Thank you JamMan43, for starting a thread discussing the topic of depression and the potential for it to lead to suicidal thoughts, and even completed suicide, when left untreated. I agree that in the wake of Robin Williams death I too have been more mindful of this disease and having a strong reaction emotionally to it. It just hits so close to home for me.
Much like the personality of Robin Williams, my own father (who is now deceased), my brothers, and I have always utilized cracking jokes and laughing to mask pain, fear and deep sadness. Humor is like a drug to us and runs in my family.
When we get together everyone is a comedian. But it isn’t funny because on the surface there are huge Italian gatherings full of awesome food, much laughter and what appears to be lots of love but it is all superficial and based on pain from lies and secrecy.
Though I love many members of my family, they are primarily comprised of deceitful, secretive, cold people.
And though I take full responsibility for my own adult choices, I would be remiss to deny the impact of being raised in an environment that pummeled me from toddler-hood with a fundamental propensity to grow up and live the same way.
I have done many things I am not proud of and deeply regret. Yes, I have been hurt badly by people too but nothing wreaked such havoc on my entire being as being confronted with the pain that I have caused. I have hurt people I loved and I can never change it, I know I can only change who I am now and in the future, but I still found it so difficult to live with myself. Even though it was unintentional, paired with the loss of my relationship caused me to become severely depressed. Hence, the suicidal thoughts emerged.
I did not want to talk to anyone about it. I rejected the opportunity to reach out for help. There was nothing anyone could have said to me that could change what I had done. Nothing anyone could say or do to take back the hurt I caused. So I believed that killing myself was the only answer to protect anyone else I might hurt ever again as well as to stop the piercing pain of the empty hole I felt in my entire being.
That was perhaps the first time I ever felt peaceful with the decision to end my life. I was relieved. Recognizing this symptom from my background in psychology I immediately saw my doctor, located a therapist and started treatment. I didn’t yet want to “feel better” but I wanted to want to, so I did it for my daughter until I felt like I wanted it for me.
If anyone is still reading this, thank you…I don’t know exactly why we need others to know our stories, I just know that sometimes I do.
Anyway, I digress, the worst is behind me, I think. The heavy feelings of despair are gone and though I still have a long way to go I think I am doing okay these days.
The scary thing about deep depression though is that the times that it hits the deepest seem to be the times that we are the least likely to call someone or reach out for help. When I reach that point, I truly want it to end not because “I want to stop living” but because I want to stop the pain and know of no other way to do it that makes sense. Talking at that point seems pointless because what can anyone say or encourage me to say that I believe will make it better?
That is what depression makes us believe anyway. But it isn’t true. There is always a better solution to any and every problem than taking our own life. Depression just makes it virtually impossible for us to see it!
I know that many others can describe similar moments. Thank God if we are here reading this we have overcome each of those days and nights we experienced. Regardless of what stopped us; whether it was something or someone that simply interrupted us or whether we realized a reason for us to not actually take that step, we didn’t.
To ease the heaviness of this post I will leave you with an endearing experience I had with my daughter.
I had been having much stress dealing with my first ex (a very nasty, abusive man) and I had been trying to get away from him but he wouldn’t leave me alone. I was beaten up and exhausted. One night, I planned on taking my life after my baby girl had gone to sleep but I honestly was too physically exhausted to do it, and fell asleep instead. I remember thinking that I could do it in the morning; I was just too tired.
Morning happened, and my little girl walked into my bedroom, looking so adorable, carrying her lamb chop puppet in one hand and my toothbrush in the other She was explaining to me, in her way, how white she had gotten its teeth. “Lamb chop has no teeth, silly girl.” I told her. Her beautiful laughter and giggles as she smiled at me and crawled into my bed reminded me of how much she needed me. I wanted to live again. Suicide averted.
It was a long time before I considered suicide again. But for those of us who suffer with recurring depression, we are never totally out of the woods. That is why it is essential to build a force field of supportive, loving people around us while we are not depressed so that when it happens we have a safe place to crash.
Having said that, I do not really have that supportive force field myself but I want it, and that is a step of progress for me. If anyone ever needs a shoulder or ear please do not hesitate to contact me. I know how it is to feel alone. No one should ever have to feel that way. Thank you for reading.
Peace.
~margie
