Lest anyone misunderstand the intention of my title, I am not advocating the murder of Sophia Coppola. I wish to make this perfectly clear to all my readers. Please do not kill Sophia Coppola. I do not want that.
If you are a barista, do not poison her coffee. If you are an animal trainer, do not fill her bedroom with scorpions. If you are driving a large SUV and you see her crossing the street in front of you, do not slam on the gas and then pretend you were having a seizure.
I do not approve of the any of the above methods of murdering Sophia Coppola. Please do not do them. Just because it would be funny does not make it right.
I trust I have made my point.
The Virgin Suicides, June 15, 2010
Failure Rating: 5 dead virgins (the required sacrifice after a crime this grievous).
Few things piss me off more than undeserved success. As you might be able to guess, I am an angry person because undeserved success is the organizing principle of our world. There is absolutely no relationship between effort and talent to wealth and physical comfort, and anyone who tries to tell you differently just wants you to buy their book.
But even more infuriating than undeserved success is undeserved accolades. It's bad enough watching someone with no worth or merit skip ahead of you through blind luck or personal connections, but there's simply no excuse when praise is also heaped upon these horrible, worthless individuals. When this happens it can turn a single lapse in judgement into a damning indictment of all society. The fact that Henry Kissinger can honestly call himself a Nobel Peace Prize winner used to be the worst example of this sort of failure. Then, in 2003, the title of least-deserving-awardee-ever passed to "Academy Award winner" Sofia Coppola. My hands cramp just typing those words. Academy award winner Sofia Coppola. I think a blood vessel just burst behind my eye.😱
So anyway, my hatred for The Virgin Suicides isn't just about me hating the film (which I did). It's not even about me hating Sofia Coppola (aka that bitch who ruined the Godfather trilogy). It's more about hating a life which is so unfair that this talentless skank was not only handed a career by her filmmaker father, and then used that career to make a series of the worst movies ever made (Lost in Translation was the first of her films that was remotely tolerable; think burnt-hamburger as opposed to dogshit rolled in more dogshit), but then got absurdly praised and rewarded for it. Sofia Coppola epitomizes everything that is wrong with Hollywood. And inherited wealth. And the world.
Also, The Virgin Suicides really is just a very shitty movie. I say this in spite of the fact that this film stars Kirsten Dunst, and I've wanted to nail her since before I even knew what 'nailing' was. She has a permanent place of honour in my spank-files. She is my first, and best, celebrity crush. But not even she can save this film from being a pointless waste of everybody's time and an affront to the filmmaking arts. The Virgin Suicides staggers from contrivance to contrivance, lurching toward the forced, fake, obvious conclusion that everyone can see coming from a mile away. Sofia tries for some misdirection by making the audience abandon its rationality early on, so that while it would make sense for a film called "The Virgin Suicides" to end with a bunch of virgins committing suicide, by then you've accepted that nothing in this turd makes any sense. So maybe the ending will totally shock you. (Except it won't).
In addition to how mind-numbingly unrealistic the plot is or how much I hated all the characters, there's also the weird, pseudo-feminist message that Sofia Coppola tries to inject into the film (the pressures on young women are what drive them all to suicide! They're rebelling against the patriarchal order!), which I'm all for, except that in her film none of the girls have any personality; they're just interchangeable blondes who do things no one understands. How is that empowering? If you want to do a movie about strong women, great, Sofia, but they need to have a fucking personality first. She tried to hit this mark again when she made Marie Antoinette (this film taught me that Sofia Coppola's ideal heroine is evidently a woman who has been given everything in life, lives in ungodly opulence, and whom everyone else hates for it; I can't tell if this is because of her background has deeply alienated her from the human race, or because she's just that fucking stupid).
Thank you to Emily for reminding me of this cinematic garbage which I had almost blocked from my memory. Fuck your face.😛
If you are a barista, do not poison her coffee. If you are an animal trainer, do not fill her bedroom with scorpions. If you are driving a large SUV and you see her crossing the street in front of you, do not slam on the gas and then pretend you were having a seizure.
I do not approve of the any of the above methods of murdering Sophia Coppola. Please do not do them. Just because it would be funny does not make it right.
I trust I have made my point.
The Virgin Suicides, June 15, 2010
Failure Rating: 5 dead virgins (the required sacrifice after a crime this grievous).
Few things piss me off more than undeserved success. As you might be able to guess, I am an angry person because undeserved success is the organizing principle of our world. There is absolutely no relationship between effort and talent to wealth and physical comfort, and anyone who tries to tell you differently just wants you to buy their book.
But even more infuriating than undeserved success is undeserved accolades. It's bad enough watching someone with no worth or merit skip ahead of you through blind luck or personal connections, but there's simply no excuse when praise is also heaped upon these horrible, worthless individuals. When this happens it can turn a single lapse in judgement into a damning indictment of all society. The fact that Henry Kissinger can honestly call himself a Nobel Peace Prize winner used to be the worst example of this sort of failure. Then, in 2003, the title of least-deserving-awardee-ever passed to "Academy Award winner" Sofia Coppola. My hands cramp just typing those words. Academy award winner Sofia Coppola. I think a blood vessel just burst behind my eye.😱
So anyway, my hatred for The Virgin Suicides isn't just about me hating the film (which I did). It's not even about me hating Sofia Coppola (aka that bitch who ruined the Godfather trilogy). It's more about hating a life which is so unfair that this talentless skank was not only handed a career by her filmmaker father, and then used that career to make a series of the worst movies ever made (Lost in Translation was the first of her films that was remotely tolerable; think burnt-hamburger as opposed to dogshit rolled in more dogshit), but then got absurdly praised and rewarded for it. Sofia Coppola epitomizes everything that is wrong with Hollywood. And inherited wealth. And the world.
Also, The Virgin Suicides really is just a very shitty movie. I say this in spite of the fact that this film stars Kirsten Dunst, and I've wanted to nail her since before I even knew what 'nailing' was. She has a permanent place of honour in my spank-files. She is my first, and best, celebrity crush. But not even she can save this film from being a pointless waste of everybody's time and an affront to the filmmaking arts. The Virgin Suicides staggers from contrivance to contrivance, lurching toward the forced, fake, obvious conclusion that everyone can see coming from a mile away. Sofia tries for some misdirection by making the audience abandon its rationality early on, so that while it would make sense for a film called "The Virgin Suicides" to end with a bunch of virgins committing suicide, by then you've accepted that nothing in this turd makes any sense. So maybe the ending will totally shock you. (Except it won't).
In addition to how mind-numbingly unrealistic the plot is or how much I hated all the characters, there's also the weird, pseudo-feminist message that Sofia Coppola tries to inject into the film (the pressures on young women are what drive them all to suicide! They're rebelling against the patriarchal order!), which I'm all for, except that in her film none of the girls have any personality; they're just interchangeable blondes who do things no one understands. How is that empowering? If you want to do a movie about strong women, great, Sofia, but they need to have a fucking personality first. She tried to hit this mark again when she made Marie Antoinette (this film taught me that Sofia Coppola's ideal heroine is evidently a woman who has been given everything in life, lives in ungodly opulence, and whom everyone else hates for it; I can't tell if this is because of her background has deeply alienated her from the human race, or because she's just that fucking stupid).
Thank you to Emily for reminding me of this cinematic garbage which I had almost blocked from my memory. Fuck your face.😛
