Low_Roads
4th Level Black Feather
- Joined
- Nov 16, 2004
- Messages
- 8,922
- Points
- 38
While driving through town, I came across a street sign near the park reading, "Caution: Children at Play". Cause for concern, certainly, but we needn't worry about it anymore... I soon broke that up.
When Walt Disney's workers constructed a smaller version of the Matterhorn mountain for his theme park, he had them take exactingly precise measurements. It would, after all, need to accommodate a certain number of expert climbers; this was one miniature that had to be built to scale.
Come with me to the gay bar, where one man's junk is another man's treasure!
Q: What happens if you yank on a square till it's stretched out of shape?
A: It becomes a wreck/tangle.
I just learned that the US is the only nation to use atomic bombs during wartime! Believe it or not, one of the American Presidents ordered them dropped on two Japanese cities! It's true, man!
Back in Hellenistic times, scholars would flock to Plato's Academy to gain wisdom and become better citizens. However, just like today, there was a certain segment of the student body more interested in boozing, pranking and chasing women. These wags didn't think of the institution as the Academy... to them, it was the Plato Fun Factory.
Many people find the sound of whale calls to be great stress relievers. I probably made a mistake playing them at a Weight Watchers meeting, though.
The Hulk's legacy ends with Bruce Banner Jr. ... he doesn't get mad, he gets even.
Every time my blonde girlfriend makes a microwave meal, she puts a copy of "GoldenEye" in the DVD player. It's all due to the box instructions... they read, "Pierce film before cooking."
"I may not be good with words, but people tell me I'm really great with numbers!"
"Yeah? How many people say that?"
"Oh, more than I can count!"
Q: The screech of an eagle will bounce off canyon walls in an impressive cascade of echoing. This works for every other breed of bird, too... all except the pidgeon. Why is that?
A: A coo sticks.
A tanker truck full of Calgon ran off the road and crashed into a body of water near a small New York village. You know the one I mean... Lake Flaccid.
Q: Which Hungarian composer had a right leg that was 3 inches shorter than his left leg?
A: Liszt.
Based on his last name, a lot of people assume that Santa Claus is German. Look him up online, though, and it says he's really Turkish. Either could be right, but I don't think so... if you study the Christmas stories carefully, it's obvious he's North Polish.
Europeans are so hypocritical! They go on and on about how superior the metric system is, but they still drink their tea in cups, not liters.
My brother is one of the most understanding border patrol agents on the force. He doesn't agree with people sneaking into our country, but he does know where they're coming from.
Q: What did the dinosaur husband do when his dinosaur wife mouthed off?
A: Velociraptor.
Two boll weevils grew up in the same cotton field. One of them went into politics and grew rich as a corrupt mayor... the other earned his living as a pickpocket, making considerably less money. That's because he was the lesser of two weevils.
If your wife urges you to join a nudist colony, don't deride her suggestion. The experience will doubtless bring you closer together! Even if is seems grueling, stick it out... the first few days will be the hardest.
Q: Which employee can't do his job until after he's been fired?
A: The Human Cannonball.
I asked my new girlfriend if she'd accompany me to church. Happily, she was amenable!
News reports say that Brittney Griner has just been traded for Viktor Bout. Just what we needed! Another guy in women's sports!
* * *
When Walt Disney's workers constructed a smaller version of the Matterhorn mountain for his theme park, he had them take exactingly precise measurements. It would, after all, need to accommodate a certain number of expert climbers; this was one miniature that had to be built to scale.
* * *
Come with me to the gay bar, where one man's junk is another man's treasure!
* * *
Q: What happens if you yank on a square till it's stretched out of shape?
A: It becomes a wreck/tangle.
* * *
I just learned that the US is the only nation to use atomic bombs during wartime! Believe it or not, one of the American Presidents ordered them dropped on two Japanese cities! It's true, man!
* * *
Back in Hellenistic times, scholars would flock to Plato's Academy to gain wisdom and become better citizens. However, just like today, there was a certain segment of the student body more interested in boozing, pranking and chasing women. These wags didn't think of the institution as the Academy... to them, it was the Plato Fun Factory.
* * *
Many people find the sound of whale calls to be great stress relievers. I probably made a mistake playing them at a Weight Watchers meeting, though.
* * *
The Hulk's legacy ends with Bruce Banner Jr. ... he doesn't get mad, he gets even.
* * *
Every time my blonde girlfriend makes a microwave meal, she puts a copy of "GoldenEye" in the DVD player. It's all due to the box instructions... they read, "Pierce film before cooking."
* * *
"I may not be good with words, but people tell me I'm really great with numbers!"
"Yeah? How many people say that?"
"Oh, more than I can count!"
* * *
Q: The screech of an eagle will bounce off canyon walls in an impressive cascade of echoing. This works for every other breed of bird, too... all except the pidgeon. Why is that?
A: A coo sticks.
* * *
A tanker truck full of Calgon ran off the road and crashed into a body of water near a small New York village. You know the one I mean... Lake Flaccid.
* * *
Q: Which Hungarian composer had a right leg that was 3 inches shorter than his left leg?
A: Liszt.
* * *
Based on his last name, a lot of people assume that Santa Claus is German. Look him up online, though, and it says he's really Turkish. Either could be right, but I don't think so... if you study the Christmas stories carefully, it's obvious he's North Polish.
* * *
Europeans are so hypocritical! They go on and on about how superior the metric system is, but they still drink their tea in cups, not liters.
* * *
My brother is one of the most understanding border patrol agents on the force. He doesn't agree with people sneaking into our country, but he does know where they're coming from.
* * *
Q: What did the dinosaur husband do when his dinosaur wife mouthed off?
A: Velociraptor.
* * *
Two boll weevils grew up in the same cotton field. One of them went into politics and grew rich as a corrupt mayor... the other earned his living as a pickpocket, making considerably less money. That's because he was the lesser of two weevils.
* * *
If your wife urges you to join a nudist colony, don't deride her suggestion. The experience will doubtless bring you closer together! Even if is seems grueling, stick it out... the first few days will be the hardest.
* * *
Q: Which employee can't do his job until after he's been fired?
A: The Human Cannonball.
* * *
I asked my new girlfriend if she'd accompany me to church. Happily, she was amenable!
* * *
News reports say that Brittney Griner has just been traded for Viktor Bout. Just what we needed! Another guy in women's sports!
