Low_Roads
4th Level Black Feather
- Joined
- Nov 16, 2004
- Messages
- 8,920
- Points
- 38
One can readily understand why Pinocchio blew off school and went on adventures; he was board stiff.
I was born with a silver spoon in my mouth; my dad's treated me like a mug ever since.
Q: How do you calculate relative velocity?
A: Keep track of your speed when you're fleeing from your family.
The inventor of Velcro died in 1990. RIP.
A drunk stumbles up to Joe's Bar, collapsing against the wall right outside the door. He then flags down a cab and climbs inside.
"Take me to Joe's Bar," he slurs.
"You're at Joe's bar!" the cabby scowls.
"Thanks," mumbles the barfly, handing him a twenty. "But next time down drive so fast."
We couldn't decide whether to have my great grandfather buried or cremated. In the end, it was simpler to just let him go on living.
Hodor's typical morning routine: raisin' Bran.
" 'Avengers: Endgame' is the twenty-second film in the MCU."
"Really? I heard it was much longer than that."
My neighbor has a reputation as a world-class theremin player. I doubt that's true; I've heard he doesn't touch the instrument.
If you're heading for Nonthaburi in Thailand, don't pass through the waist-high turnstile; you're going to Bangkok.
I refuse to take my demon twin cousins anywhere in the car. The law agrees with me: it's illegal to drive imp paired.
Bluebottle 1: "I'm parched, Joe. Let's buzz into this place and get us a drink."
Bluebottle 2: "You kiddn' me? Folks kill pests like us!"
Bluebottle 1: "Not in here! I've heard about this place! It's very accommodating; they've got flies' water!"
Q: What do you call a black and white flightless bird that spends most of its time in Arctic water?
A: Lost.
Revlon's just come out with an irresistible polish remover. They're calling it "Blitzkrieg"
Being a magician and being impotent have something key in common: both of them depend on missed erection.
I won't need any help with my embarrassing masturbation addiction; I'll beat it single-handed.
Scoffers used taunt Van Gogh by saying, "How do you ever expect to become a famous painter? You only have one ear!" But you know what he told them? "You'll have to speak up. I only have one ear."
Did you know that alcohol removes pimples, warts and even mild disfigurements? It's true! I never notice any of that stuff when I'm picking up gals at the bar!
Jesus is due for a Second Coming eventually. When that happens, don't count on another crucifixion; nobody double crosses Jesus!
Imperial Stormtroopers are the loneliest people in the Empire; they miss everybody.
Q: Why do workers picket?
A: Because when the factory owner exploits them, it's only natural to take a fence.
A blonde and her husband are lying awake in bed listening to the neighbor's dog, which has been howling all night long. Finally she can't take it anymore and storms downstairs, swearing, "I'll show 'em!"
Five minutes later she's back, but the racket's worse than ever.
"I thought you said you'd fix things!" the husband cries.
"I did!" the blonde states proudly. "I moved the mutt into our yard! Let's see how they like it for a change!"
* * *
I was born with a silver spoon in my mouth; my dad's treated me like a mug ever since.
* * *
Q: How do you calculate relative velocity?
A: Keep track of your speed when you're fleeing from your family.
* * *
The inventor of Velcro died in 1990. RIP.
* * *
A drunk stumbles up to Joe's Bar, collapsing against the wall right outside the door. He then flags down a cab and climbs inside.
"Take me to Joe's Bar," he slurs.
"You're at Joe's bar!" the cabby scowls.
"Thanks," mumbles the barfly, handing him a twenty. "But next time down drive so fast."
* * *
We couldn't decide whether to have my great grandfather buried or cremated. In the end, it was simpler to just let him go on living.
* * *
Hodor's typical morning routine: raisin' Bran.
* * *
" 'Avengers: Endgame' is the twenty-second film in the MCU."
"Really? I heard it was much longer than that."
* * *
My neighbor has a reputation as a world-class theremin player. I doubt that's true; I've heard he doesn't touch the instrument.
* * *
If you're heading for Nonthaburi in Thailand, don't pass through the waist-high turnstile; you're going to Bangkok.
* * *
I refuse to take my demon twin cousins anywhere in the car. The law agrees with me: it's illegal to drive imp paired.
* * *
Bluebottle 1: "I'm parched, Joe. Let's buzz into this place and get us a drink."
Bluebottle 2: "You kiddn' me? Folks kill pests like us!"
Bluebottle 1: "Not in here! I've heard about this place! It's very accommodating; they've got flies' water!"
* * *
Q: What do you call a black and white flightless bird that spends most of its time in Arctic water?
A: Lost.
* * *
Revlon's just come out with an irresistible polish remover. They're calling it "Blitzkrieg"
* * *
Being a magician and being impotent have something key in common: both of them depend on missed erection.
* * *
I won't need any help with my embarrassing masturbation addiction; I'll beat it single-handed.
* * *
Scoffers used taunt Van Gogh by saying, "How do you ever expect to become a famous painter? You only have one ear!" But you know what he told them? "You'll have to speak up. I only have one ear."
* * *
Did you know that alcohol removes pimples, warts and even mild disfigurements? It's true! I never notice any of that stuff when I'm picking up gals at the bar!
* * *
Jesus is due for a Second Coming eventually. When that happens, don't count on another crucifixion; nobody double crosses Jesus!
* * *
Imperial Stormtroopers are the loneliest people in the Empire; they miss everybody.
* * *
Q: Why do workers picket?
A: Because when the factory owner exploits them, it's only natural to take a fence.
* * *
A blonde and her husband are lying awake in bed listening to the neighbor's dog, which has been howling all night long. Finally she can't take it anymore and storms downstairs, swearing, "I'll show 'em!"
Five minutes later she's back, but the racket's worse than ever.
"I thought you said you'd fix things!" the husband cries.
"I did!" the blonde states proudly. "I moved the mutt into our yard! Let's see how they like it for a change!"
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