When I made the decision to write a blog it was primarily because I found myself at a point in my life where I felt I needed to be more candid about the one topic that I least enjoy discussing; my marriage. It's time to pull off that band-aid and have a good long look at that wound. Please bear with me, because there is a lot that needs to be said here, and I haven't organized my thoughts, so this might come out a bit like rambling.
I've been married for over 14 years to a woman who does not share my fetish. She is aware that I have this fetish, and I suppose in the earliest years of our marriage (pre-children), she was willing to indulge me as far as to have a tickling video playing on the TV while we made love, but in terms of her ever personally indulging me in this part of who I am, she's ticklish but doesn't like to be tickled, so that really hasn't been an option. Once children came into our lives, our sex life went into the toilet (and I know this is not unique to my marriage or to marriages involving one fetishist and one non-fetishist). For a myriad of reasons that are not worth detailing here, suffice it to say that what little passion there was between us has long been gone. I wish you, the reader, could understand how difficult it is for me to state something like that, because it means that every day I continue to stay married, I'm living a hollow lie.
So why do I stay married, you ask? The three beautiful children sleeping in their beds as I write this is why. I'm guessing there are those of you out there who are divorced with children, and perhaps you might have some words of advice for me that might help give me clarity. I'm certainly not unique in being a man in a marriage that isn't working who sticks around because he wants to be with his kids. And maybe I'm not doing them or myself any favors by staying. I don't have the playbook for this in front of me. All I can say for sure is I don't want to be a Dad who is estranged from his children, or who is hated by his kids because he chose to leave and ruined everyone's lives.
The reasons to stay (which is what I've been doing for years) are numerous. I see my children all I want. I live in a nice home in a nice neighborhood (vs probably needing to find myself some small 1 bedroom apartment where I live alone 90% of the time). I enjoy all the benefits of 'being married'; the social acceptance of friends and neighbors, the lack of pressure of trying to start over in finding a new relationship, the financial advantages of not having my income fractured into supporting two sets of lives, etc. And for 14 years...no, longer than that...I was married in 2002, but I joined the TMF in 2001, so that tells you that even before I tied the knot, I was already pursuing my inner passions outside of my marriage...for 15+ years I've been supplementing this supposed ideal lifestyle by 'getting my fix' behind her back.
The reasons to leave are easy to state, but hardly easy to act upon. I'm almost 45 years old, and I still dream of a day when I can live my life without any sneaking or hiding. I might never have a relationship with a woman who is my perfect match, and I don't need to elaborate here what that means. You all know what I'm talking about. She has to be everything I'm looking for physically, emotionally, psychologically, and spiritually. In reality, she probably doesn't exist, and if she does, the chances of my finding her and ending up with her living this dream life has got to be the slimmest of slim. Way too many variables there to expect it all to just fall into place like I'd hope. So if I know that, why throw away my comfortable (albeit hollow) life at home and take a chance on such a long shot?
The answer is in the question, because there is a chance, no matter how remote. But how long does a person hold onto a dream before they either give up on it or just do it already? I'm getting older, and while the salt-n-pepper hair might appeal to some, and there is wisdom and emotional maturity that comes with age, I'm no longer in my prime, no matter how much I'd like to dispute that. I might have missed my window of opportunity already. Starting to ramble here...I did warn that might happen.
You might be asking why I got married in the first place to a woman who did not share my fetish. The answer is I put other priorities in front of my fetish. I was nearing 30 years old and I wanted a family before I was too old to enjoy them. I didn't want to be some old dad who can't bend over to pick up his young child. I found a woman around my age who I was comfortable with. I don't think there was every electricity between us (at least not from my end), but she was easy to be with, and I thought that was all I needed. For 15 years, I've settled for that.
I was active here in the early years. I don't think the chat room existed yet in those days. I primarily spent my time writing fiction for the TMF. It was my way of expressing my fetish, and I wrote enough to warrant my own archive forum I guess. Either that speaks to the quality of my writing, or the sheer volume that I was churning out.
I drifted away from the TMF for close to a decade though once I discovered Second Life. In Second Life, as the name implies, I lived out a virtual existence, one in which I was free to be the guy I could not be in my First Life. That is where I discovered role playing, and learned a lot about D/s, and through my virtual avatars, I acted out just about every fantasy my pervy mind could come up with. And I have a few people to thank for that...they know who they are, and if they are reading this, THANK YOU!
But I didn't like who I was in Second Life. I was spending too much time plugged into my virtual life and not spending much time on my First Life. It became a huge time suck (much like the TMF has become for me over these past few weeks). I pulled myself away from SL a few times but I always returned. I think I'm finally gone for good from there (though I should never say never), but the fetish in me is not so easy silenced. It didn't take more than a few months before I found myself back here, diving in head first into this escape from my reality.
And that's the thing. My fetish consumes me. I can pretend it doesn't. I can zombie walk through the next 30 years of marriage pretending I don't have it, and I'll be a miserable fuck the entire time. Obviously, I go to places like the TMF and SL because there is a need in me that isn't being met. If anyone can understand that, I'm hoping it's this crowd.
