Low_Roads
4th Level Black Feather
- Joined
- Nov 16, 2004
- Messages
- 8,918
- Points
- 38
A huge storm nearly tore our town apart last week! Clouds barreled in over the hills and rain poured down by the bucketful. It wasn't the water that did the damage... it was all those damn barrels and buckets!
He: "Before moving to California, I used to brush my teeth by hand."
She: "Is that so? What did you do after you got to California?"
He: "I started using a toothbrush."
My brother was delivered via C-section He's been taking short-cuts ever since.
I was delivered via C-section, but my brother wasn't... he says that's why he became a second-story man. He wasn't cut out to use the easy entrance.
Jimmy Nine-Fingers and Frankie the Weasel saunter into a mob bar.
"What'll it be for you gents?" asks the bartender.
"Just coffee for me," says Jimmy. "I gotta stay straight for the big job tonight."
"How about you?" the barman asks Frankie.
"Pop," goes the Weasel.
While out shopping today, I drove alongside a guy hold a sign reading, "One day, this could be you!" I'm grateful he alerted me to that fact; it saved me the $10 bucks I was planning to give him.
The Lone Ranger and Tonto enter the town of Dry Gulch. No sooner have they hitched their horses when the famed lawman notices that the bank is being robbed. He sends Tonto scampering to fetch the sheriff while he bursts in to stop the holdup single handed. The commotion distracts the bandits, which allows the bank employees to draw their own firearms... by the time Tonto and the sheriff arrive, all the masked men, including the Lone Ranger, have been gunned down. Moral to the story: it's wise to avoid suspicion. Next time you pull up at a bank, don't leave your Injun running.
My daughter just turned 18; to celebrate, I took her to France, where we rented an Aston Martin and went on an adventure-filled road trip. While in Paris, she had her very first martini. It was a bonding experience.
"Doc, I've been experiencing pain in the entrance of my large intestine."
"Your what now?"
"My butt-hole!"
"Pal, as long as you keep thinking of it as an entrance you can expect to have trouble!"
I got a great joke about a 20" schlong! Wanna hear it? It's a knee-slapper!
You can have real fun at a funeral... but only if you're dyslexic.
The art contest judges seemed truly appreciative of my sculpture "Down On My Belly Before You!". After I presented it, they thanked me for my submission!
Q: Wouldn't it be great if money really did grow on trees!
A: No, it'd be trouble. They'd all be cut down by now.
After having both my legs and one of my arms blow off in action, I was afraid the army would send me my release; instead, they put me in charge of supplies! I'm the new quartermaster!
The clean-freak sailor was super meticulous about swabbing the deck; yet, despite his conscientiousness, he never reached port. It was clear from the start that he was apt to go overboard.
I hit my step count practically every day. He'll never be my real count and I've always resented him for it.
Q: Why will a music-loving physician always hold his stethoscope up to your chest longer?
A: He wants to enjoy the organ recital.
My brother hates it when someone calls him a drug dealer. He prefers to be thought of as a Piller of the Community.
A sign that the vampire living in your attic has a cold: you awake one morning to find two puncture wounds in your bottle of Robitussin.
My friends all refer to me as The Human Computer. It has nothing to do with my knowledge or calculating skills; it's because I fall asleep if I'm left alone for 15 minutes.
A horse trots into a bar.
"Gimme a lemonade," he tells the bartender.
"Sure, buddy," the barman replies. "Would you like a straw?"
"No thanks," responds the horse. "I already ate."
It finally happened; my wife ran off with my best friend. Little remains now... naught but an empty, hopeless existence that can only be relieved by the mercy of an early death. And while he's going through that, I'll be down at the club having the time of my life!
* * *
He: "Before moving to California, I used to brush my teeth by hand."
She: "Is that so? What did you do after you got to California?"
He: "I started using a toothbrush."
* * *
My brother was delivered via C-section He's been taking short-cuts ever since.
* * *
I was delivered via C-section, but my brother wasn't... he says that's why he became a second-story man. He wasn't cut out to use the easy entrance.
* * *
Jimmy Nine-Fingers and Frankie the Weasel saunter into a mob bar.
"What'll it be for you gents?" asks the bartender.
"Just coffee for me," says Jimmy. "I gotta stay straight for the big job tonight."
"How about you?" the barman asks Frankie.
"Pop," goes the Weasel.
* * *
While out shopping today, I drove alongside a guy hold a sign reading, "One day, this could be you!" I'm grateful he alerted me to that fact; it saved me the $10 bucks I was planning to give him.
* * *
The Lone Ranger and Tonto enter the town of Dry Gulch. No sooner have they hitched their horses when the famed lawman notices that the bank is being robbed. He sends Tonto scampering to fetch the sheriff while he bursts in to stop the holdup single handed. The commotion distracts the bandits, which allows the bank employees to draw their own firearms... by the time Tonto and the sheriff arrive, all the masked men, including the Lone Ranger, have been gunned down. Moral to the story: it's wise to avoid suspicion. Next time you pull up at a bank, don't leave your Injun running.
* * *
My daughter just turned 18; to celebrate, I took her to France, where we rented an Aston Martin and went on an adventure-filled road trip. While in Paris, she had her very first martini. It was a bonding experience.
* * *
"Doc, I've been experiencing pain in the entrance of my large intestine."
"Your what now?"
"My butt-hole!"
"Pal, as long as you keep thinking of it as an entrance you can expect to have trouble!"
* * *
I got a great joke about a 20" schlong! Wanna hear it? It's a knee-slapper!
* * *
You can have real fun at a funeral... but only if you're dyslexic.
* * *
The art contest judges seemed truly appreciative of my sculpture "Down On My Belly Before You!". After I presented it, they thanked me for my submission!
* * *
Q: Wouldn't it be great if money really did grow on trees!
A: No, it'd be trouble. They'd all be cut down by now.
* * *
After having both my legs and one of my arms blow off in action, I was afraid the army would send me my release; instead, they put me in charge of supplies! I'm the new quartermaster!
* * *
The clean-freak sailor was super meticulous about swabbing the deck; yet, despite his conscientiousness, he never reached port. It was clear from the start that he was apt to go overboard.
* * *
I hit my step count practically every day. He'll never be my real count and I've always resented him for it.
* * *
Q: Why will a music-loving physician always hold his stethoscope up to your chest longer?
A: He wants to enjoy the organ recital.
* * *
My brother hates it when someone calls him a drug dealer. He prefers to be thought of as a Piller of the Community.
* * *
A sign that the vampire living in your attic has a cold: you awake one morning to find two puncture wounds in your bottle of Robitussin.
* * *
My friends all refer to me as The Human Computer. It has nothing to do with my knowledge or calculating skills; it's because I fall asleep if I'm left alone for 15 minutes.
* * *
A horse trots into a bar.
"Gimme a lemonade," he tells the bartender.
"Sure, buddy," the barman replies. "Would you like a straw?"
"No thanks," responds the horse. "I already ate."
* * *
It finally happened; my wife ran off with my best friend. Little remains now... naught but an empty, hopeless existence that can only be relieved by the mercy of an early death. And while he's going through that, I'll be down at the club having the time of my life!
