Any experience of long-term successful relationship with non-ticklish partner?

[Sketch Zero]

Hey all. This is mostly a cathartic "put pen to paper" attempt at processing but I hope to get some experience-based input from those who would share it.

I've been seeing a young woman and she is wonderful: kind, creative, clever, funny, beautiful, sexy. I really enjoy spending time with her, swapping booze, sharing recipes, roasting movies. The other day I ventured to be a little more physical and discovered that she is not ticklish -- at all! I felt disappointed when I found out (as of course I had fantasized reducing her to a giggly mess), but I was surprisingly less disappointed than I felt I would be... if that makes sense. I have long felt that tickling is a huge part of my sexual identity, but at that moment, it didn't seem to matter so much.

This is such a different problem from my typical concerns of "what if my partner isn't into it?" because in this case it's not a preference or opinion but a physical impossibility. In fact, she told me a couple times while I was testing for sensitive spots that she really wished she were ticklish.

My gut feeling is that I want to keep this going! She's such a lovely person and I really feel like we've got a good thing on. I feel like maybe tickling doesn't necessarily have to be as big a deal to me as it has seemed for the past 25+ years, and that maybe with the right person I won't even really miss it. I feel like ending things now just because of this one aspect of a relationship would be really premature. And at the same time in the back of my head is the quiet but insistent worry that if we do stick together for something more long-term, then sometime in the future I'm going to find that my kink has become an incessant itch that can't be scratched. I feel worried that maybe I won't feel fulfilled, or that she might internalize a sense of guilt of being literally incapable of doing anything about it. Or both. I don't want that for either of us. I also don't want to be so risk-averse that I fail to foster what could be a wonderful bond.

Maybe I'm too far in my own head right now. I'm still processing -- like I said, this is mostly cathartic.

Many folks here would say I should just cut and run. I've seen advice like that a lot here. I've read how some of you have ended long-term relationships, including marriages, due at least in part to lack of fulfillment caused by your partners' inability or unwillingness to indulge you in your fetish. (And that's why I feel frustrated and disheartened; I believe that if she could wave a magic wand and make herself the most ticklish woman on the planet, she'd do it... but there is no magic wand.)

I don't remember reading anything on the other side of the scale though.

Has anyone here made a long-term relationship work in spite of kink incompatibilities? I mean, I believe that all relationships require compromise. And I know that everyone's situation is different and ultimately no one can answer this but myself and my partner. I guess I want to know, if you did make it work and have been satisfied with the results, how have you done it? And what was that process like for you and your partner?

Thanks. I think I'll be ruminating on this for quite a while. I appreciate your thoughts.

 

[Myriads]

Sex is only one of many aspects in a relationship. And how important it is among all of them is unique to you. But all the other pluses may more then outweigh it for you.

Good relationships are hard to find. And unless you think this lack is non negotiable in the long run, you should by all means enjoy the relationship.

Myriads

 

[porcelaindoll2]

My husband is ticklish, but he doesn't like to be tickled, so I am not allowed to tickle him. We're in an open marriage, so I just tickle other people plus the people I tickle during my pro sessions. I personally don't understand monogamy and I doubt I ever will, but to each there own. I just feel if you're partner isn't fulfilling your sexual desires, but you really truly love them you should be able to find it elsewhere.

 

[magic fingers]

Are you 100% ler? Maybe she'd be willing to tickle you(assuming you're ticklish, and willing to be a 'lee)

 

[Tenebrae]

I have been in a relationship before with a girl whose feet were not ticklish. It was a maaaaaaaajor bummer for me, yet we had a good 1+ year relationship before we broke up for reasons unrelated. I don't regret a thing.

It may not qualify for you, because she was not 100% not ticklish though. Her upper body was crazy sensitive, so it kind of compensated. Come to think of it, I wonder if the very harsh way in which I used to torture the poor girl during our games was not a way to vent out my frustration of not being able to tickle her feet efficiently. I did not think of it back then, because she loved being pushed to begging anyway, but it may have been the case.

I have never dated a non-ticklish girl. It is a problem for me if I get no response when I tickle a girl, it feels like a major kind of incompatibility. So I usually check before starting a relationship; if they are not ticklish at all, I avoid them~

IF YOU ARE ALREADY IN A RELATIONSHIP though, it is not quite the same thing. It seems to me like a trivial reason to end it, because as you said (and Myriads pointed out) sexuality is merely a part of the whole relationship AND all relationships require compromise.

As for marriage... I know Americans have always been very liberal towards this, but it is supposed to be a commitment for life, for better of for worse, etc... It is an extremely powerful thing, to tie one's existence to another for life and found a family. I cannot imagine myself swearing such an oath only to recant later because "Yeah, you know, you are not ticklish, so...". I mean, it is easy enough to find out beforehand whether that's gonna be a problem or not, right?

