Think Thin

So I was on skype talking to my usual boys, Jay and Brent. While they were conversing about a thread on the forum, I was just going through some peoples photos on deviantart.com, and on the forum, and through myspace.com. There was a set of photos that I was browsing through of this really cute guy and a girl, they were obviously a couple. Sitting here, looking through them the only thing that would repeatedly go through my mind was " Oh wow he's really cute, look at his girl. I can't get a guy like that because I'm fat. I'm not thin enough I don't think". BAM!!! That's all it takes. That one thought, that one quick statement to put someone like me into emotional hysterics. So I left the conversation for a few minutes and went to the bathroom. I did not purge. In the back of my mind I'm proud of myself for keeping my cool. I just kind of stood at the sink and stared at myself in the mirror. And then I just broke. I took my shirt off and looked at myself some more. The more I looked the more I hated, and the more I hated the more upset I got. If I could just take a knife and carve my body, like a cake, the way I want it be I would. I went back to my room and laid on the floor for a bit to just breath. A minute of breathing I decided to slightly punish myself and do 200 sit ups straight. My stomach muscles still hurt. I just wanted to feel pain, and I can't exactly beat myself with the crop. But no matter what I do...I don't think I'll ever be satisfied.