Low_Roads
4th Level Black Feather
- Joined
- Nov 16, 2004
- Messages
- 8,918
- Points
- 38
My wife wanted to go out dancing more often and told me to pick up a pair of proper pants for that purpose. I didn't know they even made special pants for dancing; the ones I got were a lot baggier than I expected. However, after I wore them once, I fully understood... they're specially designed for the ballroom.
"Hey mister, wanna buy a souvenir? George Washington's ax! Absolutely authentic!"
"That's not George Washington's ax!"
"Sure it is, sir! The very one he used to chop down that cherry tree!"
"But it looks brand new!"
"Of course it does, sir! It's had three replacement heads and twelve replacement handles since that time!"
I'm dead set against superstition! I've heard that believing in it is real unlucky!
Auto mechanic: "You're a heart surgeon, right? Seems to me that the engine of a car works a lot like the heart inside a person."
Heart surgeon: "Yes; I suppose you're right about that."
Mechanic: "How come you get paid so much more than I do, then?"
Surgeon: "Well, I imagine you'd be paid more too if the next time you worked on an engine, the car was still running."
I got real pissed off when I asked my girl for a blow job and got a hand job instead. It wasn't until later that I remembered she was deaf.
"Doctor, I'm concerned! I think my memory's failing me! I don't seem to be able to hold onto any specific thought for more than a few seconds at a time!"
"How long has this been happening?"
"How long has what been happening?"
I got my brains from my mom, but my good looks from my father! He's the best plastic surgeon in the state!
Q: Why are women and children allowed to leave a sinking boat first?
A: After a while, the sharks just aren't hungry anymore.
Turns out I was a winner at the state fair! The prize was only a hot dog but believe me, I relished it!
Farmer: "Hold it just a minute! I bought you new bulls to satisfy the females in my herd, but now that I see you I'm not sure you're up to the workload! None of you seem too steady on your hooves!"
Head bull: "Don't you worry, boss! We may be past our prime, but we can still do the job! We bulls wobble, but we don't fall down!"
My three-week break has rolled around and my wife is dead set on us taking a vacation. I say I'm bone tired after working so long and so hard and would prefer a staycation. We couldn't agree, so we settled for the third option: an altercation.
Salvador Dali's daily breakfast: a hardy bowl of surreal.
I never knew where toothpaste came from; imagine my fascination to learn that it's harvested! Yep, according to my wife, that's where everyone finds their toothpaste: in toilet trees!
Don't listen to that last guy. He has the story completely wrong. Toothpaste doesn't come from trees; it's a root crop, like potatoes or yams. Anyone familiar with the product has already heard the proper term applied: a tuber toothpaste.
Now I don't know what to think. My wife says trees, this guy says root crops... I was sure I had the right answer. It's so disillusioning... I'm Crestfallen.
Q: What's the final thing running through the mind of a man subjected to asphyxia?
A: Oxygen.
My court-ordered psychiatrist has decided that negative reinforcement is the most effect way to motivate me, so he spent the entire time delivering insults and contempt. I'd expected better but can't complain; these sessions are mandatory. I'm already signed up for another diss appointment.
Senior: "What grade did you get on your Spanish exam? I'm hoping it's an A!"
Junior: "C."
Senior: "Excellent! I knew you could do it!"
Most members enter our tennis club restaurant wearing their tennis togs. Me, I go dressed as a tennis ball... it's the quickest way to get served.
Hear about the farmer whose wife ran off with the tractor salesman? He received a John Deere letter.
My cousin Josh wants to get into the porno industry, but becoming a male sex star can be tough: he's liable to face a lot of stiff competition.
"I generally tell only short jokes. For a change, would you like a long one?"
"Sure!"
"Ooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooone."
* * *
"Hey mister, wanna buy a souvenir? George Washington's ax! Absolutely authentic!"
"That's not George Washington's ax!"
"Sure it is, sir! The very one he used to chop down that cherry tree!"
"But it looks brand new!"
"Of course it does, sir! It's had three replacement heads and twelve replacement handles since that time!"
* * *
I'm dead set against superstition! I've heard that believing in it is real unlucky!
* * *
Auto mechanic: "You're a heart surgeon, right? Seems to me that the engine of a car works a lot like the heart inside a person."
Heart surgeon: "Yes; I suppose you're right about that."
Mechanic: "How come you get paid so much more than I do, then?"
Surgeon: "Well, I imagine you'd be paid more too if the next time you worked on an engine, the car was still running."
* * *
I got real pissed off when I asked my girl for a blow job and got a hand job instead. It wasn't until later that I remembered she was deaf.
* * *
"Doctor, I'm concerned! I think my memory's failing me! I don't seem to be able to hold onto any specific thought for more than a few seconds at a time!"
"How long has this been happening?"
"How long has what been happening?"
* * *
I got my brains from my mom, but my good looks from my father! He's the best plastic surgeon in the state!
* * *
Q: Why are women and children allowed to leave a sinking boat first?
A: After a while, the sharks just aren't hungry anymore.
* * *
Turns out I was a winner at the state fair! The prize was only a hot dog but believe me, I relished it!
* * *
Farmer: "Hold it just a minute! I bought you new bulls to satisfy the females in my herd, but now that I see you I'm not sure you're up to the workload! None of you seem too steady on your hooves!"
Head bull: "Don't you worry, boss! We may be past our prime, but we can still do the job! We bulls wobble, but we don't fall down!"
* * *
My three-week break has rolled around and my wife is dead set on us taking a vacation. I say I'm bone tired after working so long and so hard and would prefer a staycation. We couldn't agree, so we settled for the third option: an altercation.
* * *
Salvador Dali's daily breakfast: a hardy bowl of surreal.
* * *
I never knew where toothpaste came from; imagine my fascination to learn that it's harvested! Yep, according to my wife, that's where everyone finds their toothpaste: in toilet trees!
* * *
Don't listen to that last guy. He has the story completely wrong. Toothpaste doesn't come from trees; it's a root crop, like potatoes or yams. Anyone familiar with the product has already heard the proper term applied: a tuber toothpaste.
* * *
Now I don't know what to think. My wife says trees, this guy says root crops... I was sure I had the right answer. It's so disillusioning... I'm Crestfallen.
* * *
Q: What's the final thing running through the mind of a man subjected to asphyxia?
A: Oxygen.
* * *
My court-ordered psychiatrist has decided that negative reinforcement is the most effect way to motivate me, so he spent the entire time delivering insults and contempt. I'd expected better but can't complain; these sessions are mandatory. I'm already signed up for another diss appointment.
* * *
Senior: "What grade did you get on your Spanish exam? I'm hoping it's an A!"
Junior: "C."
Senior: "Excellent! I knew you could do it!"
* * *
Most members enter our tennis club restaurant wearing their tennis togs. Me, I go dressed as a tennis ball... it's the quickest way to get served.
* * *
Hear about the farmer whose wife ran off with the tractor salesman? He received a John Deere letter.
* * *
My cousin Josh wants to get into the porno industry, but becoming a male sex star can be tough: he's liable to face a lot of stiff competition.
* * *
"I generally tell only short jokes. For a change, would you like a long one?"
"Sure!"
"Ooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooone."
