Low_Roads
4th Level Black Feather
- Joined
- Nov 16, 2004
- Messages
- 8,918
- Points
- 38
It's been said that a woman's work is never done. Maybe that's why they get paid so much less than men.
When I was in elementary school I was constantly being suspended. The class bully liked to dangle me off the side of the building.
"I hear that your girlfriend burned the Christmas gift you gave her."
"That's right."
"Hope you're not too upset about it."
"Why should I be? It was a scented candle!"
I got engaged to a gal with a wooden leg, but that didn't last long. After a couple of weeks, I broke it off.
She: "Did you marry me just because my dad died and left me 10 million dollars?"
He: "Of course not! I'd have married you no matter who left you the money!"
For the past month, I've been having extremely vivid hallucinations. Not to worry, though; I'm currently seeing a psychiatrist.
Q: Which vegetable is most closely associated with the 20-ton Brontosaurus?
A: Squash.
I'll never understand Adam. A naked man living alongside a naked woman... and it takes an apple to tempt him?
Q: Who can hold five gallons of liquid without vomiting?
A: Jerry can.
My new electric car has a great radio! It plays all the current hits.
A hog breeder tried to create a more congenial kind of porker by phasing out its vulgar voice. All that did was make it disgruntled.
I wrote down all the things that had to be fixed on my boat. Bad idea... now it has a list.
Spell the word "drawer" backward. You're sure to get a reward!
I laid a large wager on a horse based on its excellent breeding. Boy, did that come back to bite me! Its breeding was too good... after it left the starting gate, it stopped to politely close it again.
Q: The eagles rescued Frodo and his friends many times, but was there another kind of bird that looked after Gollum?
A: Eagle-Smeagol!
A friend of mine got ill over the holidays so I dropped by, taking a few presents and a bottle of sherry. Fortunately, he was too woozy to stop me.
A behavioral researcher ventured into Amish country to test the limits of their patience. He started with a female subject and attempted to irritate her by stealing her horse. Sure enough, it drove her buggy!
I tried to write a novel about life and love onboard a transport boat. Turns out no one's interested in ferry stories anymore.
She: "So, what are you currently doing!"
He: "Working hard to make my second million dollars!"
She: "Wow! Your second million, eh?"
He: "Yeah. I gave up trying to make my first million years ago."
I make my traditional resolution regularly on the first, just like everyone else; it goes right in one year and out the other.
"Pirates weren't terribly literate. Very few of them could make it all the way through the alphabet."
"'Cause they couldn't make it past the 'C', right?"
"No... because most of them lost an 'I'."
People keep returning to New York on December 31st and its hard to figure out why. Year after year they keep dropping the ball!
* * *
When I was in elementary school I was constantly being suspended. The class bully liked to dangle me off the side of the building.
* * *
"I hear that your girlfriend burned the Christmas gift you gave her."
"That's right."
"Hope you're not too upset about it."
"Why should I be? It was a scented candle!"
* * *
I got engaged to a gal with a wooden leg, but that didn't last long. After a couple of weeks, I broke it off.
* * *
She: "Did you marry me just because my dad died and left me 10 million dollars?"
He: "Of course not! I'd have married you no matter who left you the money!"
* * *
For the past month, I've been having extremely vivid hallucinations. Not to worry, though; I'm currently seeing a psychiatrist.
* * *
Q: Which vegetable is most closely associated with the 20-ton Brontosaurus?
A: Squash.
* * *
I'll never understand Adam. A naked man living alongside a naked woman... and it takes an apple to tempt him?
* * *
Q: Who can hold five gallons of liquid without vomiting?
A: Jerry can.
* * *
My new electric car has a great radio! It plays all the current hits.
* * *
A hog breeder tried to create a more congenial kind of porker by phasing out its vulgar voice. All that did was make it disgruntled.
* * *
I wrote down all the things that had to be fixed on my boat. Bad idea... now it has a list.
* * *
Spell the word "drawer" backward. You're sure to get a reward!
* * *
I laid a large wager on a horse based on its excellent breeding. Boy, did that come back to bite me! Its breeding was too good... after it left the starting gate, it stopped to politely close it again.
* * *
Q: The eagles rescued Frodo and his friends many times, but was there another kind of bird that looked after Gollum?
A: Eagle-Smeagol!
* * *
A friend of mine got ill over the holidays so I dropped by, taking a few presents and a bottle of sherry. Fortunately, he was too woozy to stop me.
* * *
A behavioral researcher ventured into Amish country to test the limits of their patience. He started with a female subject and attempted to irritate her by stealing her horse. Sure enough, it drove her buggy!
* * *
I tried to write a novel about life and love onboard a transport boat. Turns out no one's interested in ferry stories anymore.
* * *
She: "So, what are you currently doing!"
He: "Working hard to make my second million dollars!"
She: "Wow! Your second million, eh?"
He: "Yeah. I gave up trying to make my first million years ago."
* * *
I make my traditional resolution regularly on the first, just like everyone else; it goes right in one year and out the other.
* * *
"Pirates weren't terribly literate. Very few of them could make it all the way through the alphabet."
"'Cause they couldn't make it past the 'C', right?"
"No... because most of them lost an 'I'."
* * *
People keep returning to New York on December 31st and its hard to figure out why. Year after year they keep dropping the ball!
