Low_Roads
4th Level Black Feather
- Joined
- Nov 16, 2004
- Messages
- 8,920
- Points
- 38
My sexy new girlfriend wears flower print panties... highly appropriate when you consider how many faces have been buried there.
"See the big barrel outside the entrance of that Cambodian restaurant? That's the scariest barrel you'll ever come across! It's full of poisonous snakes!"
"Big deal! The one right next to it is much more frightening."
"Yeah? What's inside that one?"
"Nothing. But a minute ago it was full of poisonous snakes."
Are you familiar with those life-sized Japanese love dolls? The damn things cost thousands! Any dudes who pay that much for 'em are fucking dummies!
"It's so humiliating! Every time visitors enter my house, my dog insists on checking them out by sniffing their privates."
"But your dog's a Chihuahua!"
"That's the most embarrassing part! I have to hold him up!"
The guy who lives next door is a bachelor and I guess he gets pretty lonely. Even so, I'd never join him for dinner... I suspect he's really a cannibal, like Jeffery Dahmer. The one time he invited me over, I asked what he was fixing. He told me it was Stu.
If you want to date an athlete, you can't go wrong with an Olympic sprinter! He's sure to show you a good time!
I'm trying to write a novel on my tablet... it aggravates me to tears when the confounded thing dies and I lose all my progress. I should have listened closer to my psychiatrist... he told me I needed an outlet.
Jesus didn't try that walking-on-water stunt after his resurrection... it's a lot harder to do when you have holes in your feet.
For my birthday, my wife told me I could tie her to the bed and do whatever I wanted. It was her suggestion... I don't know why she was so pissed off when I got back from the golf course.
Prince Hamlet was the finest swordsman in all Denmark, but he was also incredibly indecisive. His friend Horacio didn't know whether to call him mighty or might-he.
Everybody's worried about Europe and Asia right now... I tell you it's Canada we have to keep an eye on! If we don't do something about them, Canadians are going to take over the world! Then we'll all be sorry!
Q: What do cemetery workers order for lunch?
A: Five piece KFC... extra gravy.
Well, I'm in the dog house again! Last night, my wife got all naked, lounged on the bed suggestively and asked me what aspect of her I found most appealing... her sweet face? Her curvy, sexy body? I said it was her sense of humor.
"No money, no sex"... that's the credo for all prostitutes. And for all nuns, as it turns out.
My uncle died recently and left me his estate. While going through his stuff, I discovered he owned an original Rembrandt and a completely authentic Stradivarius! I thought they might be worth a fortune... unfortunately, it turns out that Rembrandt made terrible fiddles, while Stradivarius couldn't paint worth crap.
Q: What else do you hold when you've got two green balls in your hand?
A: Kermit's undivided attention.
This morning I drove past a sign reading "Free Range Eggs" and I'll be going back later today! Hey, I don't care if my eggs come from the range, the ranch or the supermarket... free is a deal I can't turn down!
There's been some question as to whether Russian army is really the second best in the world. At least Putin has now proved that it's the second best in the Ukraine.
How about my brother, huh? The damn guy says I'm slothful! What stupidity! I've never eaten a sloth in my life!
All farm folk know the old adage: "Get up with the cows... go to bed with the chickens." But they rarely tell you how the phrase actually ends: " ... get arrested for bestiality."
It's long been considered the nadir of poor etiquette to eat with your knife. It's particularly frowned on during surgery.
Right in the middle of the Ukrainian invasion, Vladimir Putin has a fatal heart attack and goes to hell. He does such a good job down there that five years later he's permitted to spend a full day back in Moscow. He enters a Muscovite tavern and asks the barkeep, "Tell me, comrade... is the Ukraine still ours?"
"Indeed it is," replies the barman.
"That's all I needed to know!" the dictator exults. "Give me a glass of Vodka!"
"Certainly," the barman returns. "That will be five euros."
* * *
"See the big barrel outside the entrance of that Cambodian restaurant? That's the scariest barrel you'll ever come across! It's full of poisonous snakes!"
"Big deal! The one right next to it is much more frightening."
"Yeah? What's inside that one?"
"Nothing. But a minute ago it was full of poisonous snakes."
* * *
Are you familiar with those life-sized Japanese love dolls? The damn things cost thousands! Any dudes who pay that much for 'em are fucking dummies!
* * *
"It's so humiliating! Every time visitors enter my house, my dog insists on checking them out by sniffing their privates."
"But your dog's a Chihuahua!"
"That's the most embarrassing part! I have to hold him up!"
* * *
The guy who lives next door is a bachelor and I guess he gets pretty lonely. Even so, I'd never join him for dinner... I suspect he's really a cannibal, like Jeffery Dahmer. The one time he invited me over, I asked what he was fixing. He told me it was Stu.
* * *
If you want to date an athlete, you can't go wrong with an Olympic sprinter! He's sure to show you a good time!
* * *
I'm trying to write a novel on my tablet... it aggravates me to tears when the confounded thing dies and I lose all my progress. I should have listened closer to my psychiatrist... he told me I needed an outlet.
* * *
Jesus didn't try that walking-on-water stunt after his resurrection... it's a lot harder to do when you have holes in your feet.
* * *
For my birthday, my wife told me I could tie her to the bed and do whatever I wanted. It was her suggestion... I don't know why she was so pissed off when I got back from the golf course.
* * *
Prince Hamlet was the finest swordsman in all Denmark, but he was also incredibly indecisive. His friend Horacio didn't know whether to call him mighty or might-he.
* * *
Everybody's worried about Europe and Asia right now... I tell you it's Canada we have to keep an eye on! If we don't do something about them, Canadians are going to take over the world! Then we'll all be sorry!
* * *
Q: What do cemetery workers order for lunch?
A: Five piece KFC... extra gravy.
* * *
Well, I'm in the dog house again! Last night, my wife got all naked, lounged on the bed suggestively and asked me what aspect of her I found most appealing... her sweet face? Her curvy, sexy body? I said it was her sense of humor.
* * *
"No money, no sex"... that's the credo for all prostitutes. And for all nuns, as it turns out.
* * *
My uncle died recently and left me his estate. While going through his stuff, I discovered he owned an original Rembrandt and a completely authentic Stradivarius! I thought they might be worth a fortune... unfortunately, it turns out that Rembrandt made terrible fiddles, while Stradivarius couldn't paint worth crap.
* * *
Q: What else do you hold when you've got two green balls in your hand?
A: Kermit's undivided attention.
* * *
This morning I drove past a sign reading "Free Range Eggs" and I'll be going back later today! Hey, I don't care if my eggs come from the range, the ranch or the supermarket... free is a deal I can't turn down!
* * *
There's been some question as to whether Russian army is really the second best in the world. At least Putin has now proved that it's the second best in the Ukraine.
* * *
How about my brother, huh? The damn guy says I'm slothful! What stupidity! I've never eaten a sloth in my life!
* * *
All farm folk know the old adage: "Get up with the cows... go to bed with the chickens." But they rarely tell you how the phrase actually ends: " ... get arrested for bestiality."
* * *
It's long been considered the nadir of poor etiquette to eat with your knife. It's particularly frowned on during surgery.
* * *
Right in the middle of the Ukrainian invasion, Vladimir Putin has a fatal heart attack and goes to hell. He does such a good job down there that five years later he's permitted to spend a full day back in Moscow. He enters a Muscovite tavern and asks the barkeep, "Tell me, comrade... is the Ukraine still ours?"
"Indeed it is," replies the barman.
"That's all I needed to know!" the dictator exults. "Give me a glass of Vodka!"
"Certainly," the barman returns. "That will be five euros."
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