How do I deal with this?

[Bulldogge]

I'm in a bad way right now, and I could use a little help. My elderly father was recently hospitalized with Bilateral Pneumonia, and since then, he's been placed on a ventilator, and has suffered an episode where his heart stopped for five minutes and then spontaneously restarted (his living will specifies no heroic measures should be taken to save his life in an instance like that). And now I'm in a sort of limbo. Some days there's good news and some days it's bad news. He improves a little, then worsens.

The emotional roller coaster ride is getting to me. I walk around feeling tired and like I'm in a fog. I can't concentrate, and at this point I'm just hoping for a change - whether for good or bad. Don't get me wrong - I love my father, and I want him to live for many more years. But sitting and waiting....and waiting....and waiting for something to happen is really friggin hard. It's like there's a little rain cloud following me around all the time.

Have any of you ever been through something like this? And if so, how did you handle it? Any advice would be welcome and appreciated.

-Nick

 

[qjakal]

lingering...

Yes, my little sister took over a year to die. Unfortunately I don't have any sage words of wisdom to impart. The experience was just a horror and had no redeeming value even when viewed with hindsight.

All you can do is review the facts that you are complying with your fathers wishes and make your peace with the situation on a day by day basis...

My sympathies to you and your family, and may your time of travails be short.

Q

 

[the_Baron]

Place your Faith in the Lord.

If you don't believe in God, your life is in vain, and your suffering can not be quenched.

 

[Moses25]

Similar experience...

Recently, my life was plunged into a nightmare as I, myself, was an inpatient for a week, and an outpatient for 4 weeks afterwards. I won't go into the gory details as to why I was admitted in the first place, but suffice to say it was a life-altering event.

My suggestion echoes the others when I say take it one day at a time - moment by moment if you have to.

My other suggestion is to pray for a dignified release for your father, so that he may rest in peace and you can start the mourning process.

I'm sorry if this sounds harsh, but I agree with Baron's suggestion in having faith in the Lord, or at least acknowledging that there is a power out there greater than all of us, and he/she/it will do what needs to be done in terms of your father's illness.

Hospitals are funny places. With my recent visitation, I encountered the above force with, at first, great reluctance. As time goes on, however, your faith and trust in a higher being will pay off, I assure you.

Take care and good luck. My own prayers are with you and your father.

Cheers.

 

[Bulldogge]

Re: Similar experience...

I don't lack for faith in this situation. I pray to my Gods every day. I pray for my father's release, whether from life or sickness, because either would be a mercy at this point. And I tell my father every time I visit, that if he needs to let go, that he should do so, and not worry about me. And in this situation, my faith in the order of the universe is what sustains me.

But even so, it's hard. I have a extensive personal history with lingering illnesses. When I was thirteen, my girlfriend died of lukemia. When I was nineteen, my favorite High School teacher died due to AIDS. A professor in college died 2 years later, again due to AIDS. And six years ago, my mother died after a three year battle with cancer. So hospitals are my least favorite place on Earth, as I'm sure you can understand.

I know how to cope with death. If my father dies, then I'll be able to deal with it. But mourning someone who's still alive, while they die by inches? I have no idea, even after all that's happened in my life, I don't know how to deal with that.

Thank you all for your kind thoughts.

 

[ticklebutton]

But even so, it's hard.

Nick, I feel for you - it is so hard to let go of someone you love.

What helped me most was letting myself accept any feeling or thought. Don't resist, look at it, acknowledge it, and then let it blow right through you.

Breathe deeply around it, acknowledge it, then let it blow back out.

I send you gentle, comforting thoughts.

Button

 

[KoocheeKoo]

Re: Re: Similar experience...

But even so, it's hard. I have a extensive personal history with lingering illnesses. When I was thirteen, my girlfriend died of lukemia. When I was nineteen, my favorite High School teacher died due to AIDS. A professor in college died 2 years later, again due to AIDS. And six years ago, my mother died after a three year battle with cancer. So hospitals are my least favorite place on Earth, as I'm sure you can understand.

Thank you all for your kind thoughts.

I know what you are going through....I've been there. Nothing is more heartwrenching than witnessing someone you love slowly dying (and I'm going through it right now -- this time my grandmother

I'll keep you and your family in my prayers

 

[steph]

My heart goes out to you Perry and you too Nick, even though we don't know each other. Although I've lost a lot of loved ones, they've all gone quickly, I've been lucky so far.

Nick, I work in a hospital and unfortunately see this situation all the time and it is heartbreaking. Just yesterday I spent almost an hour with a gentleman who lost his wife three months ago, his son last month and now his daughter (and only remaining family member) was on lfe support and not expected to make it. He didn't want anything from me, except to hold his hand while he cried and I let him. (Kept a good stiff upper lip too, until I got into my car in the parking garage...)

You'll both be in my thoughts, I wish for your loved ones a speedy departure and for you, peace of mind and a strong family support system. Take care.

