I hadn't heard from my father since last Thursday. We had been arguing about things. Mom, his role in my life, money, etc, and he just stopped writing me. With all the stress I'm dealing with over mom, I didn't want to get started with him, so I let it go. This morning, when I awoke, my mom said to me "I want you to e-mail your father. With all the troubles we have now, this isn't the time for you to alienate him". Had my mom not had cancer, I would have told her to mind her own business, and leave me alone, but, because she does have cancer, I e-mailed him so as not to stress her out more. I didn't want to, but I did anyway. My father replied a bit later with: "I'm not ignoring you. I got the distinct impression you didn't want to hear from me". I never said I didnt want to hear from him. I just dont want him to be short tempered, and not supportive. I don't know what happens next. All I do know is that if mom doesn't unexpectedly get sick, she begins tests next week. As for "Dad", who knows with him?
I mentioned in an earlier blog how I'm having trouble concentrating on movies and TV. I don't watch Grey's anymore, maybe because it's a show about hospitals and sick people. I'm also not happy that Katherine Heigl left the show. I dont know if I'll watch it in the future. That may depend on how my mom's treatment goes, and just what kind of mood I'm in.
The one show I've been watching, On Demand, is Big Love. I watched all the original episodes when they aired on Sunday nights, but they have the show On Demand until April 5, so I just keep watching a couple of episodes a night, and I find it's the one thing I can concentrate on as far as TV or movies. I havent been to a movie at the theater since this whole thing with mom happened, and I'm not sure when I'm going.
Basically, I'm struggling. I know it, and I admit it. I'm going to be there for mom, no matter what, but I can't explain why it is that I can't sleep without sedatives, or I can only focus on one show, or trivial things. On Monday, my Dr talked about sending me to a psychatrist, or consulting with one to give me anti depressant meds. I've been in therapy before, but I've never needed meds to get along in my life.
My mom has also kept her illness a secret from all but family, close friends, my assistant, and she knows that the forum members know. Today, when we went to get our hair cut, my mom said to our hair stylist, Kristie,: "Mitch and I are moving back to New York in spring 2011, to be closer to our family". I'm sitting there thinking to myself: "God willing, if you're still here, mom". I will never betray her, by telling anyone she wouldn't want me to tell.
Basically, I know I',m rambling and not making much sense. I guess my point of this blog entry is. What the fuck is wrong with me? Why am I not able to sleep without sedatives, or to focus on any entertainment but one show? I can focus when I'm posting on forum, or talking to friends, but my mind wanders.
Is this normal? Am I just experiencing overload with fear and worry about mom, or is there something else going on with me? Any insight or advice would be appreciated. Mom now says depending on what the news is with her, she may call the Dr to get me the anti depressant meds, or send me to a psychatrist.
Thoughts?
Mitch
I mentioned in an earlier blog how I'm having trouble concentrating on movies and TV. I don't watch Grey's anymore, maybe because it's a show about hospitals and sick people. I'm also not happy that Katherine Heigl left the show. I dont know if I'll watch it in the future. That may depend on how my mom's treatment goes, and just what kind of mood I'm in.
The one show I've been watching, On Demand, is Big Love. I watched all the original episodes when they aired on Sunday nights, but they have the show On Demand until April 5, so I just keep watching a couple of episodes a night, and I find it's the one thing I can concentrate on as far as TV or movies. I havent been to a movie at the theater since this whole thing with mom happened, and I'm not sure when I'm going.
Basically, I'm struggling. I know it, and I admit it. I'm going to be there for mom, no matter what, but I can't explain why it is that I can't sleep without sedatives, or I can only focus on one show, or trivial things. On Monday, my Dr talked about sending me to a psychatrist, or consulting with one to give me anti depressant meds. I've been in therapy before, but I've never needed meds to get along in my life.
My mom has also kept her illness a secret from all but family, close friends, my assistant, and she knows that the forum members know. Today, when we went to get our hair cut, my mom said to our hair stylist, Kristie,: "Mitch and I are moving back to New York in spring 2011, to be closer to our family". I'm sitting there thinking to myself: "God willing, if you're still here, mom". I will never betray her, by telling anyone she wouldn't want me to tell.
Basically, I know I',m rambling and not making much sense. I guess my point of this blog entry is. What the fuck is wrong with me? Why am I not able to sleep without sedatives, or to focus on any entertainment but one show? I can focus when I'm posting on forum, or talking to friends, but my mind wanders.
Is this normal? Am I just experiencing overload with fear and worry about mom, or is there something else going on with me? Any insight or advice would be appreciated. Mom now says depending on what the news is with her, she may call the Dr to get me the anti depressant meds, or send me to a psychatrist.
Thoughts?
Mitch