Ah, but I'm married, don't forget that. And because I'm married, it is wrong for me to pursue interests outside my marriage. It is wrong to flirt with women who share my interests, or to contemplate getting together with them, or to seek to fulfill the need that I'm not getting at home. If I were divorced, there would be no taboo associated with any of that, but I'm not divorced, for the reasons listed above.
Yes, I'm a man who wants his cake and to eat it too. And so yes, I've strayed outside my marriage. I'm a cheater if that label suits you. Hand me my scarlet letter and I'll paste it on my forehead. This blog IS that scarlet letter.
And I tell you that the times I've strayed have provided me with more memories, more fantasy fulfillment, and more excitement in a bedroom than 5 lifetimes would provide me in my current relationship. So, I'm not sorry. If that makes me a bad man, I'm a bad man. I found what I needed outside my marriage. I'd do it again.
I'm sure many of you are demonizing me now, condemning me for being selfish, for not thinking about my wife's feelings, for being the kind of asshole that every rom-com likes to portray as the villain. I might lose some of you as friends or contacts or whatnot because you'll see me as the kind of callous dickhead you've been trained to loathe. If that happens, it will be a shame, but I still won't apologize for what I've done or what I may do in the future.
Look folks, I'm trapped. I'm not asking for sympathy or for advice, just for some understanding. If I stay, I'm dead inside, unless I emotionally or physically cheat to feed the monster inside me. And if I go, I'm a selfish homewrecker thinking only with my cock instead of thinking of the family I'm destroying.
I wish I could say it feels good to share all this, but it doesn't. I thought it would. Instead, I find myself getting defensive, as I anticipate negative fallout. (In truth, I'm not sure how many will even read this, but in my head, everyone on the TMF has read it as soon as I publish it.)
So I'll accept it if people here judge me negatively for what I've done. I'll accept it if women keep a wide berth from me. I have my scarlet letter. I'm not going to lie about it. I'm not going to misrepresent who I am...not to you people. I do plenty of that right now to my wife.
Soooo, I guess that's it. Oh, at the risk of coming across as an ever bigger douche bag than some of you might think of me now, I will kindly ask that all constructive advice on how to save my marriage be directed to the circular file. There is nothing left to save. It either continues as it is, or it ends. Those are the only two choices. And I while I've pondered that second choice before, especially if we've just had some kind of blowout, it weighs heavily on my mind again. Because geez, I'm almost 45...maybe I've waited long enough to live the lifestyle I really want to live. And if I make that decision, I'll just have to do everything in my power to make sure I keep the love of my kids. That's the one price I'm unwilling to pay for my own happiness.
Thanks for reading.
I've been married for over 14 years to a woman who does not share my fetish. She is aware that I have this fetish, and I suppose in the earliest years of our marriage (pre-children), she was willing to indulge me as far as to have a tickling video playing on the TV while we made love, but in terms of her ever personally indulging me in this part of who I am, she's ticklish but doesn't like to be tickled, so that really hasn't been an option. Once children came into our lives, our sex life went into the toilet (and I know this is not unique to my marriage or to marriages involving one fetishist and one non-fetishist). For a myriad of reasons that are not worth detailing here, suffice it to say that what little passion there was between us has long been gone. I wish you, the reader, could understand how difficult it is for me to state something like that, because it means that every day I continue to stay married, I'm living a hollow lie.
So why do I stay married, you ask? The three beautiful children sleeping in their beds as I write this is why. I'm guessing there are those of you out there who are divorced with children, and perhaps you might have some words of advice for me that might help give me clarity. I'm certainly not unique in being a man in a marriage that isn't working who sticks around because he wants to be with his kids. And maybe I'm not doing them or myself any favors by staying. I don't have the playbook for this in front of me. All I can say for sure is I don't want to be a Dad who is estranged from his children, or who is hated by his kids because he chose to leave and ruined everyone's lives.
The reasons to stay (which is what I've been doing for years) are numerous. I see my children all I want. I live in a nice home in a nice neighborhood (vs probably needing to find myself some small 1 bedroom apartment where I live alone 90% of the time). I enjoy all the benefits of 'being married'; the social acceptance of friends and neighbors, the lack of pressure of trying to start over in finding a new relationship, the financial advantages of not having my income fractured into supporting two sets of lives, etc. And for 14 years...no, longer than that...I was married in 2002, but I joined the TMF in 2001, so that tells you that even before I tied the knot, I was already pursuing my inner passions outside of my marriage...for 15+ years I've been supplementing this supposed ideal lifestyle by 'getting my fix' behind her back.
The reasons to leave are easy to state, but hardly easy to act upon. I'm almost 45 years old, and I still dream of a day when I can live my life without any sneaking or hiding. I might never have a relationship with a woman who is my perfect match, and I don't need to elaborate here what that means. You all know what I'm talking about. She has to be everything I'm looking for physically, emotionally, psychologically, and spiritually. In reality, she probably doesn't exist, and if she does, the chances of my finding her and ending up with her living this dream life has got to be the slimmest of slim. Way too many variables there to expect it all to just fall into place like I'd hope. So if I know that, why throw away my comfortable (albeit hollow) life at home and take a chance on such a long shot?
