Cheating, Pleasure, Happiness and Love

[Littlechambers]

To save the long read: I would love to hear how other's who crave the T word from multiple parties have handled/adjusted/assessed monogamy or alternative relationships. Cheating, or exploring your sexuality/identity to find your happiness?
My thoughts below if anyone is interested - but question above is the shortened topic at hand


I've recently had a lot of discussion around what is cheating when it comes to Fetish and Kink.
I think partially because I always thought - if this is arousing then it is cheating if I create, encourage, pursue it.
I know a lot of people have different opinions - I don't want to start any arguments in this thread - but I'm feeling a little lost lately.

I'm a highly sexual person. Most of my joy in life has come from arousal.
I can be aroused by the sound of someone's voice, or their choice of words. I can become aroused by an expression on someone's face, or even an activity that would generally be considered non-sexual.

The main arousal I tend to experience is from the T word (outside of actual sex).

I am aroused by co-workers, by friends, by books, by people I see on the street. I don't tell people this - I don't want anyone to feel uncomfortable.
It's not to the point where I cannot function. I can concentrate on things like work and TV and looking after my pets etc.

However, when it comes to the T word I seem to lose some of that control. The truth is that I like the loss of control, it makes it more.... intense. However, I crave it from places outside of my relationship. I think in some ways it feels less like a desire, and more like a need. It makes me feel better inside. It makes me feel excitement, and eases my anxieties and depression. It is unpredictable and uncertain when you are with someone new.

I 100% love and am committed to my partner.

I think sometimes I can love other people as well, but I know my partner is the constant. I want to experience everything with him and share my whole life with him.

Yet not everything can be about what I want or need. Other people have feelings and needs too. I know this. I know my partner so well, he doesn't want me being intimate with other people. The T word is highly intimate for me. It is the thing that makes my knees go weak. I cannot think clearly. I am overridden with lust and it's this desperate gaping need that just begs me to fill it up.

I am opening communications with my partner, but I fear hurting him. How can I assure him that he is the love of my life, whilst also in the next breath saying - but I want to be aroused by other people? I want to enjoy torture with people who are new, different, crueler, or softer... I can fall in love and like over and over and over and over again, but you are my soul mate, the one I have chosen to be with forever.

Is it simply that I cannot have both lives? I need to pick a path and stay on it?

I think I would be more devastated to lose my partner, who I love, but I would still feel sorrow to never experience the heights of pleasure that I am certain would exist if I became free to pursue them. That being said, even if I were to choose pleasure over love, I don't think I could ever be fulfilled with a broken heart.

I hear myself saying - I just want to feel good. I just want to feel better. I just want to feel joy. One day I will die, one day I will feel pain and sickness and loss again, and again... so I just want to feel good if I can, now.

It's like this narrow tunnel of dialogue that is constant and pulling me closer and closer to giving in. My partner makes me feel good, makes me feel better, yes - but just because that's not enough, doesn't mean that *he's* not enough. He is very good at playing the Ler for me, perhaps it is a fault on my end that I am never satisfied or constantly craving. I am basically walking lust when I'm not fearing death. Lust and arousal are the only things I've successfully harnessed in the face of my anxieties. Helpless arousal is the only power I have to ease the aches and pains and sufferings. I much rather pleasure over fear, especially in a life that is so short and so absolute in its mortality.

I love my partner completely - but just feeling a bit lost.
This is just a flow of consciousness post, apologies if it is long and strange.

I would love to hear how other's who crave the T word from multiple parties have handled monogamy or alternative relationships

 

[torturoustickle]

Wow, super open and honest. Well done!
Tickling is a powerful aphrodisiac for a lot of people. Great pleasure can be gained from being agonisingly ticklish and unable to prevent or control being tickled. Denying that pleasure can be extremely hard, frustrating, and make you question a lot of things as you are now doing.
It is absolutely not my place to hand out relationship advice. I do however wish you luck in speaking to your partner. You are not the first to face this dilemma, and certainly won't be the last. Maybe he will be more understanding and receptive then you think.
I'm sure he understands your devotion to him, and feels the same way. Compromises and mutually beneficial agreements can always be made.
Cheers and good luck.

 

[ChaosEdge]

May have to consider a different partner. If one considers leaving current situation, would be preferable to be upfront in regards to having other women/ partners on a regular rotation.

If you're really set on monogamy, your options are uncomfortable and limited. Personally would prefer to find another partner.

 

[ChicagoDavid]

I have to disagree with ChaosEdge. Life is imperfection. Sounds like you will not be 100% satisfied no matter what (that is not a judgment). You've got an awesome partner, whose flaw (to your perspective) is, he wants you all for himself, but you want to experience others while saving the last dance for him. I would show him your post and ask him what he thinks - I doubt you could say it any better than in that post. If that does not change his view, you have three options: accept his limitation; choose a different partner; or sneak out and hope you don't get caught. I don't know which is best!

 

[WheresThe Clip?]

