Low_Roads
4th Level Black Feather
- Joined
- Nov 16, 2004
- Messages
- 8,925
- Points
- 38
Last night, I dreamed that I ran a mile in two and a half minutes! Now that's what I call being fast asleep!
She #1: "Wanna talk about crummy husbands? Well, mine is 100% impotent!"
She #2: "Yeah? Mine is 300% impotent!"
She #1: "300%! How's that even possible?"
She #2: "The same accident that ruptured his balls also broke off all his fingers and caused him to bite off his tongue!"
I'm hoping to find a club somewhere dedicated to group toothbrushing. According to a recent survey, 9 our of 10 dentists insist that brushing alone won't reduce cavities.
Blonde: "I can't fill out this form! I don't know today's date!"
Brunette: "You're carrying a newspaper. Check out the date there."
Blonde: "That won't do any good! It's yesterday's paper!"
Practice safe eating: always use a condiment.
Reporter: "How do you answer your opponent's claim that you're unfit for office because you were run over by a steamroller?"
Politician: "I flatly deny the charge!"
My son is currently in his fourth year of college; at the end of term, I plan to buy him a car. He might as well try Uber driving since education isn't working for him.
Customer: "Everything on the menu looks so good! I just don't know what to order!"
Waiter: "How about the duck?"
Duck: "Yeah, I'm ready. I'll have the Trout Almondine."
My blond cousin wanted Greek yogurt, so she decided to mix business with pleasure and booked a trip to the ruins of the Parthenon where she figured she could find some that was truly authentic. I told her it was a waste of time; yogurt comes from live cultures.
Brunette: "Sometimes I'm embarrassed to admit I know you! When that reporter asked you which celebrity you'd most like to correspond with, you told him 'Miss Piggy'!".
Blonde: "And I'm serious, too! I'll bet Miss Piggy would send some really interesting letters!"
Burnette: "You idiot! Pigs can't write!"
Blonde: "Yeah? Then why do so many of them have pens?"
Q: What will a pig tell you himself that proves he's incapable of writing?
A: "0 ink".
Private: "Captain, there's a huge group of soldiers heading straight for our position!"
Captain: "Well, are they allies or enemies?"
Private: "Allies, I suppose; they're all marching here together."
Never tell secrets on a farm: the potatoes have eyes, the corn has ears and the beans talk.
Math teacher: "What do you get when you add 69 and 69?"
Blonde student: "88."
Math teacher: "Not even close! The right answer is 138."
Blonde student: "Uh-uh, it's 88. That's 'cause I got eight twice."
I my youth, I couldn't run or jump the way the other youngsters did. I think I must have had kid knee failure.
A man attends his wife's funeral.
Mourner: "Don't be so sad, son. Just think fondly upon those who've gone to their reward."
Bereaved: "That's exactly what I am thinking of, pops! And I'll be heading there just as soon as this damn weepy funeral is over."
My wife asked me to help her pick out a scarf that would make her blue eyes stand out. What a pointless exercise... any scarf will make her eyes stand out if it's tied tight enough!
Q: Who always grins twice?
A: The dyslexic postman.
When I was a kid, I watched the "Zorro" series on TV and got inspired to leave a mark of my own, just like Zorro did. I called myself Zero and started spray-painting circles on everything... the inside of my room, then the other rooms of my house, then the neighbor's house, and soon it was any bare surface in our town. The policeman who finally arrested me was appalled; he said I was the noughtiest boy he'd ever seen.
Despite the way it happens in the movies, not every problem can be solved with a gun. You need plenty of ammunition, too.
Damn that hippy layabout kid of mine! I leave on an overnight trip, and by the time I get back he has joss sticks burning in every room of the house! I've never been so incensed!
Two blondes notice a helicopter hovering over their neighborhood.
"That thing hasn't moved for the last 15 minutes!" the first observes. "It must be broken."
The second blonde looks a her in disgust.
"You know," she retorts, "it's twits like you who give us blondes a bad name! If it was broken, it would have fallen out of the sky by now! Obviously it's out of gas!"