XOXO

 

[MrMacphisto]

I don't think religion is a requirement in this kind of struggle, but not to get on that tangent, I'll just say this: talk with your family about your feelings on your father's situation. Talk with your father as well; of course, I'm guessing that, with him being on a ventilator, conversation might be one-way. I don't want to strike a negative tone here, but honestly, I think there are things that are far worse than death. I know when my grandmother was slowly suffering from a combination of cancer and several other painful ailments, she wanted to die. I'm not gonna jump to any conclusions about your father's situation, but depending on his outlook on life and the amount of pain he's feeling, he may or may not be ready to pass as well. Death is only tragic when one passes away in youth or when one isn't ready for death. Otherwise, death can be peaceful and/or a relief. Death can be a welcome release from the struggles of life, regardless of belief or disbelief in an afterlife. Nevertheless, I wish your father luck in regaining his health or in accepting mortality. I also wish you luck in accepting what fate brings to your father.

 

[kis123]

Towards the end of my mother's life, I could barely remember how to get to the bathroom in my own home. Once, I called a friend on the cell phone to give me directions from the hospital to my home. I've only made this trip 100 times in the 2yrs prior to her death. I was a mess. I felt my prayers weren't answered because my mother had a mental breakdown on top of the pain of cancer. I felt God was like Elvis and had left the building!

I know how it feels to pray for your loved one to die just so they'd stop suffering. I also know how it feels to pray for death so you'd stop suffering. Do whatever comes to you: if you want to pray, do it. If you want to cry, do it. If you want to run down the street screaming, do it if it gets you through the next miserable moment. It's called grief and we have to go through it when a loved one is dying.

My son and my stepfather were the best of friends. When he died suddenly last year, my son was very somber. I thought this was his way of grieveing. Three months later, he was so out of control he tore the door off of a 1000.00 washing machine with one hand. The repairman looked at us like we were crazy. But that was the result of my kid holding his feelings in instead of him expressing them earlier. Don'tlet that be you. Your father wouldn't want you to live like that.

I hope this helps you.

 

[steph]

That was beautiful Kis. I'm really sorry to hear it.

XOXO

 

[leafstk]

I, like Steph, work in a hospital also and unfortunately I have seen these kinds of situations up close and personal many times, especially during last year's SARS crisis I can only imagine how traumatic this must be for you, being that this is your father. When I worked with the SARS (Severe Acute Respiratory Syndrome) patients, I was dealing with a great sense of fear and anguish, not only for the patients and their families, but for my own personal safety and that of my loved one's as well. Just being there to let them hold my gloved hand mean't so much, but I too took an emotional toll from the experience. The support you have from your family and friends during such a time is immeasurable and I find prayer is a powerful tool and a great help during times of distress. Peace be with you

 

[KoocheeKoo]

My heart goes out to you Perry and you too Nick, even though we don't know each other. Although I've lost a lot of loved ones, they've all gone quickly, I've been lucky so far.

Nick, I work in a hospital and unfortunately see this situation all the time and it is heartbreaking. Just yesterday I spent almost an hour with a gentleman who lost his wife three months ago, his son last month and now his daughter (and only remaining family member) was on lfe support and not expected to make it. He didn't want anything from me, except to hold his hand while he cried and I let him. (Kept a good stiff upper lip too, until I got into my car in the parking garage...)

You'll both be in my thoughts, I wish for your loved ones a speedy departure and for you, peace of mind and a strong family support system. Take care.

XOXO

Thanks Steph!

XOXO

 

[giantfan121262]

First of all, let me start by saying that I am really sorry to hear about what you are going through. I think it's far worse to see someone you love slowly wither away rather than just go suddenly.

Unfortunetely, I don't have much more words of wisdom to offer you that already hasn't been said before. I thinkj the thing I would take solace in is knowing that I was complying with the loved ones wishes and knowing I was doing things the way he would want them done.

Hope that helps

Dave

 

[TKpervert]

Bulldogge, whatever happens, rid yourself of any feelings of guilt.
Those feelings can drag you down and make you feel miserable.

This is not your fault, and you are guilty of nothing.

 

[Bulldogge]

Thank You

You've all been so kind. I appreciate it more than I can tell you. And you've helped to reassure me that I'm doing everything I can.

Thank you all so much.

 

[TklDuo-Ann]

I've gone through this several times as well....most memorably for me with my grandfather. He'd had several heart attacks and surgeries and the quality of life was pretty much gone. While his mind and spirit were very much alive and well, his body had stopped cooperating. He finally decided that he no longer wanted to be brought back if he should arrest. But, he had another attack before he could get it in writing. So, they brought him back again. He was angry and said not to do it again. An hour later, though he still didn't have it in writing (technically required in order to not take action) he arrested again and they just let him go.

One of my home health care clients had chosen not to write up a DNR order...only because one of his daughters couldn't face it and he didn't want to upset her. We knew that his true wishes were to be allowed to die. So, when he arrested one night, we simply waited to call the ambulance.