The answer is in the question, because there is a chance, no matter how remote. But how long does a person hold onto a dream before they either give up on it or just do it already? I'm getting older, and while the salt-n-pepper hair might appeal to some, and there is wisdom and emotional maturity that comes with age, I'm no longer in my prime, no matter how much I'd like to dispute that. I might have missed my window of opportunity already. Starting to ramble here...I did warn that might happen.
You might be asking why I got married in the first place to a woman who did not share my fetish. The answer is I put other priorities in front of my fetish. I was nearing 30 years old and I wanted a family before I was too old to enjoy them. I didn't want to be some old dad who can't bend over to pick up his young child. I found a woman around my age who I was comfortable with. I don't think there was every electricity between us (at least not from my end), but she was easy to be with, and I thought that was all I needed. For 15 years, I've settled for that.
I was active here in the early years. I don't think the chat room existed yet in those days. I primarily spent my time writing fiction for the TMF. It was my way of expressing my fetish, and I wrote enough to warrant my own archive forum I guess. Either that speaks to the quality of my writing, or the sheer volume that I was churning out.
I drifted away from the TMF for close to a decade though once I discovered Second Life. In Second Life, as the name implies, I lived out a virtual existence, one in which I was free to be the guy I could not be in my First Life. That is where I discovered role playing, and learned a lot about D/s, and through my virtual avatars, I acted out just about every fantasy my pervy mind could come up with. And I have a few people to thank for that...they know who they are, and if they are reading this, THANK YOU!
But I didn't like who I was in Second Life. I was spending too much time plugged into my virtual life and not spending much time on my First Life. It became a huge time suck (much like the TMF has become for me over these past few weeks). I pulled myself away from SL a few times but I always returned. I think I'm finally gone for good from there (though I should never say never), but the fetish in me is not so easy silenced. It didn't take more than a few months before I found myself back here, diving in head first into this escape from my reality.
And that's the thing. My fetish consumes me. I can pretend it doesn't. I can zombie walk through the next 30 years of marriage pretending I don't have it, and I'll be a miserable fuck the entire time. Obviously, I go to places like the TMF and SL because there is a need in me that isn't being met. If anyone can understand that, I'm hoping it's this crowd.
Ah, but I'm married, don't forget that. And because I'm married, it is wrong for me to pursue interests outside my marriage. It is wrong to flirt with women who share my interests, or to contemplate getting together with them, or to seek to fulfill the need that I'm not getting at home. If I were divorced, there would be no taboo associated with any of that, but I'm not divorced, for the reasons listed above.
Yes, I'm a man who wants his cake and to eat it too. And so yes, I've strayed outside my marriage. I'm a cheater if that label suits you. Hand me my scarlet letter and I'll paste it on my forehead. This blog IS that scarlet letter.
And I tell you that the times I've strayed have provided me with more memories, more fantasy fulfillment, and more excitement in a bedroom than 5 lifetimes would provide me in my current relationship. So, I'm not sorry. If that makes me a bad man, I'm a bad man. I found what I needed outside my marriage. I'd do it again.
I'm sure many of you are demonizing me now, condemning me for being selfish, for not thinking about my wife's feelings, for being the kind of asshole that every rom-com likes to portray as the villain. I might lose some of you as friends or contacts or whatnot because you'll see me as the kind of callous dickhead you've been trained to loathe. If that happens, it will be a shame, but I still won't apologize for what I've done or what I may do in the future.
Look folks, I'm trapped. I'm not asking for sympathy or for advice, just for some understanding. If I stay, I'm dead inside, unless I emotionally or physically cheat to feed the monster inside me. And if I go, I'm a selfish homewrecker thinking only with my cock instead of thinking of the family I'm destroying.
I wish I could say it feels good to share all this, but it doesn't. I thought it would. Instead, I find myself getting defensive, as I anticipate negative fallout. (In truth, I'm not sure how many will even read this, but in my head, everyone on the TMF has read it as soon as I publish it.)
So I'll accept it if people here judge me negatively for what I've done. I'll accept it if women keep a wide berth from me. I have my scarlet letter. I'm not going to lie about it. I'm not going to misrepresent who I am...not to you people. I do plenty of that right now to my wife.
Soooo, I guess that's it. Oh, at the risk of coming across as an ever bigger douche bag than some of you might think of me now, I will kindly ask that all constructive advice on how to save my marriage be directed to the circular file. There is nothing left to save. It either continues as it is, or it ends. Those are the only two choices. And I while I've pondered that second choice before, especially if we've just had some kind of blowout, it weighs heavily on my mind again. Because geez, I'm almost 45...maybe I've waited long enough to live the lifestyle I really want to live. And if I make that decision, I'll just have to do everything in my power to make sure I keep the love of my kids. That's the one price I'm unwilling to pay for my own happiness.
Thanks for reading.
