Mister Scruff
1st Level Orange Feather
- Joined
- May 25, 2008
- Messages
- 2,048
- Points
- 0
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Bernard Trevor Matthews, a true Norfolk dumpling, passed away yesterday at the age he was when he died which I can't be arsed to look up or work out. 110 minus 30 is 80, so he was 80. Or 79. I'm not sure.
Mr Matthews, a true maestro of melleagris, was a former livestock auctioneer and Royal Air Force conscript who began his turkey farming business at the age of 16 after deciding not to continue his education despite winning a scholarship to the prestigious City of Norwich school, known locally as 'that school across the road'. Despite living a life bedevilled by a chronic, crippling speech impediment known as 'having a Norfolk accent' Matthews never allowed himself to be held back, living his life to the fullest in the fastest lane possible; poultry farming. The expertise he gained in the field of turkeys and turkey products led him to a great fortune and international reknown; the highlight of his career came in 1964, when Matthews was invited to meet president Nikita Kruschev to aid the Soviets in modernising their poultry industry. Many claim that Matthews passed various secrets, including the secret recipe for Turkey Twizzlers, to Kruschev during this meeting, but this was strenuously denied by his family. "All they talked about was turkey", his son, Dave, told Scruff News, "Turkey, and the positioning of RAF Fylingdales relative to the UK's eastern coast. Birds and geography, same topics you'd hear any two blokes in any pub in the world discussing."
Matthews and his company found themselves embroiled in scandal when, in 2007, an outbreak of H5N1 avian influenza was traced back to the company's plant in Holton, Suffolk. Investigations confirmed that the contamination occured at 'Comrade Matthew's Glorious Proleteriat Workshop For Production Of Turkey-Like Substance For Use In Foodstuffs' site in Kuzkinamat, Hungary. Matthews was once again forced to deny involvement with Communism, and rubbished suggestions that the contamination was ideologically motivated. "My company accepts no responsibility for this", he said at the time, "I mean really; how are we supposed to know that our Singaporean slaves have bird flu if the fucking snakeheads don't tell us? Sometimes you wonder what exactly it is we pay these people for."
Matthews is survived by his company, his wife, probably some kids, and his fucking stupid catchphrase.
tldr; some farmer from Norfolk died. Now here's a video of the world's greatest owl:
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Bernard Trevor Matthews, a true Norfolk dumpling, passed away yesterday at the age he was when he died which I can't be arsed to look up or work out. 110 minus 30 is 80, so he was 80. Or 79. I'm not sure.
Mr Matthews, a true maestro of melleagris, was a former livestock auctioneer and Royal Air Force conscript who began his turkey farming business at the age of 16 after deciding not to continue his education despite winning a scholarship to the prestigious City of Norwich school, known locally as 'that school across the road'. Despite living a life bedevilled by a chronic, crippling speech impediment known as 'having a Norfolk accent' Matthews never allowed himself to be held back, living his life to the fullest in the fastest lane possible; poultry farming. The expertise he gained in the field of turkeys and turkey products led him to a great fortune and international reknown; the highlight of his career came in 1964, when Matthews was invited to meet president Nikita Kruschev to aid the Soviets in modernising their poultry industry. Many claim that Matthews passed various secrets, including the secret recipe for Turkey Twizzlers, to Kruschev during this meeting, but this was strenuously denied by his family. "All they talked about was turkey", his son, Dave, told Scruff News, "Turkey, and the positioning of RAF Fylingdales relative to the UK's eastern coast. Birds and geography, same topics you'd hear any two blokes in any pub in the world discussing."
Matthews and his company found themselves embroiled in scandal when, in 2007, an outbreak of H5N1 avian influenza was traced back to the company's plant in Holton, Suffolk. Investigations confirmed that the contamination occured at 'Comrade Matthew's Glorious Proleteriat Workshop For Production Of Turkey-Like Substance For Use In Foodstuffs' site in Kuzkinamat, Hungary. Matthews was once again forced to deny involvement with Communism, and rubbished suggestions that the contamination was ideologically motivated. "My company accepts no responsibility for this", he said at the time, "I mean really; how are we supposed to know that our Singaporean slaves have bird flu if the fucking snakeheads don't tell us? Sometimes you wonder what exactly it is we pay these people for."
Matthews is survived by his company, his wife, probably some kids, and his fucking stupid catchphrase.
tldr; some farmer from Norfolk died. Now here's a video of the world's greatest owl:
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