* * *
She #1: "Wanna talk about crummy husbands? Well, mine is 100% impotent!"
She #2: "Yeah? Mine is 300% impotent!"
She #1: "300%! How's that even possible?"
She #2: "The same accident that ruptured his balls also broke off all his fingers and caused him to bite off his tongue!"
* * *
I'm hoping to find a club somewhere dedicated to group toothbrushing. According to a recent survey, 9 our of 10 dentists insist that brushing alone won't reduce cavities.
* * *
Blonde: "I can't fill out this form! I don't know today's date!"
Brunette: "You're carrying a newspaper. Check out the date there."
Blonde: "That won't do any good! It's yesterday's paper!"
* * *
Practice safe eating: always use a condiment.
* * *
Reporter: "How do you answer your opponent's claim that you're unfit for office because you were run over by a steamroller?"
Politician: "I flatly deny the charge!"
* * *
My son is currently in his fourth year of college; at the end of term, I plan to buy him a car. He might as well try Uber driving since education isn't working for him.
* * *
Customer: "Everything on the menu looks so good! I just don't know what to order!"
Waiter: "How about the duck?"
Duck: "Yeah, I'm ready. I'll have the Trout Almondine."
* * *
My blond cousin wanted Greek yogurt, so she decided to mix business with pleasure and booked a trip to the ruins of the Parthenon where she figured she could find some that was truly authentic. I told her it was a waste of time; yogurt comes from live cultures.
* * *
Brunette: "Sometimes I'm embarrassed to admit I know you! When that reporter asked you which celebrity you'd most like to correspond with, you told him 'Miss Piggy'!".
Blonde: "And I'm serious, too! I'll bet Miss Piggy would send some really interesting letters!"
Burnette: "You idiot! Pigs can't write!"
Blonde: "Yeah? Then why do so many of them have pens?"
* * *
Q: What will a pig tell you himself that proves he's incapable of writing?
A: "0 ink".
* * *
Private: "Captain, there's a huge group of soldiers heading straight for our position!"
Captain: "Well, are they allies or enemies?"
Private: "Allies, I suppose; they're all marching here together."
* * *
Never tell secrets on a farm: the potatoes have eyes, the corn has ears and the beans talk.
* * *
Math teacher: "What do you get when you add 69 and 69?"
Blonde student: "88."
Math teacher: "Not even close! The right answer is 138."
Blonde student: "Uh-uh, it's 88. That's 'cause I got eight twice."
* * *
I my youth, I couldn't run or jump the way the other youngsters did. I think I must have had kid knee failure.
* * *
A man attends his wife's funeral.
Mourner: "Don't be so sad, son. Just think fondly upon those who've gone to their reward."
Bereaved: "That's exactly what I am thinking of, pops! And I'll be heading there just as soon as this damn weepy funeral is over."
* * *
My wife asked me to help her pick out a scarf that would make her blue eyes stand out. What a pointless exercise... any scarf will make her eyes stand out if it's tied tight enough!
* * *
Q: Who always grins twice?
A: The dyslexic postman.
* * *
When I was a kid, I watched the "Zorro" series on TV and got inspired to leave a mark of my own, just like Zorro did. I called myself Zero and started spray-painting circles on everything... the inside of my room, then the other rooms of my house, then the neighbor's house, and soon it was any bare surface in our town. The policeman who finally arrested me was appalled; he said I was the noughtiest boy he'd ever seen.
* * *
Despite the way it happens in the movies, not every problem can be solved with a gun. You need plenty of ammunition, too.
* * *
Damn that hippy layabout kid of mine! I leave on an overnight trip, and by the time I get back he has joss sticks burning in every room of the house! I've never been so incensed!
* * *
Two blondes notice a helicopter hovering over their neighborhood.
"That thing hasn't moved for the last 15 minutes!" the first observes. "It must be broken."
The second blonde looks a her in disgust.
"You know," she retorts, "it's twits like you who give us blondes a bad name! If it was broken, it would have fallen out of the sky by now! Obviously it's out of gas!"
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