best is not the same every day!).
And funnily enough, when I feel like hiding, sleeping, being antisocial, I should really be doing the opposite and finding friends, hugs, and cuddles.
Thank you Lee, for bringing people together, busting your ass to give folks a special and memorable time every-damn-year, and I especially thank you for your compassion and care.
Thank you Rhino, for basically being my superman - picking me up, dusting me off, and making me feel special and important and loved.
Thank you Meangry for your thoughtfulness, love, "safety" and for letting me bawl my eyes out on you yesterday.
Thank you Beard and Beard Wife for being the best good friends a Rhino and a Rude could ask for. You guys are amazing and I love you guys.
Thank you to everyone who took time to talk to me, get to know me, introduced themselves, said hi and even if you were nervous, it's ok, there's always next year. (I'm shy too a lot.)
Thank you, Amanda, for helping push me to do the auction. You were so right that I'd have regretted it had I not.
Thanks to everyone that bid on me at the auction. Talk about a confidence boost. And to everyone that I got to play with, you really helped me feel fun, wanted, and the stress relief was a much needed bonus. Especially Rachel and Mistress Widow. Those memories will be kept affectionately in my heart forever.
Thank you so much, dear friends, for being understanding of my struggles and hyper-somnia.
Thank you to all the body-positive ladies that made me feel pretty. Please more of this. You are all such lovely amazing goddesses.
Thank you, anxiety-buddies, for putting me back together when I needed it and for trusting me to be the one to help mend you when you were feeling down.
Thank you all for being gentle with my delicate spirit and checking in with me at various points over the weekend.
I want to apologize to anyone that I didn't get to know, talk to as much as I'd like, or hang out. I truly hope I didn't make anyone feel slighted or hurt any feelings. I know there were a few people that I wanted to spend more time with and many that I wished I could have met or had the guts to say hi to lol. That's always a little bit of a bummer and it's always my goal to try to do a little better with that each year.
Love all of you. Thank you for letting me be a part of your tribe.
PS. The next couple weeks have me very anxious and I know, despite being lucky enough to go home with a rhino, there will be times the drop hits me hard. I also have some procedures I need done to help with my anxiety / PTSD (not electro-shock therapy lol but still nerve racking) over the next few weeks. I struggle with self-worth, body hatred, shame over my mental health issues, feeling like a burden to others, and asking for help / love when needed.
As hard as this is, I may find myself asking for some words of encouragement during this time. If I don't, it's probably due to previously mentioned thought habits, so any love sent my way, positive vibes, heart emojis, would be greatly appreciated. I know we are all fighting our own battles, so no worries.
But this kitten ain't quittin'.
Love you guys.