First of all (before you make any drastic decisions) you have to ask yourself, are there a load of Lers out there waiting for you (because many of us struggle to even find/connect with one in our lives) ? Perhaps you should count yourself lucky with what you have.

If there is then the best thing you can do is cheat, and keep that going for as long as you can until your partner finds out (and maybe he won't). The problem of course is people aren't happy doing that, but insist on dumping their guilt on their partner with the big confession. Which of course equals upset all round and the big break up.

 

[Nedward]

Life is short and the world is full of other people. Just be honest.

 

[TickleYeti]

In the same boat...

To save the long read: I would love to hear how other's who crave the T word from multiple parties have handled/adjusted/assessed monogamy or alternative relationships. Cheating, or exploring your sexuality/identity to find your happiness?
My thoughts below if anyone is interested - but question above is the shortened topic at hand


I've recently had a lot of discussion around what is cheating when it comes to Fetish and Kink.
I think partially because I always thought - if this is arousing then it is cheating if I create, encourage, pursue it.
I know a lot of people have different opinions - I don't want to start any arguments in this thread - but I'm feeling a little lost lately.

I'm a highly sexual person. Most of my joy in life has come from arousal.
I can be aroused by the sound of someone's voice, or their choice of words. I can become aroused by an expression on someone's face, or even an activity that would generally be considered non-sexual.

The main arousal I tend to experience is from the T word (outside of actual sex).

I am aroused by co-workers, by friends, by books, by people I see on the street. I don't tell people this - I don't want anyone to feel uncomfortable.
It's not to the point where I cannot function. I can concentrate on things like work and TV and looking after my pets etc.

However, when it comes to the T word I seem to lose some of that control. The truth is that I like the loss of control, it makes it more.... intense. However, I crave it from places outside of my relationship. I think in some ways it feels less like a desire, and more like a need. It makes me feel better inside. It makes me feel excitement, and eases my anxieties and depression. It is unpredictable and uncertain when you are with someone new.

I 100% love and am committed to my partner.

I think sometimes I can love other people as well, but I know my partner is the constant. I want to experience everything with him and share my whole life with him.

Yet not everything can be about what I want or need. Other people have feelings and needs too. I know this. I know my partner so well, he doesn't want me being intimate with other people. The T word is highly intimate for me. It is the thing that makes my knees go weak. I cannot think clearly. I am overridden with lust and it's this desperate gaping need that just begs me to fill it up.

I am opening communications with my partner, but I fear hurting him. How can I assure him that he is the love of my life, whilst also in the next breath saying - but I want to be aroused by other people? I want to enjoy torture with people who are new, different, crueler, or softer... I can fall in love and like over and over and over and over again, but you are my soul mate, the one I have chosen to be with forever.

Is it simply that I cannot have both lives? I need to pick a path and stay on it?

I think I would be more devastated to lose my partner, who I love, but I would still feel sorrow to never experience the heights of pleasure that I am certain would exist if I became free to pursue them. That being said, even if I were to choose pleasure over love, I don't think I could ever be fulfilled with a broken heart.

I hear myself saying - I just want to feel good. I just want to feel better. I just want to feel joy. One day I will die, one day I will feel pain and sickness and loss again, and again... so I just want to feel good if I can, now.

It's like this narrow tunnel of dialogue that is constant and pulling me closer and closer to giving in. My partner makes me feel good, makes me feel better, yes - but just because that's not enough, doesn't mean that *he's* not enough. He is very good at playing the Ler for me, perhaps it is a fault on my end that I am never satisfied or constantly craving. I am basically walking lust when I'm not fearing death. Lust and arousal are the only things I've successfully harnessed in the face of my anxieties. Helpless arousal is the only power I have to ease the aches and pains and sufferings. I much rather pleasure over fear, especially in a life that is so short and so absolute in its mortality.

I love my partner completely - but just feeling a bit lost.
This is just a flow of consciousness post, apologies if it is long and strange.

I would love to hear how other's who crave the T word from multiple parties have handled monogamy or alternative relationships

Pretty visceral writing and somewhat encouraging to hear I am not the only one. I think the imbalance comes from the spouse not being *into* something. They can try their best, but if they aren't into it, any time they spend as a Ler is going to be lacking. In my case I got married very young (stupidly young) before either of us knew ourselves and what we want, she is hyper conservative and intensely jealous with borderline NPD. I am open and kinky and wanting to explore and experience everything, but we also have two kids so in essence I feel very trapped...

I know this doesn't much answer your question, but at least maybe it helps to know others out there are in the same boat? I'd love to hear how you proceed with handling this and will happily share as my situation develops too if you are so inclined?

Most importantly, know that your happiness matters too! I don't believe anyone else can be responsible for making us happy, ya know and if you aren't looking out for yourself as well, then who will?

