I've been dating this guy for about two months now and he's absolutely amazing. The only thing that isn't amazing....is that he's not into tickling. I've told him that I really like it and how much it turns me on and he still doesn't really get into it. We talkead about it a little more the other day and he kind of starting tickling me, but he quit after like 2 seconds. Does anyone have any advice about how to get him to understand how much it means to me, and how much I want and need it? I don't want to freak him out, so we haven't really talked about bondage and stuff yet, but that's a huge part of it too. I need some help!!!
You're at a crucial point right now. There is no secret formula for bringing him on board. You have to communicate to him how you feel. That sounds like an easy answer, but it may be the hardest thing you ever do, and here's why.
Generally speaking, men are known to be notorious for not sharing their feelings, where women are more inclined to do so.
Generally speaking.
But when it comes to communicating sexual (and particularly fetish) desires and needs, I've observed for years that the opposite is true. Men tend to spell things out.
I like tits, ass, and pussy! But women tend to clam up and expect the men to "figure out" where their buttons are. It's a cultural thing. "Nice" girls don't talk like that. Women are reluctant to open up and tell their prospective partners what turns them on because they don't want to be perceived as slutty or whorish. Again, I'm speaking in general terms, and there will be some women reading this who are the exception rather than the rule.
For generic sex (commonly referred to derogatorally as "vanilla"), this cultural communication coyness doesn't significantly impede the process. Most guys know what goes where, and if they don't, they'll eventually learn by trial and error.
But with a fetish that's strong enough to be necessary for any meaningful sex, the coyness won't work. The guys will not likely hit upon it by trial and error. Even if you mention it to them, it likely won't sink in enough to penetrate what they think they already know about women.
No, this type of communication needs to happen when you are both clear of mind and free from distractions, not as things are heating up on a date. Perhaps sitting at the kitchen table over coffee. It needs to be introduced in a way that your partner understands you have something very serious you want to talk to him about. Explain it from start to finish. Explain it in a way that presumes he knows nothing whatsoever about fetish or alternative sexual activities. Share some personal history of when and how you began to realize how deeply you're affected by tickling. Finally, make it clear to him that tickling is something that's absolutely necessary for you to be sexually fulfilled.
Most importantly, you must explain it in a way that doesn't make him feel like an idiot for not realizing what was going on. Don't make him feel like he's now on the hot seat and had better learn to perform or else. Us guys can be sensitive about that kind of thing. Assure him that it's okay if he doesn't immediately know the best way to tickle you - that you're willing to give it time for both of you figure out what works best. Let him know that above all else, you care about him, too, and want him to enjoy your special time together.
If you can have this conversation with him, and if he care's about you at all, I'd say you have a 95% chance he'll be more than happy to accommodate your needs. Most guys want to be able to satisfy their women, and would soak up this information like a sponge.
I know it may be difficult, but it is crucial, not just for this guy, but guys you meet in the future. If you can't or won't overcome your reluctance to have this conversation with him, the consequences are huge. You'll likely end up like some I've seen, even in this very thread who have developed a xenophobia toward "vanillia" people and have restricted their potential partners to that minute fraction of the population who already shares their fetish.
Trust me, you don't want that. As a defense mechanism against their persecution complexes, some of these people have decided to look at their fetish as an "enlightenment." Consequently, they view those not into the fetish as unenlightened. I heard one woman refer to them as the "unwashed masses." I kid you not. And so you'll hear things like
I need somebody who understands my fetish. Vanillas just don't get it. I need somebody who's up here at my level.
Personally, I find such attitudes arrogant and self-aggrandizin, not to mention unrealistic. Vanilla people have the same capacity for sensitivity and intelligence as fetishists. It doesn't take a rocket scientist to understand that action X excites partner erotically, if it's explained to them in plain English.
My advice is to have that conversation. Get it out of the way. You've nothing to lose and everything to gain.
Whatever you decide, I hope it works for you.
DAJT
PS: Have a happy new year!