 

[IHaveAFetish]

5 years and running....

 

[the tickleshow]

I hate to admit this, but for me, not being ticklish is a deal breaker. I've tried to have relationships with women who weren't ticklish and I was left frustrated. It just doesn't work, for me.

 

[kralizec]

I wonder how common it is to find completely not ticklish people (if anyone knows). I would say move on.

 

[maniactickler]

I wonder how common it is to find completely not ticklish people (if anyone knows). I would say move on.

I'm the King of finding non ticklish women. its mind boggling how I do it.

 

[Wade]

Though my wife is ticklish (not quite as bad as I am however), I've dated a number of women who weren't ticklish in the least. In fact, now that I think of it, I've dated more un-ticklish women than I have women who were even just a little ticklish. This circumstance, of course, has fostered relationships in which my partner was thus free to tickle me into hysterics with complete impunity.

 

[the tickleshow]

I've been in 5 relationships that lasted between 7 months and 7 years. Of the 5, two women were extremely ticklish, all over. One had extremely ticklish armpits, but non ticklish feet and the other two were moderately to not-at-all ticklish. I've dated many other women, in the short term. I'd say the non-ticklish ones outnumbered the ticklish ones by at least 3 to 1. The last dozen women I've met and gone out with in the last year have all been NOT ticklish, except for one. Seems oddly disproportionate.

 

[ticklish2011]

This is what I wanted to write last week...

Is tickling important for your choices?

http://www.ticklingforum.com/showthread.php?281037-Is-tickling-important-for-your-choices

very good topic.

 

[Mrcool]

Its not important to me, I have friends who are ticklish so My partner does not need to be

 

[Sensualswitch10]

I'm the King of finding non ticklish women. its mind boggling how I do it.

Perhaps the really ticklish ones instinctively know to run and hide from you lol.

I don't think I could do a long term relationship with a partner who either wouldn't let me tickle her or worse, wasn't ticklish at all. Of all the women I've dated, I honestly can't recall one who wasn't ticklish, at least a little. I guess I'm like Tenebrae insofar as I test for tickles in the early courtship phase and if she's not ticklish at all, ABORT! ABORT!

 

[maniactickler]

I think its just that there really aren't a high percentage of extremely ticklish women out there. its depressing.

 

[Sensualswitch10]

I think its just that there really aren't a high percentage of extremely ticklish women out there. its depressing.

The fact that there are ANY women out there who aren't ticklish at all hurts my soul

 

[Sketch Zero]

Hey all, thanks for sharing your thoughts on this!

Myriads, you make some very good points. I feel worried that though it doesn't seem non-negotiable now, it may (unbidden) become so in the future. But worry isn't the same as certainty, so maybe it's best to just let it ride for now. I'll keep your words in mind.

porcelaindoll2, I've read much about (though not yet participated in) polyamorous/open relationships. It's definitely something for me to consider (and bring up) in the future!

magic fingers, I'm like 90% 'ler, would love to experiment with being a 'lee but I think I'm not very ticklish. I was always able to just muscle through any tickling in past relationships and used it as an excuse to go full 'ler, but I'm receptive to exploring. In fact, when I tried tickling this young lady, she looked and me and said, "Are you trying to tickle me? 'cause I'm not ticklish... I wish I was!" and then she started trying to tickle me back. She asked if I was ticklish and I said, "A little bit, I think" and she's like "That's what people say when they're really ticklish!" So who knows, maybe she'll be down to explore a bit herself!

Tenebrae, I definitely let myself get invested before testing the tickling waters (the nature of my work makes me overly cautious about unsolicited touching), so I guess I can blame myself for this dilemma! And yes, compromise is key. I'm not particularly attached to the institution of marriage but I'm also not keen on tossing away something good for something that may turn out not to be a dealbreaker. Thanks for helping me process!

IHaveAFetish, congrats and well done! I wonder if you have any particular reflections on your relationship you'd be willing to share?

the tickleshow, thank you for your candor. Having never been in this situation before I had assumed that to be the case for myself as well. I'm hoping it's not the case but I'm aware of it being a possibility, and your testimony to that end is very welcome. Those numbers are a little disheartening on one hand, but on the other hand, maybe it means my current problem isn't so uncommon?

krazilec, it's a first for me, that's for sure! Thank you for your advice. Have you had any experience with this type of situation?

maniactickler, that must be very frustrating for you. How have you dealt with it?

Wade, I think I might find that kind of scenario kind of exciting, though not (for me of course) ideal! Thank you for sharing your experiences.

ticklish2011, thanks for linking (and starting) that thread. It was one of several that I read before I decided to post my particular question.

Mrcool, glad to hear that that's working for you! If I may be so bold as to pry a bit, may I ask how your partner feels about it?

