Low_Roads
4th Level Black Feather
- Joined
- Nov 16, 2004
- Messages
- 8,918
- Points
- 38
My love partner keeps going on and on about how we should get into golden showers. I didn't even know what she was talking about and had her explain the concept; now that I know, I still don't understand. It's gone completely over my head.
Q: Which day of the year is a drill sergeant's favorite?
A: March 4th.
Some hacker guy screwed up my computer and I guess he's gonna be extremely difficult to catch. My son says that's because he ran somewhere.
This Gamblers Anonymous phone number is worthless! I figured that at least every tenth call would be a winner!
How many women have I been intimate with?... I can give you the number using only one hand. See, it's right here on my iPhone calculator!
The supplicants came before a high priestess, who uttered an incomprehensible incantation. Attendants removed the high priestess and substituted a sober one.
I went to my doctor with an odd symptom: constant buzzing in my ears. He told me not to be too concerned... there's a bug going around.
Q: How do Scandinavian fishermen pass the time between catches?
A: Kraken jokes.
I consider myself to be a success... I made six figures on the job last year. The boss disagrees: he says I better do better or he'll take me off the toy assembly line.
Space heaters in arctic bases are invariably user friendly! You can always count on them saying Hi!
My dentist's one of the best in the business! He's won so many awards, the walls in his practice used to be covered with them! He eventually took them all down; he knows how important it is to prevent plaque buildup.
Thank God for venetian blinds! Otherwise, it'd be curtains for us all!
I used to think those street racers were macho! Not anymore! Bunch'a cross-dressers... competing for pink slips!
Creating a clone for sex purposes may seem highly immoral, but I don't judge. Hey, you do you.
I was a bit annoyed when my son said I'd developed a Dad Bod; I prefer the term "Father Figure".
Brunette: "That new boyfriend of yours smells, looks grungy and acts like a gangster! Why don't you date someone nice?"
Blonde: "He is nice! Just today he started doing 500 hours of community service! What could be nicer than that?"
If you dine al fresco, do so only on sunny days. The last time I ate outside, there was a fierce rainstorm; I wanted to finish quickly, but I couldn't get past the soup!
When I was a kid, I used to be afraid of the dark; now that I pay the electric bills, it's he light that scares me.
You're only cheating yourself when you buy a product with artificial flavoring! That's why I took the package of Gummy candies away from my little son; if they don't taste like actual bears or worms, what's the point!
Pigeon #1: "Watch out! The guy we just pooped on is picking up a stone!"
Pigeon #2: "Big deal! We got him outnumbered! What does he think he can do against two of us!"
When a crook held up our store, I fought back with the only weapon I had: a labeling gun. The would-be robber is still at large, but now has a price on his head.
Boss: "Sorry, Harvey... you're fired. Your recent blood test showed positive for heroin."
Harvey: "Wait a minute, wait a minute... the day of that test, I had a bagel for lunch. It must have had poppy seeds on it!"
Boss: "The test also showed positive for cannabis, LSD and cocaine."
Harvey: "Oh yeah! I remember now! It was a bagel with everything!"
* * *
Q: Which day of the year is a drill sergeant's favorite?
A: March 4th.
* * *
Some hacker guy screwed up my computer and I guess he's gonna be extremely difficult to catch. My son says that's because he ran somewhere.
* * *
This Gamblers Anonymous phone number is worthless! I figured that at least every tenth call would be a winner!
* * *
How many women have I been intimate with?... I can give you the number using only one hand. See, it's right here on my iPhone calculator!
* * *
The supplicants came before a high priestess, who uttered an incomprehensible incantation. Attendants removed the high priestess and substituted a sober one.
* * *
I went to my doctor with an odd symptom: constant buzzing in my ears. He told me not to be too concerned... there's a bug going around.
* * *
Q: How do Scandinavian fishermen pass the time between catches?
A: Kraken jokes.
* * *
I consider myself to be a success... I made six figures on the job last year. The boss disagrees: he says I better do better or he'll take me off the toy assembly line.
* * *
Space heaters in arctic bases are invariably user friendly! You can always count on them saying Hi!
* * *
My dentist's one of the best in the business! He's won so many awards, the walls in his practice used to be covered with them! He eventually took them all down; he knows how important it is to prevent plaque buildup.
* * *
Thank God for venetian blinds! Otherwise, it'd be curtains for us all!
* * *
I used to think those street racers were macho! Not anymore! Bunch'a cross-dressers... competing for pink slips!
* * *
Creating a clone for sex purposes may seem highly immoral, but I don't judge. Hey, you do you.
* * *
I was a bit annoyed when my son said I'd developed a Dad Bod; I prefer the term "Father Figure".
* * *
Brunette: "That new boyfriend of yours smells, looks grungy and acts like a gangster! Why don't you date someone nice?"
Blonde: "He is nice! Just today he started doing 500 hours of community service! What could be nicer than that?"
* * *
If you dine al fresco, do so only on sunny days. The last time I ate outside, there was a fierce rainstorm; I wanted to finish quickly, but I couldn't get past the soup!
* * *
When I was a kid, I used to be afraid of the dark; now that I pay the electric bills, it's he light that scares me.
* * *
You're only cheating yourself when you buy a product with artificial flavoring! That's why I took the package of Gummy candies away from my little son; if they don't taste like actual bears or worms, what's the point!
* * *
Pigeon #1: "Watch out! The guy we just pooped on is picking up a stone!"
Pigeon #2: "Big deal! We got him outnumbered! What does he think he can do against two of us!"
* * *
When a crook held up our store, I fought back with the only weapon I had: a labeling gun. The would-be robber is still at large, but now has a price on his head.
* * *
Boss: "Sorry, Harvey... you're fired. Your recent blood test showed positive for heroin."
Harvey: "Wait a minute, wait a minute... the day of that test, I had a bagel for lunch. It must have had poppy seeds on it!"
Boss: "The test also showed positive for cannabis, LSD and cocaine."
Harvey: "Oh yeah! I remember now! It was a bagel with everything!"