I could share more stories. But, the point is....people let go when they're ready to in cases like this. If your father doesn't want heroic measures taken, you're doing the right thing in not going against that. We're so accustomed to fighting death and illness that we often forget that it's a natural aspect of life. If it's his time and he's ready to let go, he will. Giving him permission is a good thing to help him be able to do so. You've done what you can for him.

Something to keep in mind is that you can't help him (in whatever way) unless you're also taking care of yourself. I've seen so many family members drive themselves nuts trying to figure out something else to do. It's a difficult thing to accept that there IS nothing you can do. The waiting is the hard part. Give yourself permission to feel whatever is there...sorrow, anger, whatever. There's no way to avoid the pain. But, giving yourself permission to feel it does make it easier since you're not using all your energy to fight it.

You and yours will be in my prayers.

Ann

 

[Double T]

I went through much the same thing with my father. He was old, and very sick. He had a standing DNR request, and I was his health proxy. He had often told me that he didn't want to be kept alive by machines. A few nights after he went to the hospital for chest pains, the doctors found him in his room not breathing, and immediately put him on a resperator. Now the decision was up to me. Do I remove him from life support? It was the hardest decision I had ever made, not because I didn't know what to do, but because I knew what I HAD to do. The doctor phoned me, said my fathers blood pressure was dropping, and how agressive did I want them to be about keeping him alive. He had always said "If I go, just let me go." I told the doctor to take no agressive action, and to please remove him from life support. He died humanely, and with dignity, as he wished. I can sympathize with you. There is no easy way to deal with what your going through. I think my faith in God helped me, so do whatever you have to do. I wish you peace, my friend. May God bless you.

 

[Bulldogge]

An update

I wanted to thank you all very much for your kind words, support, and prayers. On July 15th, at 1:30am, my father passed away. My sister and I had decided, after careful consideration, to remove my father from the ventilator 36 hours earlier.

The kind thoughts and considerate words helped to make my decision much easier, and I'm very much at peace with what happened. Largely because those of you who had been there helped me to know that it wasn't my fault, and that if my father died, it wouldn't be because of anything I had done.

Losing my father helped me to see how much kindness there is in this world - and to appreciate compassion, no matter the source.

Again, thank you. The sympathy you showed to a near stranger was wonderful to experience.

Nick

 

[kis123]

I'm really sorry to hear about your dad. I believe you know that everything was for the best. I offer condolences to you and your family. Take all the time you need to grieve and to heal. I don't think it would be presumptuous to say that we're here for you.

 

[ticklebutton]

...Take all the time you need to grieve and to heal. I don't think it would be presumptuous to say that we're here for you.

I echo that.

You & your sis take gentle care of yourselves, and be serene.

Button

 

[leafstk]

My deepest sympathies go out to you and your family, Bulldogge. May God bless you and keep you through such a difficult time.

 

[Mitchell]

Iam very sorry to hear about your father's passing, Nick. My thoughts and prayers go out to your father, you, and your family.
I havent been through anything like this with a parent, but did go through a horrible time with my grandmother at the end of her life. She was initally hosptialized with pneumonia, and during her stay, they found out she had kidney disease and failure. On top of this, she had suffered from severe emphasema, as well as agina, and heart disease. For three weeks it was a horrid emotional rollercoaster, as neither my family nor the doctors who were treating her knew what was going to be. Finally, the pneumonia seemed to have abated. However. just when it looked like she was out of danger, she inexplicably pulled the plug one day from her kidney dialysis treatment, literally pulling the aparatus out of her body. Her claim was that she was in too much pain and discomfort from her other illnesses, and wanted to pass away quietly. Although we were devestated that we were going to lose her, the doctors advised us that due to her pain, we should do the humane thing, adhere to her wishes, and let her pass away peacefully. She ended her dialysis treatment on a Thursday afternoon, and fell into a semi conscious state. We saw her for the last time that evening, and before we could get to the hospital the following morning, she passed away peacefully in her sleep around 645am that morning. It had been a severe emotional rollercoaster for 3 weeks, and ended with her passing on. We were devestated to lose her, and the draining feeling we had from not knowing what was going to happen to her for three weeks, was almost as shattering as her actual death. She was at peace, and in a better place, where she apparently wanted to be, and we, the grieving family, were left behind to mourn. This all happened in May, 1995, and we buried her on Mother's day, which was I guess a fitting tribute to her life, as she was the most kind and loving grandmother and mother that any child or grandchild could ever want. My grandmother lived a fairly long life, as she was 77 when she passed on, and my mom was 57. Even then, my mom lamented how she felt like an orphan.
Again, my thoughts, and prayers go out to you. Each situation is of course different, but I did go through something similar in certain respects.

Mitch
Iam very sorry to hear about your father's passing, Nick. I just read the update after posting this. I had only read the first post you made. In the end, while it is heartbreaking to feel your dad's loss and the void caused by it, the comfort as with my grandmother is that he is no longer suffering or ill, and is in a better place.