Low_Roads
4th Level Black Feather
- Joined
- Nov 16, 2004
- Messages
- 8,918
- Points
- 38
Don't be stingy with your money: as little as twenty cents could give someone needy a whole new outlook! What, you never heard of a pair-o-dime shift?
My wife asked me to clear the kitchen table. I'd have made it too if only I'd timed my leap better.
Einstein's theory of physics successfully overthrew Newtonian physics in the early 20th Century. The assault was led by his battle commander, General Relativity.
Some people think the Three Stooges are too coarse, but I say you shouldn't disparage slapstick comedy; a journey of a thousand laughs begins with but a single misstep.
Q: Why did the gaslighter cross the road?
A: You got it all wrong! He was never really on your side!
My auntie always said, "I love Baskin & Robbins so much, I want to go there when I die!" Well, we got her off to a good start; first step was a trip the crematorium.
Q: Why did the Rebel forces welcome the participation of the Ewoks against the Empire?
A: They weren't as backward as they seemed; the Ewoks had long been known for their Endore plumbing.
"For his science project, my nephew constructed a model of the Matterhorn Mountain!"
"Is it built to scale?"
"Don't be ridiculous! You can't climb the damn thing! It's only 12 inches high!"
Last week was so traumatic: my car caught on fire and a fireman pulled me out just in time.
"How did it start?" the rescue worker questioned once he saw that I was unharmed.
"Well," I began, "as I recall, you first had to put a key into the ignition."
Waiter: "So, that's one order of spaghetti. Anything to go with it, sir?"
Musician: "Yes. You can bring me a percussion pastry."
Waiter: "Percussion pastry? I'm sorry... what's percussion pastry?"
Musician: "Drum roll, please."
We deserve a lot of credit for the way our marriage turned out: she's standard, I'm poor.
Q: 101 math teachers show up for a convention; the convention hall only has room for 100. How do you fit them all in?
A: Simple: you carry the one.
Q: Your wife makes meatballs for dinner. You scoop three onto your plate, which is just the right amount. However, your wife thinks you're too skinny and scoops you out a fourth. How do you finish them all without getting a bellyache?
A: Eat the extra one first; what's left will be just the right amount.
After my wife got her raise, she went to the beauty parlor and paid for a fancy hairdo. Then she bought herself new makeup and some pricy earrings. I knew it would happen... all that money's gone to her head!
Homeowner: "Hey! I gave you a numbered list of things I wanted fixed around here! You only worked on half of them!"
Handyman: "Like I told you before: I do odd jobs!"
A new company wanted me on their team; they offered me $50,000 a year to work for them. I told them to add a couple of zeros to that number and they had a deal. And that's exactly what happened; I currently make $50,000.00 a year.
Q: How do you know that your appetite for ice cream has turned into an addiction?
A: You constantly get the shakes.
My wife told me to break out the Christmas decorations. I wish she'd make up her mind; I just took the damn things down!
Christmas trees are fond of the past. That's because the present is beneath them.
It's accepted practice to remove your clothes in a doctor's office, right? Then how come the nurse got so bent out of shape when I suggested it?
Clyde: "Sarah, when are you going to learn to trust me?"
Ann: "The day you remember not to call me Sarah might make a good starting point."
Schrodinger's cat enters a bar and orders two saucers of cream, one to drink and one to go. The bartender observes, "Doing half your drinking at home, eh?"
"No," the cat replies. "That's for my buddy outside. He's the me who didn't come into the bar."
* * *
My wife asked me to clear the kitchen table. I'd have made it too if only I'd timed my leap better.
* * *
Einstein's theory of physics successfully overthrew Newtonian physics in the early 20th Century. The assault was led by his battle commander, General Relativity.
* * *
Some people think the Three Stooges are too coarse, but I say you shouldn't disparage slapstick comedy; a journey of a thousand laughs begins with but a single misstep.
* * *
Q: Why did the gaslighter cross the road?
A: You got it all wrong! He was never really on your side!
* * *
My auntie always said, "I love Baskin & Robbins so much, I want to go there when I die!" Well, we got her off to a good start; first step was a trip the crematorium.
* * *
Q: Why did the Rebel forces welcome the participation of the Ewoks against the Empire?
A: They weren't as backward as they seemed; the Ewoks had long been known for their Endore plumbing.
* * *
"For his science project, my nephew constructed a model of the Matterhorn Mountain!"
"Is it built to scale?"
"Don't be ridiculous! You can't climb the damn thing! It's only 12 inches high!"
* * *
Last week was so traumatic: my car caught on fire and a fireman pulled me out just in time.
"How did it start?" the rescue worker questioned once he saw that I was unharmed.
"Well," I began, "as I recall, you first had to put a key into the ignition."
* * *
Waiter: "So, that's one order of spaghetti. Anything to go with it, sir?"
Musician: "Yes. You can bring me a percussion pastry."
Waiter: "Percussion pastry? I'm sorry... what's percussion pastry?"
Musician: "Drum roll, please."
* * *
We deserve a lot of credit for the way our marriage turned out: she's standard, I'm poor.
* * *
Q: 101 math teachers show up for a convention; the convention hall only has room for 100. How do you fit them all in?
A: Simple: you carry the one.
* * *
Q: Your wife makes meatballs for dinner. You scoop three onto your plate, which is just the right amount. However, your wife thinks you're too skinny and scoops you out a fourth. How do you finish them all without getting a bellyache?
A: Eat the extra one first; what's left will be just the right amount.
* * *
After my wife got her raise, she went to the beauty parlor and paid for a fancy hairdo. Then she bought herself new makeup and some pricy earrings. I knew it would happen... all that money's gone to her head!
* * *
Homeowner: "Hey! I gave you a numbered list of things I wanted fixed around here! You only worked on half of them!"
Handyman: "Like I told you before: I do odd jobs!"
* * *
A new company wanted me on their team; they offered me $50,000 a year to work for them. I told them to add a couple of zeros to that number and they had a deal. And that's exactly what happened; I currently make $50,000.00 a year.
* * *
Q: How do you know that your appetite for ice cream has turned into an addiction?
A: You constantly get the shakes.
* * *
My wife told me to break out the Christmas decorations. I wish she'd make up her mind; I just took the damn things down!
* * *
Christmas trees are fond of the past. That's because the present is beneath them.
* * *
It's accepted practice to remove your clothes in a doctor's office, right? Then how come the nurse got so bent out of shape when I suggested it?
* * *
Clyde: "Sarah, when are you going to learn to trust me?"
Ann: "The day you remember not to call me Sarah might make a good starting point."
* * *
Schrodinger's cat enters a bar and orders two saucers of cream, one to drink and one to go. The bartender observes, "Doing half your drinking at home, eh?"
"No," the cat replies. "That's for my buddy outside. He's the me who didn't come into the bar."
