Low_Roads
4th Level Black Feather
- Joined
- Nov 16, 2004
- Messages
- 8,919
- Points
- 38
He's a real Nowhere Man! Accept no substitutes!
Running a crematorium is a very straightforward profession: you get paid exactly as much as you urn.
I figured that becoming a gourmet chef would be the perfect job for me, but I couldn't have been more wrong. In the end, every meal I make turns to crap.
You can always tell which lepers are the most belligerent. They're the ones having a face off.
It burns like hell when I pee. The fire department has warned me to stop drinking so much lighter fluid.
Thanos had already been pushed to the edge by the Avengers, but when the Guardians of the Galaxy ganged up on him too, he simply snapped.
My brother has exactly the same thing for lunch every day: ground round beef on a bun. He won't tell me much about it, but I suspect he has ass burgers.
Q: According to statistics, who are the most ardent eaters of seafood?
A: The blind.
My wife asked for a little peace and quiet while she was trying to cook dinner. Well, I can take a hint; I immediately removed the battery from the smoke detector.
The Chinese soldiers opposing Genghis Khan had to bring their own lunch. Most of them picked a Mongolian beef.
My teeth need straightening, but when I asked my wife how much it would cost, she said, "Brace yourself." Damn it, she knows I don't have that kind of training!
Right before she was driven from her castle, Snow White had sent a roll of film to Fotomat. We know this because she'd been overheard singing, "Sunday my prints will come."
Q: 666 is the number of the Beast? But what is 668?
A: The neighbor of the Beast.
Some have accused Michael Jackson of gender confusion, but that's not true at all. The pronouns most associated with him have always been he/he.
Q: The magician's assistant got sawed in half during the magic act. Where did he go once the show is over?
A: To a topless bar.
One of the accessories included with Mr. Potato Head is a pair of glasses. Apply them if you want him to be a spec-tater.
Depression gets to the best of us. That's why I've never been depressed.
Brunette: "Why did you throw your new Bluetooth headphones in the lake?"
Blonde: "The salesman told me I had to let them sink."
While shopping, I took a look at a toothpaste that advertised "For Sparkling White Teeth!". Obviously, I didn't pick up that one... mine are all brown.
It was tough on the island missionaries for the first few months... they had little shelter and barely anything to eat. But the friendly cannibals were always willing to lend a hand.
In the early days of the space race, the Soviets sent a dog up in a rocket capsule. If you ask me, that was terribly inhumane... any housewife can tell you that dogs are afraid of vacuums.
"My grandpa was really something! He told us well ahead of time precisely what day he was going to die and even the exact manner of his death!"
"Wow! Was he psychic?"
"Nope! Convicted!"
* * *
Running a crematorium is a very straightforward profession: you get paid exactly as much as you urn.
* * *
I figured that becoming a gourmet chef would be the perfect job for me, but I couldn't have been more wrong. In the end, every meal I make turns to crap.
* * *
You can always tell which lepers are the most belligerent. They're the ones having a face off.
* * *
It burns like hell when I pee. The fire department has warned me to stop drinking so much lighter fluid.
* * *
Thanos had already been pushed to the edge by the Avengers, but when the Guardians of the Galaxy ganged up on him too, he simply snapped.
* * *
My brother has exactly the same thing for lunch every day: ground round beef on a bun. He won't tell me much about it, but I suspect he has ass burgers.
* * *
Q: According to statistics, who are the most ardent eaters of seafood?
A: The blind.
* * *
My wife asked for a little peace and quiet while she was trying to cook dinner. Well, I can take a hint; I immediately removed the battery from the smoke detector.
* * *
The Chinese soldiers opposing Genghis Khan had to bring their own lunch. Most of them picked a Mongolian beef.
* * *
My teeth need straightening, but when I asked my wife how much it would cost, she said, "Brace yourself." Damn it, she knows I don't have that kind of training!
* * *
Right before she was driven from her castle, Snow White had sent a roll of film to Fotomat. We know this because she'd been overheard singing, "Sunday my prints will come."
* * *
Q: 666 is the number of the Beast? But what is 668?
A: The neighbor of the Beast.
* * *
Some have accused Michael Jackson of gender confusion, but that's not true at all. The pronouns most associated with him have always been he/he.
* * *
Q: The magician's assistant got sawed in half during the magic act. Where did he go once the show is over?
A: To a topless bar.
* * *
One of the accessories included with Mr. Potato Head is a pair of glasses. Apply them if you want him to be a spec-tater.
* * *
Depression gets to the best of us. That's why I've never been depressed.
* * *
Brunette: "Why did you throw your new Bluetooth headphones in the lake?"
Blonde: "The salesman told me I had to let them sink."
* * *
While shopping, I took a look at a toothpaste that advertised "For Sparkling White Teeth!". Obviously, I didn't pick up that one... mine are all brown.
* * *
It was tough on the island missionaries for the first few months... they had little shelter and barely anything to eat. But the friendly cannibals were always willing to lend a hand.
* * *
In the early days of the space race, the Soviets sent a dog up in a rocket capsule. If you ask me, that was terribly inhumane... any housewife can tell you that dogs are afraid of vacuums.
* * *
"My grandpa was really something! He told us well ahead of time precisely what day he was going to die and even the exact manner of his death!"
"Wow! Was he psychic?"
"Nope! Convicted!"