 

[MrMacphisto]

To save the long read: I would love to hear how other's who crave the T word from multiple parties have handled/adjusted/assessed monogamy or alternative relationships. Cheating, or exploring your sexuality/identity to find your happiness?
My thoughts below if anyone is interested - but question above is the shortened topic at hand


I've recently had a lot of discussion around what is cheating when it comes to Fetish and Kink.
I think partially because I always thought - if this is arousing then it is cheating if I create, encourage, pursue it.
I know a lot of people have different opinions - I don't want to start any arguments in this thread - but I'm feeling a little lost lately.

I'm a highly sexual person. Most of my joy in life has come from arousal.
I can be aroused by the sound of someone's voice, or their choice of words. I can become aroused by an expression on someone's face, or even an activity that would generally be considered non-sexual.

The main arousal I tend to experience is from the T word (outside of actual sex).

I am aroused by co-workers, by friends, by books, by people I see on the street. I don't tell people this - I don't want anyone to feel uncomfortable.
It's not to the point where I cannot function. I can concentrate on things like work and TV and looking after my pets etc.

However, when it comes to the T word I seem to lose some of that control. The truth is that I like the loss of control, it makes it more.... intense. However, I crave it from places outside of my relationship. I think in some ways it feels less like a desire, and more like a need. It makes me feel better inside. It makes me feel excitement, and eases my anxieties and depression. It is unpredictable and uncertain when you are with someone new.

I 100% love and am committed to my partner.

I think sometimes I can love other people as well, but I know my partner is the constant. I want to experience everything with him and share my whole life with him.

Yet not everything can be about what I want or need. Other people have feelings and needs too. I know this. I know my partner so well, he doesn't want me being intimate with other people. The T word is highly intimate for me. It is the thing that makes my knees go weak. I cannot think clearly. I am overridden with lust and it's this desperate gaping need that just begs me to fill it up.

I am opening communications with my partner, but I fear hurting him. How can I assure him that he is the love of my life, whilst also in the next breath saying - but I want to be aroused by other people? I want to enjoy torture with people who are new, different, crueler, or softer... I can fall in love and like over and over and over and over again, but you are my soul mate, the one I have chosen to be with forever.

Is it simply that I cannot have both lives? I need to pick a path and stay on it?

I think I would be more devastated to lose my partner, who I love, but I would still feel sorrow to never experience the heights of pleasure that I am certain would exist if I became free to pursue them. That being said, even if I were to choose pleasure over love, I don't think I could ever be fulfilled with a broken heart.

I hear myself saying - I just want to feel good. I just want to feel better. I just want to feel joy. One day I will die, one day I will feel pain and sickness and loss again, and again... so I just want to feel good if I can, now.

It's like this narrow tunnel of dialogue that is constant and pulling me closer and closer to giving in. My partner makes me feel good, makes me feel better, yes - but just because that's not enough, doesn't mean that *he's* not enough. He is very good at playing the Ler for me, perhaps it is a fault on my end that I am never satisfied or constantly craving. I am basically walking lust when I'm not fearing death. Lust and arousal are the only things I've successfully harnessed in the face of my anxieties. Helpless arousal is the only power I have to ease the aches and pains and sufferings. I much rather pleasure over fear, especially in a life that is so short and so absolute in its mortality.

I love my partner completely - but just feeling a bit lost.
This is just a flow of consciousness post, apologies if it is long and strange.

I would love to hear how other's who crave the T word from multiple parties have handled monogamy or alternative relationships

I don't want to come off as judgmental here, but it sounds like monogamy is not a good match for you. It sounds like you need an "open" relationship. Your partner doesn't sound like he's interested in that, so that can be a problem.

In short, you'll have to decide which is more important for you -- keeping the relationship functional and healthy but refraining from "cheating", or moving on from the relationship while pursuing your desires. The only other option is for your partner to accept having an open relationship, but that's not an easy thing for most people to agree to.

I personally haven't had a problem with this kind of situation, because my libido tends to be low.

 

[Libertine]

Not the best of compromises due to pecuniary necessity, but a prodom/domme may be what you need as a safety valve. If everything else in your relationship is perfect, you wish it to continue and your only real problem the lack of variety a visit to one of the (sensibly) legal brothels in your country might provide a stopgap solution. Emotional involvement would also not be a problem because while your visit would be a bit different for whichever worker you choose to hire on a particular day, ultimately you're a client so nothing else would be required from you and nothing else offered outside the premises.

They'll keep your secrets; all you have to do is exercise the same discretion at home. There's no guilt involved if you pay for something and leave it behind you, so nothing need be mentioned at home. I realise women in general find it more difficult to compartmentalise but (strictly speaking) at least you're not getting romantically or sexually involved with anyone else.

Have a think and if it's OK with you give it a try.

 

[Hiphophooray2]

I would think long and hard before you have a sit down / tell All discussion with your feller. Once you open that can , it can't be unopened.

 

[rdhd]

Wife and I have been together 40+ years. She knows I'm into tickling, she doesn't like it. Do I like that? No. could I go out and find someone to satisfy my tickling desire? Probably. But, I value my wife more than my desires.