Low_Roads
4th Level Black Feather
- Joined
- Nov 16, 2004
- Messages
- 8,920
- Points
- 38
A drunk wanders into a church and enters the confessional booth. After 5 straight minutes of silence, the priest taps at the window to make sure he's still awake.
"It's no use you a'knockin'," the drunk mumbles. "I can't find no paper in this stall either."
Yesterday, I pulled into pump 3 of the gas station for a few gallons and was appalled at the new prices. I'd only brought 10 bucks with me, which should have been plenty to see me through the next couple of days. I ended up with just enough to get me to pump 4.
Q: What trail does the Joker take to escape Arkham Asylum?
A: He uses the psycho path.
My brother was killed while watching TikTok. I guess the timer finally ran out.
The hedonistic Cult of Aphrodite, ancient Greek goddess of carnal love, had a lot in common with the more staid religion of Christianity. They even had similar holidays, right down to the hymns that were sung. That's because the Christians adapted some of these tunes for their own use. Changes had to be made, of course... for instance, "Oh Come, All Ye Faithful" used to have a completely different meaning.
My dad thought grandma might be lonely, so he bought her a pug dog for company. I wasn't sure it would work out... many are put off by the those bizarre features: the bulging eyes, the squashed face, the numerous fatty wrinkles. But the pup seems to have taken to her just fine.
Cinderella was kicked out of Disneyland along with Pinocchio after authorities caught her sitting on his face. Why did she find the little wooden dude so irresistible? No one nose...
Disney security made a sound recording of Cindy's affair with Pinocchio as evidence. Here's a sample:
Cinderella: "Lie to me, you little bastard! Now tell the truth! Now lie to me! LIE TO MEEEEEE!!!!"
I'm going to get out of coal mining... I'm tired of the hole boring business. My cousin's says I should try steel construction instead. He promises it'll be riveting!
There are three unwritten rules for a happy marriage:
1.
2.
3.
Despite recent price inflation, it's still possible to get gas for around a dollar. All you need to do is shop at Taco Bell.
My wife wanted me to take her someplace expensive last night. So I did... we didn't get any further than the gas station.
American expat living in England: "In my experience, you Brits are a lot like coconuts."
Englishman: "By which I presume you mean that we're all tough on the outside, but prove to be sweet once we've been cracked?"
American: "No. I mean you're all full of booze, holding umbrellas."
Don't attend any swingers orgy hosted by Dick van Dyke... it's a pretty shitty gang bang.
Triceratops was the most prolific dinosaur of the Cretaceous. That's because it was three times hornier than the rest.
It takes the release of 100 million male sperm to fertilize a female egg. That's because guys never stop to ask directions.
Even in the fifth grade, blondes are far sexier than brunettes or red-heads. That's because they're the only ones who've reached the age of consent.
Unemployment is still rampant in the US. Even in our town brothel... this morning there was a sign on the door reading: "Now hiring for all positions."
MacDonald's has recently left Russia. The whole country has become a no-fry zone.
Word is that MacDonald's, Starbucks, Coca Cola, TikTok and Pornhub have all stopped service to Russia. If this keeps up, the whole country will soon be the healthiest, best adjusted nation on Earth.
"My psychiatrist just diagnosed me with schizophrenia."
"That's all too common these days. Just remember... you're not alone."
Q: Ever since the invasion started, the Ukraine has been in desperate need of armaments. Which foreign nation has done the most to supply them with war material?
A: Russia.
"It's no use you a'knockin'," the drunk mumbles. "I can't find no paper in this stall either."
* * *
Yesterday, I pulled into pump 3 of the gas station for a few gallons and was appalled at the new prices. I'd only brought 10 bucks with me, which should have been plenty to see me through the next couple of days. I ended up with just enough to get me to pump 4.
* * *
Q: What trail does the Joker take to escape Arkham Asylum?
A: He uses the psycho path.
* * *
My brother was killed while watching TikTok. I guess the timer finally ran out.
* * *
The hedonistic Cult of Aphrodite, ancient Greek goddess of carnal love, had a lot in common with the more staid religion of Christianity. They even had similar holidays, right down to the hymns that were sung. That's because the Christians adapted some of these tunes for their own use. Changes had to be made, of course... for instance, "Oh Come, All Ye Faithful" used to have a completely different meaning.
* * *
My dad thought grandma might be lonely, so he bought her a pug dog for company. I wasn't sure it would work out... many are put off by the those bizarre features: the bulging eyes, the squashed face, the numerous fatty wrinkles. But the pup seems to have taken to her just fine.
* * *
Cinderella was kicked out of Disneyland along with Pinocchio after authorities caught her sitting on his face. Why did she find the little wooden dude so irresistible? No one nose...
* * *
Disney security made a sound recording of Cindy's affair with Pinocchio as evidence. Here's a sample:
Cinderella: "Lie to me, you little bastard! Now tell the truth! Now lie to me! LIE TO MEEEEEE!!!!"
* * *
I'm going to get out of coal mining... I'm tired of the hole boring business. My cousin's says I should try steel construction instead. He promises it'll be riveting!
* * *
There are three unwritten rules for a happy marriage:
1.
2.
3.
* * *
Despite recent price inflation, it's still possible to get gas for around a dollar. All you need to do is shop at Taco Bell.
* * *
My wife wanted me to take her someplace expensive last night. So I did... we didn't get any further than the gas station.
* * *
American expat living in England: "In my experience, you Brits are a lot like coconuts."
Englishman: "By which I presume you mean that we're all tough on the outside, but prove to be sweet once we've been cracked?"
American: "No. I mean you're all full of booze, holding umbrellas."
* * *
Don't attend any swingers orgy hosted by Dick van Dyke... it's a pretty shitty gang bang.
* * *
Triceratops was the most prolific dinosaur of the Cretaceous. That's because it was three times hornier than the rest.
* * *
It takes the release of 100 million male sperm to fertilize a female egg. That's because guys never stop to ask directions.
* * *
Even in the fifth grade, blondes are far sexier than brunettes or red-heads. That's because they're the only ones who've reached the age of consent.
* * *
Unemployment is still rampant in the US. Even in our town brothel... this morning there was a sign on the door reading: "Now hiring for all positions."
* * *
MacDonald's has recently left Russia. The whole country has become a no-fry zone.
* * *
Word is that MacDonald's, Starbucks, Coca Cola, TikTok and Pornhub have all stopped service to Russia. If this keeps up, the whole country will soon be the healthiest, best adjusted nation on Earth.
* * *
"My psychiatrist just diagnosed me with schizophrenia."
"That's all too common these days. Just remember... you're not alone."
* * *
Q: Ever since the invasion started, the Ukraine has been in desperate need of armaments. Which foreign nation has done the most to supply them with war material?
A: Russia.
