I guess you could divide them into 3 categories: Classical, New, and Obscure.
CLASSICAL
George Carlin (Jammin' in New York; You Are All Diseased)
Bill Cosby (To Russell, My Brother Whom I Slept With)
Richard Pryor (Live In Concert; Live on the Sunset Strip)
Steven Wright (I Have A Pony)
Chris Rock (Bring the Pain; Bigger and Blacker)
Eddie Murphy (Eddie Murphy; Delirious; Raw)
Bob Newhart (yes, his stand-up WAS funny you heathens!)
Billy Connoly
D.L. Hughley
Cedric the Entertainer
Bruce Bruce
Dennis Miller (No Cure for Cancer)
NEW
Dane Cook (Harmful if Swalowed)
Lewis Black (The White Album; The End)
Margaret Cho (Notorious C.H.O.)
Ron White (The Blue Collar Comedy Tour)
Larry the Cable Guy (The Blue Collar Comedy Tour)
Dave Chappelle
Frank Caliendo
Dylan Moran
Ellen DeGeneres
Simone
Denis Blair
Godfrey
Rob Stapleton
OBSCURE
Patton Oswalt
"If you listened to metal music in the 80s, you're gay. Did you know that? You are gay. Those videos are gayer than 8 guys blowing 9 guys. You got 4 or 5 of these rockers in neon green and pink spandex with a vest and a shirt on--or a vest with no shirt on HEL-LOOOO! And they're rubbin' shoulders rocking out in a factory or a foundry, that just makes sparks, that's all tehy make is sparks, and then they'll cut to a bunch of women...MILES AWAY in like, an auto wrecking yard! And they're all thinking to themselves 'maybe we can get the guys in Skritti Pollitti to bone us, 'cuase we're not gettin' any from Jackyl with a Y'."
Zach Galiafinakis
"Why is it when women say things like 'Me and my girlfriend are going out to brunch"...no one says anything...but when I say something like, 'Me and my boyfriend are going out to buy fanny packs'...everyone thinks I'm a gay. That's right--A GAY!"
Vic Henley
"If we wanna win the war in Iraq, we have to use a different strategy. We can't just bomb anywhere, we have to pick the right target...like Graceland. That's what we should do, we should bomb Graceland and blame it on al-Qaeda. The next day the volunteer state of Tennessee will be converging on the Gulf in bass boats *EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE* 'you gon git it now al-Qayda! You messed with tha Kang! Soon as I find you on this depth finder, yer dead!'"
Mitch Hedberg
"I like to wear Do Not Disturb signs on my neck so kids can't tell me knock- knock jokes. They go 'knock-knock', I say 'Cant you read?!'"
"Yesterday, I helped a friend of mine stay put...it's less trouble than helping them move."
Jim Gaffigan
"Doesn't it bother you that when you're single, all you see are married couples, and when you're married, all you see are hookers?"
"Bottle water just seems like a big prank on America. I think a bunch of Europeans got together in Fance and said 'How dumb do I think the Americans are? I bet you we could sell them water my friends. No, no, seriously, we just put a picture of a mountain on it, and say it comes from a spring.'"
