Worst Tarot Card Reading Ever.

I realize that I have very few excuses left. I'm a big boy, you see. I'm almost 27 years old. I rarely wet my pants anymore, I never throw my applesauce up against the wall, and the only reason I cried at my last birthday party was because the clown wore scary makeup.


And since I'm an adult, I've had to put childish things aside, as St. Paul put it. Namely the idea of a risen Christ who was the only begotten Son of Our Lord, as St. Paul put it. I've had to let go of my religious beliefs, my imaginary friends, and also Santa Claus, the Easter Bunny, John McClane and space ninjas. I must live my life in the full, stark knowledge that fantastical, phantasmagoric things simply cannot, do not exist in this world. Since adopting this attitude, I find my life is both enhanced in some ways (I no longer agonize over whether my impure thoughts may doom me to an eternity of savage torture), and dimished in some ways (I can no longer seriously hope for the space ninjas to extend an invitation for me to join them on Planet Zebulon). The closest thing I have to a religious or transcendent experience these days is the smell a freshly opened bottle of bourbon emits (and sweet moustachioed Jesus, just the memory sends shivers up my penis).

Yet I must confess to one latent susperstition: I own, and still occasionally use, a pack of Celtic tarot cards. Bought during a period of my youth when I was somehow smart enough to know that the Bible was utter bullshit, and yet naive enough to think that factory-printed playing cards may have held some mystical quality, these cards represent my one remaining, embarrassing allegiance to any sort of spiritual curiosity I may have had.

And because I'm slightly shittered tonight, I decided to whip them out for the first time in almost four years and see what happens. Note: if this blog should be cut off suddenly, it's probably because Inanna the Earth Goddess is pissed that I waited this long to to return her phone calls. FYI, she's got a thing for ass-to-mouth, too.

Step One: Choose a significator. The significator represents me. I pick the Knight of Swords, because fuck you, you don't get to be the Knight of Swords, they're my cards and I get to be the fucking Knight of Swords, biatch!

Step Two: Cut and shuffle the pack. Since it's been so long since I touched these cards, I need to reaquaint them with my energy. I tuck them in my shirt for 30 minutes while watching Mad Men. Ha, this is a good episode, too. Don Draper is getting investigated by the FBI, Roger loses the Lucky Strike account, and Joan has an abortion. Oh Joan, when will you learn that you need my erection in your life if you are to be happy?

Step Three: Lay out the cards. I'm using a spread called the Celtic Cross, which my tarot handbook assures me "Is one of the most well-known and useful spreads. It will provide definite answers to questions and shows the past, present and future pattern of events." Technically I think I'm supposed to ask the cards a question, but I think that the cards should be able to tell from being next to my heart for the last 30 minutes what my most pressing issues are. And if they don't, fuck them, after all these years they never learned how to listen!

The Spread: The Celtic Cross means that every single card has a different meaning, based on its position. I have to turn them over in sequence, and then examine each card for its individual significance, as well as its significance within the cross. In commercial Tarot reading, this is what's known as the ' 'gratuitous bullshitting' phase. But since I'm doing this reading myself, I won't be blowing sunshine and happy feelings up my own ass. I already have bourbon for that.


Card 1: "This card placed over the significator shows the prevailing influence. It also represents the nature of the querent." I don't know who you're calling querent, tarot book, but I'll play your little game. I pick The Hierophant, and he's upside down, or 'inverted' as we say in tarot speak. A flip through my book and here's what I find out about myself: "A resentful attitude exists concerning a partner or current situation in the life of the querent. Greed, self-indulgence and not listening to reason can be the root cause of the matter." Huh. So, that's me. I'm not off to great start.

Card 2: "This card shows the opposing forces or matters which require positive action." This card is laid across the first one, 'crossing' it both literally and figuratively. Whatever this card is, it is my sworn enemy. I pick The Star.

"The Star is a card of hope and a symbol of the universal beauty of nature." Oh, c'mon!

"It brings unexpected help and shows the way ahead is now more promising." So basically, I'm being thwarted by good fortune, beneficence, and nature itself. Is this tarot deck trying to tell me that I'm actually a supervillain?

