Low_Roads
4th Level Black Feather
- Joined
- Nov 16, 2004
- Messages
- 8,918
- Points
- 38
I ruined my car and put a woman in the hospital today. Damn MacDonald's and their drive-through window!
Teacher: "In today's Biology lesson, we're going to study the mechanics of flight. If I was interested in flying creatures, where should I look for the best specimen?"
Little Luigi: "For best specimen? Only one place to go: NASA."
For generations, my family has been plagued by genetic disorder... or, as we refer to it, hand-me-Down's.
Q: Why did the pirate chieftain cross the road?
A: That's where he wanted the treasure buried.
He: "Did you hear that? After I sang, the chorus master said I was a perfect tenor!"
She: "What he said was you'd be perfect ten or fifteen miles away from the music hall."
Christmas Past, to Christmas Future: "I have a Christmas Present for you!"
I asked Hermione if I could Slytherin to her Chamber of Secrets. She showed me the Gryffindor.
Two bowls of Jello sit in the fridge.
First bowl: "Hey, did that Cosby guy slip you anything?"
Second bowl: "Possibly. I feel a little wobbly."
Motto for Incel Olive Oil: "You can tell it's Incel! It's extra virgin!"
Russian police officer: "Hands behind your back, citizen! It's a crime to threaten President Putin!"
Russian citizen: "But you don't understand! I wasn't threatening President Putin! I was threatening President Zelensky!"
Russian police officer: "Don't be ridiculous! You were shouting, 'Hang the idiot!' Everyone knows who that is!"
My wife just bought a jar of whisky-flavored sex lube: both of us love a hard liquor.
Interviewer: "Santa, I'm sure all the kids would love to learn about your reindeer!"
Santa: "Well, the first thing you should know is that I named them all after memorable moments in their lives! Take Dancer, for instance... I'll never forget the big party he threw where he danced all night over the freshly fallen snow!"
Interviewer: "That's fascinating! How about Dasher?"
Santa: "Dasher's big party was a bit different. He spent all his time dashing around in the freshly fallen snow!"
Interviewer: "Isn't that cute! And how about Donner?"
Santa: "Son... you really don't want to hear about the Donner party."
Ever wonder why Soul Food is called Soul Food? The answer's simple: it doesn't contain any ginger.
Q: Chocolate and peanut butter are a classic combination! How did they first get together?
A: They hooked up at the candy bar.
Mom always said she loved me like the heavens above. That explains why we were never close.
COVID isn't the only disaster to come out of the Wuhan Lab... an early ill-advised experiment had them trying to gene-splice hogs with geese. Someone should have stopped them before swine flew.
Eat foil... sheet metal.
Grandpa: "Hey Billy! What has four legs but isn't alive?"
Grandson: "Ha ha! That's an easy one, grandpa! It's a chair!"
Grandpa: "No, Billy. It's your dog. I backed over him this morning."
When baby-sitting twins, it's important to tell them the whole fairy tale; you just can't tell them a part.
"May you live for as long as you want and not want for as long as you live!": Irish toast.
"L'chaim! (To life!)": Yiddish toast.
"Bread, eggs, cinnamon and syrup!": French toast.
Bread: the food of heroes! It rises to the occasion when it's most kneaded!
This is the time of year that I love to lounge in front of a roaring blaze, sipping at mulled wine while listening to soothing Christmas carols. It's also the time of year I lost my job with the fire department.
* * *
Teacher: "In today's Biology lesson, we're going to study the mechanics of flight. If I was interested in flying creatures, where should I look for the best specimen?"
Little Luigi: "For best specimen? Only one place to go: NASA."
* * *
For generations, my family has been plagued by genetic disorder... or, as we refer to it, hand-me-Down's.
* * *
Q: Why did the pirate chieftain cross the road?
A: That's where he wanted the treasure buried.
* * *
He: "Did you hear that? After I sang, the chorus master said I was a perfect tenor!"
She: "What he said was you'd be perfect ten or fifteen miles away from the music hall."
* * *
Christmas Past, to Christmas Future: "I have a Christmas Present for you!"
* * *
I asked Hermione if I could Slytherin to her Chamber of Secrets. She showed me the Gryffindor.
* * *
Two bowls of Jello sit in the fridge.
First bowl: "Hey, did that Cosby guy slip you anything?"
Second bowl: "Possibly. I feel a little wobbly."
* * *
Motto for Incel Olive Oil: "You can tell it's Incel! It's extra virgin!"
* * *
Russian police officer: "Hands behind your back, citizen! It's a crime to threaten President Putin!"
Russian citizen: "But you don't understand! I wasn't threatening President Putin! I was threatening President Zelensky!"
Russian police officer: "Don't be ridiculous! You were shouting, 'Hang the idiot!' Everyone knows who that is!"
* * *
My wife just bought a jar of whisky-flavored sex lube: both of us love a hard liquor.
* * *
Interviewer: "Santa, I'm sure all the kids would love to learn about your reindeer!"
Santa: "Well, the first thing you should know is that I named them all after memorable moments in their lives! Take Dancer, for instance... I'll never forget the big party he threw where he danced all night over the freshly fallen snow!"
Interviewer: "That's fascinating! How about Dasher?"
Santa: "Dasher's big party was a bit different. He spent all his time dashing around in the freshly fallen snow!"
Interviewer: "Isn't that cute! And how about Donner?"
Santa: "Son... you really don't want to hear about the Donner party."
* * *
Ever wonder why Soul Food is called Soul Food? The answer's simple: it doesn't contain any ginger.
* * *
Q: Chocolate and peanut butter are a classic combination! How did they first get together?
A: They hooked up at the candy bar.
* * *
Mom always said she loved me like the heavens above. That explains why we were never close.
* * *
COVID isn't the only disaster to come out of the Wuhan Lab... an early ill-advised experiment had them trying to gene-splice hogs with geese. Someone should have stopped them before swine flew.
* * *
Eat foil... sheet metal.
* * *
Grandpa: "Hey Billy! What has four legs but isn't alive?"
Grandson: "Ha ha! That's an easy one, grandpa! It's a chair!"
Grandpa: "No, Billy. It's your dog. I backed over him this morning."
* * *
When baby-sitting twins, it's important to tell them the whole fairy tale; you just can't tell them a part.
* * *
"May you live for as long as you want and not want for as long as you live!": Irish toast.
"L'chaim! (To life!)": Yiddish toast.
"Bread, eggs, cinnamon and syrup!": French toast.
* * *
Bread: the food of heroes! It rises to the occasion when it's most kneaded!
* * *
This is the time of year that I love to lounge in front of a roaring blaze, sipping at mulled wine while listening to soothing Christmas carols. It's also the time of year I lost my job with the fire department.