Sensualswitch10, I commiserate with you on the sad reality that some of us folks aren't ticklish. If I had experimented before attachment I might not be running in mental circles right now!

Once again all, thank you for sharing your experiences, thoughts, opinions and advice. I'm gonna keep pondering this and in the meantime keep furthering the relationship. Who knows -- it might be a blast without tickling, it might turn into something more open, or maybe the stars will align and I'll find some kind of spot she isn't aware of. I mean, I haven't even touched her feet yet, so who knows?

 

[Myriads]

Myriads, you make some very good points. I feel worried that though it doesn't seem non-negotiable now, it may (unbidden) become so in the future. But worry isn't the same as certainty, so maybe it's best to just let it ride for now. I'll keep your words in mind.

Relationships are living breathing things. Over time they grow and change in response to the people in them and the needs of both. You are very correct that what is allowed at one point may not at an another. But if your relationship is a good and healthy one, you'll always have input into such changes and see why they are being looked for.

As I said good relationships are much harder to come by then one expects in life. I'll also say that being sexually satisfied is an important aspect of life also. The question you face is if you can be satisfied sexually without tickling, through all the other possible options out there that are open with your partner or not. If you cannot see a way you'll be happy in this relationship without tickling being a part of it then you should move on. But if otherwise, then enjoy what you have found, and see if other things are more valuable to you then tickling, and if you can indeed find pleasure in other ways too.

Nothing is ever writ in stone. And evolution is the natural path for all interactions. Those that stagnate also tend to die.

Best of luck.
Myriads

 

[Tenebrae]

Tenebrae, I definitely let myself get invested before testing the tickling waters (the nature of my work makes me overly cautious about unsolicited touching), so I guess I can blame myself for this dilemma! And yes, compromise is key. I'm not particularly attached to the institution of marriage but I'm also not keen on tossing away something good for something that may turn out not to be a dealbreaker. Thanks for helping me process!

You are welcome. I have participated in many such threads, and it is always nice when the OP takes the time to individually thank every person who tried to help. Just one thing I would like to clarify: I did not allude to non-consensual all out aggression of any female you have an interest for, which may indeed end up with her suing you afterwards. But a few tickles while wrestling, playing sports, dancing, partying, posing for a picture, whatever, is always possible even in the most uptight circumstances. And the thing is, it is often during such occasions that men and women start romancing each other, so it creates good opportunities to test one's ticklishness before committing with someone you seem to like. That's what I meant.

And like Myriads said: good luck!

 

[chicago]

Personally ive never been able to feel satisfied in a relationship without it but everyone is different. It sounds like youve got a good thing going so congrats

 

[Legit Tickling]

I hate to admit this, but for me, not being ticklish is a deal breaker. I've tried to have relationships with women who weren't ticklish and I was left frustrated. It just doesn't work, for me.

I have to agree on this, too.

 

[EmbraceSerenity]

Most of the guys I have been with havent been really ticklish, or said they were, only for me to find they arent really. As a lee it doesnt matter too much though - its more about me finding someone who is a) good at tickling and b) enjoys doing so and if they are ticklish - its also nice as I do enjoy the occasional tickle fight back. Of the relationships that failed I dont think the lack of tickling played a part, it was just a lack of intimacy in general, but i am now in a happy relationship with a vanilla who not only indulges me but seems to love getting me too. And i dont even feel like, man i wish he would tickle me.

Its early days for you so i would carry on as normal, but as you get more serious you will know if its a dealbreaker or not. If theres other ways to get you going (maybe fondle her breasts, massage her) maybe that is something you could explore
more without needing or having the desire to tickle.

 

[Mrcool]

Thanks, my newest partner thought it was odd at first. But then she realized that my relationship with my mates goes back alot, so she is like "what the hell, it does not affect our love life".

 

[tickltulz]

I think its just that there really aren't a high percentage of extremely ticklish women out there. its depressing.

Well you may be right on that. There really aren't many ticklish females or males for that matter in the community at all. I often roll my eyes at parties because it's like all male lees and faking it badly. The ladies who do indulge as lees are rare and are less than ticklish. They can handle it. In my book if they can handle it then it's not really tickle torture is it?

For about five years I dated this girl that I really adored. She indulged me and was ticklish but it would wear off after a few minutes. It lost it's allure so for a time I didn't even try tickling her. It's a shame because we were pretty good on every other level. But be careful what you pray for. After her and I broke up I went to a heavy duty play party and met the honest girl of my dreams who is extremely ticklish and into bdsm so it worked out far better.

 

[LusciousLisa]

I was in a relationship for 2 years and he wasn't into tickling at all. I was bummed because it's something I love and feel that I should be able to enjoy with someone but we got along great for those 2 years. It wasn't the lack of tickling that ended it either. I'm sure it's possible but very difficult and frustrating if tickling is something you crave.