I know that I like to deny it so vehemently sometimes. But it seems as if where-ever I go, there are reminders of how many submissive traits I do carry. I mean, completely putting the D/s angle aside and just focusing on personality, here. For example, I love helping people. I don't need a physical reward to feel satisfied, it's knowing that I completed a job or task and made the person I did it for happy, that makes me happy.
Back onto the D/s angle:
I feel a weird mixture of admiration and confusion for submissives. I hold no ill-will or negativity towards them at all, it's more of an inexperience thing then anything else. It's all due to my issues with being way too analytical at times, but if I'm not going to be someone else just will anyways.
I don't understand, but yet it's so beautiful to see someone submit to that one (two, etc) person (people) that they care deeply enough about and trust enough to want to do so. It fascinates me because of how much general trust is involved in that whole act. I like to sit back and wonder if I could do that and sadly I almost always come up with the same answer; No way, guy.
I think it's mainly due to the amount of trust you have to put in the person that you are Serving. And I've yet to really *be* with someone whom I can trust so wholly. It's almost as if, once I begin to start giving chunks of that side of me, it all gets thrown back into my face or promptly deposited on the floor at my feet. I know I'm not a perfect person and I have made a lot of my own mistakes within my life, but having an ability to completely drop all of my guards for one person and completely believing that they won't damage me worse then I already am is just too complex for me to even attempt to understand.
Don't get me wrong, I want to believe that there will be someone out there that I can trust on that level and I'm sure there is. Unfortunately, I feel that I've been let down one too many times to be able to believe it as much anymore.
With the recent split of my 3.5 year relationship that I was involved in, I now have a very narrow mindset upon my own self as to if I'll ever be involved in a relationship like that again. Marriage aside, I'm referring to even something so much as a boyfriend/girlfriend relationship. I'm pretty convinced that I can't rely on another man again. I can't even apparently do right in a friendship, so any form of a relationship is definitely something that'll never be able to happen.
My head's pretty rocked. I've got my priorities in order for the most part; The most important one being My son. I've got a job that I start training in tomorrow, so a income of my own is imminent. I'll work towards an apartment for My son and I and begin looking into School Districts.
I'm happy with the direction that I'm potentially heading into, but there are things that keep getting in the way of me really being able to feel that happiness for all that it's worth. It's not so much the actual occurrence of these things, more so it being things that I never expected would bring so much negativity to me emotionally. Then again, I'm still struggling with not having an anxiety attack everytime I forget something or for any other reason.
I guess it all might just go back to the trust thing. That and being stockpiled with various moments of stress that are causing the conflict that I'm feeling.
I've been reading a blog lately. It's very interesting. It's done by a Female slave who Serves her Husband Master. She's got an overall interesting way of looking at things and provides entertaining stories about her and her Husband. I enjoy it because it's situations with people like that, that give me brief moments of hope from the relationship angle as well as that pesky submissive angle.
Here's her site: http://www.underhishand.com
And, Amanda (or anyone else who's interested), this site is amazing. I've been pouring over it for the better part of 2 hours now: http://www.submissiveguide.com/
- Jo.
Back onto the D/s angle:
I feel a weird mixture of admiration and confusion for submissives. I hold no ill-will or negativity towards them at all, it's more of an inexperience thing then anything else. It's all due to my issues with being way too analytical at times, but if I'm not going to be someone else just will anyways.
I don't understand, but yet it's so beautiful to see someone submit to that one (two, etc) person (people) that they care deeply enough about and trust enough to want to do so. It fascinates me because of how much general trust is involved in that whole act. I like to sit back and wonder if I could do that and sadly I almost always come up with the same answer; No way, guy.
I think it's mainly due to the amount of trust you have to put in the person that you are Serving. And I've yet to really *be* with someone whom I can trust so wholly. It's almost as if, once I begin to start giving chunks of that side of me, it all gets thrown back into my face or promptly deposited on the floor at my feet. I know I'm not a perfect person and I have made a lot of my own mistakes within my life, but having an ability to completely drop all of my guards for one person and completely believing that they won't damage me worse then I already am is just too complex for me to even attempt to understand.
Don't get me wrong, I want to believe that there will be someone out there that I can trust on that level and I'm sure there is. Unfortunately, I feel that I've been let down one too many times to be able to believe it as much anymore.
With the recent split of my 3.5 year relationship that I was involved in, I now have a very narrow mindset upon my own self as to if I'll ever be involved in a relationship like that again. Marriage aside, I'm referring to even something so much as a boyfriend/girlfriend relationship. I'm pretty convinced that I can't rely on another man again. I can't even apparently do right in a friendship, so any form of a relationship is definitely something that'll never be able to happen.
My head's pretty rocked. I've got my priorities in order for the most part; The most important one being My son. I've got a job that I start training in tomorrow, so a income of my own is imminent. I'll work towards an apartment for My son and I and begin looking into School Districts.
I'm happy with the direction that I'm potentially heading into, but there are things that keep getting in the way of me really being able to feel that happiness for all that it's worth. It's not so much the actual occurrence of these things, more so it being things that I never expected would bring so much negativity to me emotionally. Then again, I'm still struggling with not having an anxiety attack everytime I forget something or for any other reason.
I guess it all might just go back to the trust thing. That and being stockpiled with various moments of stress that are causing the conflict that I'm feeling.
I've been reading a blog lately. It's very interesting. It's done by a Female slave who Serves her Husband Master. She's got an overall interesting way of looking at things and provides entertaining stories about her and her Husband. I enjoy it because it's situations with people like that, that give me brief moments of hope from the relationship angle as well as that pesky submissive angle.
Here's her site: http://www.underhishand.com
And, Amanda (or anyone else who's interested), this site is amazing. I've been pouring over it for the better part of 2 hours now: http://www.submissiveguide.com/
- Jo.
