I had dinner with my father tonight.. alone.. at a restaurant.
He said some very harsh things to me.. 95% of which he's right about.
My father is upset.. because.. he feels I have not pushed myself.. to attempt to really secure employment.. etc, and I have allowed setbacks to paralyze me. I've posted how I was ignored by my former company with my business pitch to them. Between that, and Maria not wanting to be with me seriously, it's left me feeling lower than low.
He is not demanding that I suddenly go from working 0 hours a week.. to 40 or 60. What he wants.. is part time.. 20 hours a week, and volunteer work. While I need the money, he's also upset because he feels I'm sitting in the house, vegetating, and thinking.
While he did say that he;s going to take me to the monument company to get my mom's stone printed up, he upsets me, because he still talks about how he could have put her in the street, and also doesn't get what his role in this was, by not discussing my future with me in my 20s., Additionally, he is still justifying his family, and how they would "Help" me, including my uncle, if I allowed it,. Er.,. no..
He accused me of being "terrified", and said he doesn't think I'm lazy. The crazy thing is.. I don't know why I'm terrified. I love to take chances. I've always worked in my own businesses, and still want to have a business, and don't look to.. say.. the security of a 30 year government job., I'm also, as everyone on here who has read my posts knows.. a gambler, and love to go to the casino. If I look for a job, and get rejected, try again.
My father also said that he thinks I should have a partner, and not be alone. He.. somewhat vulgarly.. used the word "You should have a fuck buddy". Er.. no.. definitely not.. Not ready. I think it's not fair to a girl.. or even to myself, for me to even contemplate being with someone when I'm like this. I need.. a job.. a business.. something to make myself..attractive.. so someone would have a reason to be with me. This is not to mention, of course, what he has no idea about.. my fetishes.
Job, business, volunteer work, another friend or two.. yes. A woman.. no.
It was almost like.. to use one of my stupid baseball analogies.. a team that should at least be a .. contender.. being lectured strongly by their coach, because they are languishing deep in last place.
While he mentioned how he "Could have left me in Lancaster to die", he also said this wasn't a lecture to threaten that he's kicking me out of the apartment., How he will turn his back on me, is if I don't try.
I asked him for one thing: If I live up to my agreement to at least look for work.. to please help me put together a presentation with the business I really want to do.. to get an investor.. so even if I end up with an awful job, that its not "Forever" with that job.
Part of the problem, I have, is guilt. While I don't have suicidal thoughts, I keep asking myself, and God, why I'm still alive, and why my mom is dead, and feeling that I don't have a right to live or enjoy anything, because she's gone.
While I wish he would acknowledge his part in not helping me with my future in my 20s, he doesn't seem to be doing that. I cant stay fixated on that.. I know I have to live today.
My aunt thinks that if I secure work, even part time.. he will help me get an investor for my business. I hope she;s right.
On Monday, I'm going to take my imperfect resume, and look.
I broke down several times during dinner tonight. It's embarrassing. Normally I like to control my emotions in public.
Maybe I also stupidly feel that ..even though he doesn't admit their behavior to me, that because the reconciliation with his extended family was a disaster, so will everything else be.. I know I cant think that way.
My father's message basically was "I (He) have lived my life, and had my success. It's you that has yet to carve out your life. You have a shot, and so far you've blown it".
Another thing that;s unusual..
As I've posted.. (Even though he denies it). His family, my uncle, the cousins, etc, hate my guts, and would love to see me end up a failure, on SSD, or homeless. My mom always used to say "The best revenge is success".. Which should motivate me to want to become successful.. to stick it to all these people. In college this wasn't a problem. I was successful, and they couldn't stand it, which is why they wanted nothing to do with me.
By doing this, I'm not only hurting myself, but playing into my enemies hands.
I'm going to have to suck it up. Part time job.. and volunteer work.. I can do.. If I cant do that, then I really have problems. I know I can.. I'm just going to have to.,
I ask that any replies please not be attacking. I broke down during dinner, and am feeling lower than low. Hopefully, if I start to do this, even if I don't have a "Girlfriend" or "Fuck Buddy".. or "Ladder Buddy", I can start to feel better about myself.