Card 3: "This card represents the ideal solution, or what will actually be achieved - good or bad." I pick: The Queen of Coins. Now, I've seen this card before, so I know it symbolizes a mature, dark haired woman who's good with money. This bothers me a lot, since last time I saw her I ended up moving in with a mature, dark haired woman within six months. Then I ended up leaving her a few months later. Basically, this is telling me that I'm about to get back together with her...or else find a surrogate? Or it would be best if I found a surrogate, but I might not? Damn you tarot cards, give me some advice I can use!

Card 4: "This card is the heart of the matter and represents both past and present influences." I pick: The Devil. No, fucking seriously, that just happened. This is both my past and my present, according to these cards. Seriously, supervillain?

"Not a good card to draw at any time. At best it shows the querent is aware of a negative situation and is endeavouring to shake off the chains which bind him or her. It may be that an illicit love affair has been exposed and the querent is seeking to rectify the matter. Temptation is being resisted, but a difficult situation exists." I'll say, cards. For one thing THE FUCKING DEVIL is in charge of my past and my present! Bitches are the least of my concerns!

Card 5: "This card is a past and passing influence which no longer needs to be taken into account." So, a throwaway card. Let's see what I've moved past in my life: I draw The Wheel of Fortune. Seriously?

"It shows good fortune and the destiny of the querent looks very promising." Oh, and this too: "It shows a deeper understanding of the exact direction the querent is heading." Remember what I said about these cards painting a picture in conjunction with the other cards? What is this one turning into right about now? Fortune is my past, Satan is my present.


Card 6: "This card shows future influences which will occur shortly and remain in place for the coming year." I draw: The Lovers. Finally, a break. I...think?

"It brings together the best aspects of a partnership in both men and women." So, if I read this right, it basically this means I'm getting laid soon, or else I'm getting a sex change.

Card 7: "This card represents the position and attitude of the querent, how he or she is in fact responding to the situation." Basically, this is another 'me' card. I draw: The Knight of Cups.

This gets freaky sometimes, right? I mean, two cards that represent me, and they both just happen to be the Knight? Far out. Here's what it means: "The approach of a messenger or lover whose quiet manner does not reflect the nature of things. There is an intensity of secret passion and incitement. It also shows great imagination and vision."

I can't tell, is that a good thing or not? Considering I'm being predominantly influenced by the Devil and good fortune is apparently my bane, I hesitate to rejoice just yet.

Card 8: "This card shows the home and environment of the querent, also family influence and matters of a domestic nature." I draw: The Ten of Cups, inverted. Hmm. You have to look for patterns in these things, and that's two Cups in a row. Cups mean women. These cards are telling me that my future will involve women. Hmm, maybe this reading isn't so bad after all.

"False illusions and promises. A waste of natural resources."

Fuck you, cards! I won't have you telling me that my domestic environment is waste of resources! $900 a month plus utilities for a shitty one-room apartment with no parking and a mould problem is a perfectly reasonable deal!

Card 9: "This card will pick up the hopes and fears of the querent, which may be contrary to the question asked." I pick: The Empress, inverted.

"It can mean doubt of own worth, also idleness and ignorance. The querent may be experiencing some difficulties in expressing the finer qualities or skills necessary to adjust to life." Those don't sound like hopes to me, sports fans. Come on cards, give me something positive here. I'm already a resentful, unlucky, broke, misguided motherfucker who's under the influence of both women and the Devil. Obviously I'm insecure about it. At this point you're as much help as the Haitian lady who screams incantations at me every time I call her 900 number.


Card 10: "This is the most important card in the spread, and requires special attention and focus." Holy shit. Here we go. "It shows the final outcome and can be used as a follow-on card in a second spread to clarify detail." There's no way my sanity could handle a second spread right now, cards, but let's do this thing. I draw: Judgement.

"A time of personal choice or being able to make a personal decision unhindered. A change of position often means a new residence or a totally new career. A final decision is made which is singularly crucial to the querent and will fall in his or her favour. It indicates a time to put one's house in order and settle outstanding debts."

Yes, it does seem I have a crucial decision to make: do I continue to subject myself to this rhetorical, meaningless bullshit, or do I chuck these damn things out my window and into the street?

Actually, I think I'll wait for the mature dark-haired woman to enter my life so I can ask her while we bone. 😀