He said some very harsh things to me.. 95% of which he's right about.
My father is upset.. because.. he feels I have not pushed myself.. to attempt to really secure employment.. etc, and I have allowed setbacks to paralyze me. I've posted how I was ignored by my former company with my business pitch to them. Between that, and Maria not wanting to be with me seriously, it's left me feeling lower than low.
He is not demanding that I suddenly go from working 0 hours a week.. to 40 or 60. What he wants.. is part time.. 20 hours a week, and volunteer work. While I need the money, he's also upset because he feels I'm sitting in the house, vegetating, and thinking.
While he did say that he;s going to take me to the monument company to get my mom's stone printed up, he upsets me, because he still talks about how he could have put her in the street, and also doesn't get what his role in this was, by not discussing my future with me in my 20s., Additionally, he is still justifying his family, and how they would "Help" me, including my uncle, if I allowed it,. Er.,. no..
He accused me of being "terrified", and said he doesn't think I'm lazy. The crazy thing is.. I don't know why I'm terrified. I love to take chances. I've always worked in my own businesses, and still want to have a business, and don't look to.. say.. the security of a 30 year government job., I'm also, as everyone on here who has read my posts knows.. a gambler, and love to go to the casino. If I look for a job, and get rejected, try again.
My father also said that he thinks I should have a partner, and not be alone. He.. somewhat vulgarly.. used the word "You should have a fuck buddy". Er.. no.. definitely not.. Not ready. I think it's not fair to a girl.. or even to myself, for me to even contemplate being with someone when I'm like this. I need.. a job.. a business.. something to make myself..attractive.. so someone would have a reason to be with me. This is not to mention, of course, what he has no idea about.. my fetishes.
Job, business, volunteer work, another friend or two.. yes. A woman.. no.
It was almost like.. to use one of my stupid baseball analogies.. a team that should at least be a .. contender.. being lectured strongly by their coach, because they are languishing deep in last place.
While he mentioned how he "Could have left me in Lancaster to die", he also said this wasn't a lecture to threaten that he's kicking me out of the apartment., How he will turn his back on me, is if I don't try.
I asked him for one thing: If I live up to my agreement to at least look for work.. to please help me put together a presentation with the business I really want to do.. to get an investor.. so even if I end up with an awful job, that its not "Forever" with that job.
Part of the problem, I have, is guilt. While I don't have suicidal thoughts, I keep asking myself, and God, why I'm still alive, and why my mom is dead, and feeling that I don't have a right to live or enjoy anything, because she's gone.
While I wish he would acknowledge his part in not helping me with my future in my 20s, he doesn't seem to be doing that. I cant stay fixated on that.. I know I have to live today.
My aunt thinks that if I secure work, even part time.. he will help me get an investor for my business. I hope she;s right.
On Monday, I'm going to take my imperfect resume, and look.
I broke down several times during dinner tonight. It's embarrassing. Normally I like to control my emotions in public.
Maybe I also stupidly feel that ..even though he doesn't admit their behavior to me, that because the reconciliation with his extended family was a disaster, so will everything else be.. I know I cant think that way.
My father's message basically was "I (He) have lived my life, and had my success. It's you that has yet to carve out your life. You have a shot, and so far you've blown it".
Another thing that;s unusual..
As I've posted.. (Even though he denies it). His family, my uncle, the cousins, etc, hate my guts, and would love to see me end up a failure, on SSD, or homeless. My mom always used to say "The best revenge is success".. Which should motivate me to want to become successful.. to stick it to all these people. In college this wasn't a problem. I was successful, and they couldn't stand it, which is why they wanted nothing to do with me.
By doing this, I'm not only hurting myself, but playing into my enemies hands.
I'm going to have to suck it up. Part time job.. and volunteer work.. I can do.. If I cant do that, then I really have problems. I know I can.. I'm just going to have to.,
I ask that any replies please not be attacking. I broke down during dinner, and am feeling lower than low. Hopefully, if I start to do this, even if I don't have a "Girlfriend" or "Fuck Buddy".. or "Ladder Buddy", I can start to feel better about myself.
